More or Less What Online Dating Profiles Look Like

Erik, 36

My Self Summary
Never married, no kids. Is there anyone “sane” on any of these apps? LOL I meet so many women and they all are just crazy. Anyway I am looking to date, but to me dating is sleeping with you after 2 weeks, never talking to you again, and wondering why you text me 5 times after that. I don’t take selfies, so sorry all of my photos have large groups of generic looking white men in them — I am the attractive one!

John, 42

Body Type: a little extra
Height: 5’6″
Kids: Does not have kids, and definitely wants them
Seeking: Women ages 18-25

My Self Summary
I work as a contractor for the federal government. I love craft beer, and I’m really into IPAs right now. I spend a lot of time reading very important and thick books, probably ones you have never heard of it — but don’t feel bad. I am usually the most educated and intelligent person in the room. I work about 100 hours a week, so we will never see each other — I need you to be okay with this. When I am off, I will spend most of my free time brooding, thinking about very pretentious things. We can talk about them sometimes, but mostly so I can subtly put you down for not being as smart as I am. I promise that within the first 10 minutes of meeting, I will ask you your feelings on a very specific part of a very pretentious book, one that you may or may not have read in college. Study up 😉

Since I am obviously bringing a lot to the table, I expect that you will, too. Please, no one over 25. Even though I have put it off until my 40s, I would like to have at least 3 children, so I need a woman who will be able to provide me with them. You need to be smart — like I have said, I am very intelligent, and you will need to at least try to keep up. I will be bringing you to parties, and while you should remain mostly silent, I do expect you wow my friends with either 3 witty banters or 1 profound observation per special event.

Physically, I require that you be tall and slender, but not bulky with muscle, because that is gross. You need to have a large bosom, but a small band size. Think Victoria’s Secret model meets Barbie, and you kind of have my preferred aesthetic. It goes without saying you need to be blonde and white, but exceptions can be made for particularly beautiful Brazilian or Panamanian women — assuming your English is free of accent.

I feel as though it is impossible to find a good woman these days, but hopefully the one is out there.

Jon, 31

My Self Summary
Proud father to a 2 month old. Currently transitioning to a new career path as a stand up comic. Seeking a true connection, LTR. I have a lot going on, and I’m hoping to find a girlfriend so I can saddle her with all of my emotional problems.

Aaron, 33

My Self Summary
I don’t get why everyone on this website cares so much about who you voted for. I was RAISED RIGHT and I am proud of it. I’m a nice guy and I will always treat you right! Think about it: if you won’t go out with me just because I voted for Trump, aren’t YOU the bigot?

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“Not Trying to Argue, but…..” Dating in the Age of Trump – Part 2

Welcome to week two in the collection of my personal dating hell. Enjoy.

HELP, HELP, I’M BEING OPPRESSED!

Random Art Man: I like your profile. I agree with most of it. However, I’m a full time painter and women definitely have the advantage in the gallery world. Not trying to argue, but it’s probably one of their strongest areas.
Me: Cool.

At the time I received this, my profile said, “if you are a white guy, make sure you are comfortable saying both ‘men have the upper hand, and so do white people, and I benefit from this is in society.’” Now, can someone please explain to me what made this man feel like he had to message me and let me know that, in this one specific area, women are ahead? Go fuck yourself, Random Art Man.

Also, “it’s probably one of their strongest areas”? What an awkward fucking thing to say. It sounds like he’s talking to me about a baseball team, or maybe a kindergarten class. Certainly not a group of people that half the population, including myself, belong to. “The Orioles roster is stacked with pitchers, it’s probably one their strongest areas” (hahahahaha jk) or, “Ms. Sally’s kindergarten class is really good at spelling. It’s probably one of their strongest areas.”

Womenfolk sure do have an advantage at art stuff. As a gender, it’s probably one of their strongest areas.
Gay men sure do have an advantage when it comes to creating a fashion powerhouse. As a group, it’s probably one of their strongest areas.
Black men sure do have an advantage when it comes to joining the NFL. It’s probably one of their strongest areas.
Random Art Men sure do have an advantage when it comes to sounding like assholes. It’s probably one of their strongest areas.

TAKE THE COMPLIMENT!

Me: I’m too liberal.
Man: I don’t usually talk politics, so we would get along. And if you ramble on about stuff way too liberal for my taste, I will just start making out with you so I don’t have to listen to it.
Me: lol. I mostly talk about politics…
Man: Then we would probably have a very active and enjoyable sex life together.
Me: oh
Man: I don’t mind talking about any topic, but I don’t go overboard with it. The world is the way it is…has always been that way. Do you want a partner to just talk politics with?
Me: lol not just, no
Man: Cool. Are you on Facebook?
Me: Who isn’t?
Man: Can we be friends on FB?
Me: Haha we haven’t met! My Facebook is almost 100% politics, you’d hate it lol
Man: It’s okay, it will give me a better gauge of who you are.
Me: lol ok

Man: You are very attractive. You look hot in your Bumble profile but…your Bumble profile doesn’t do you justice.
Me: lol its the same pictures!
Man: But seeing more pictures gives me a much better perspective of your looks.
Me: oh
Man: Take the compliment.
Man: I usually like to see the Facebook profile because I pass on about 99% of girls for not being my type.
Me: I’m glad I passed the test.
Man: Yes, you did pass.
Man: I am going to take a power nap, text later today.
Me: Hey so there was a lot of objectification in your messages. I’m not *only* looking for a partner to discus politics with, but I’m also no looking for a stranger who tells me they’ll shut me up from talking about things that are important to me with sex. We are likely not a good match, but best of luck in your search.
Man: You are confusing playfulness with objectification but that’s fine, it’s only texting and wouldn’t lead to a real conversation over the phone anyways. Good luck to you too.

Isn’t this a wild ride?

“Oh, this is something you care about? Well, if I think you are rambling on too long about silly things like racial inequality and police brutality, I will just fuck you quiet!”

“You have passed my test of attractiveness. Do you not feel validated? Hello? Say ‘thank you,’ you rude bitch!”

“When I said words to you, you believed them? Haha, silly little woman! So confused! It’s a joke, you know. If you bothered to get to know me, you’d know that when I say misogynistic things, I am joking. In fact, in general? If I say something that upsets you, you can just assume it’s a joke. Because I’m always going to tell you it was. Gosh, typical woman — no sense of humor.”

Next time: men I actually met.

This is Part 2 of a series. Find Part 1 here. Follow me on Facebook and Twitter, and if you ever need an anti-Trump shirt…well, I’ve got you covered

Are You Trolling Me? Dating in the Age of Trump – Part 1

A couple of months ago I wrote about some anonymous asshole who decided to send me death threats via Bumble. After I wrote it, I realized I was still pretty pissed off….and I just kept writing about all the shitty men I have found on the internet. I have been online dating on and off since 2009, so I certainly have a lot of material.

As I wrote, I realized there was a line between my stories: the Donald Trump era. Before Trump, my stories were funny, but fluff. After Trump, they were sometimes very depressing. From 2012-2015 I was in a relationship with a man, and obviously I was not spending my time online dating. But hearing what my friends were going through, I often thought that I would probably just be single forever if my boyfriend and I broke up. It seemed that dating had gotten worse — though I didn’t really understand how that could be possible. Once my ex and I broke up, it was confirmed: dating was worse. I wasn’t sure if it was me, or if it was because I was older, or what was going on. But the misogyny and hatred I faced dating after Trump was significantly more than before. When Trump was just a punchline at the National Correspondents Dinner, men weren’t messaging me to threaten to kill me because of my feminist views. When Trump was at the helm of the United States, they were.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing some of my stories. Whether it’s aggressive messages from strangers I never ended up meeting who want nothing more than to put me in my place, or men I dated for weeks or months…my misery is here for you to enjoy!

The Gaslighting, Mapless Felon

For clarity, here is my OKCupid profile:

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That somehow prompted the following exchange between myself and a gentleman I have dubbed “Mapless Felon.”

Mapless Felon: Did you know there are no atheist in fox holes…
Mapless Felon: I’m against the “wall” …I’m for a mine field and machine guns torrents…. Because for close to 5 decades South America has been infiltrating the country
Mapless Felon: Historical fact…
Me: Have you ever wondered what psychological issue you suffer from that makes you message women on dating sites to tell them they’re wrong about their beliefs?
Me: I would recommend researching that, whether through self discover or with a psychologist, over the research you’ve done to justify murder at the border. Likely self discovery in the first area will also explain your position that appears to be shooting women and children on sight. Cheers!
Mapless Felon: Oh….I agree I have some issues… Who doesn’t? It’s part of being human…. Yes the women and children… The law breakers!!!!!
Mapless Felon: Have another drink lol
Mapless Felon: And I dunno if you watch the news…. But there seem to be a lot of those ms people in your area…. Maybe some like experience would change your perception…. See with the illegals and the gang affiliates…. The 8 year old is a fucking gang member.
Mapless Felon: I’m not against immigration…. I’m against criminals…. My friends lol some are actual factual immigrants…. Also republicans…. Funny all these people agree with me…. Also these friends of mine know more about our country than either of us…. Most people that migrate legally are republicans….
Mapless Felon: Look up how many Reagan gave amnesty 4 decades ago…. Yeah it’s a problem and has been a problem…. Do you have kids…. Because I buy supplies for mine and the illegals….
Me: Well, I’m just going to report you to OKCupid since you seem so down with threatening to murder people. You probably shouldn’t have any guns if this is who you are as a person. Russian is a lot harder to learn than English, which you clearly have spent your life struggling with, so when our new Russian oligarch overlords demand we speak their native tongue….you might be screwed.
Mapless Felon: Imma felon…. I can’t have any legally lol I love russians! And speak a Slovak language I pray they save us from the liberal agenda…
Mapless Felon: You know this is pretty much one of the only conversations I’m having….I believe that by being rude and disrespectful gets a reply Lol been nice chatting with you… Maybe next time someone gives you a hi or hello you respond with so much passion….See.. Y’all are bitter angry people than would prefer to argue….Honestly why reply to a rude comment??? And ignore nice messages.

I think I kind of dropped the ball with this exchange, because it never occurred to me to point out to this guy that there is quite a bit of space between South America and the US border. If only we had made it to our first date, I could have brought him a map. But I guess that’s the least horrible thing he said.

Where do I sign up to train myself to have the same level of cognitive dissonance this guy has? “I’m against criminals, unless the criminal in question is myself. I am, after all, a felon.” What? How do you seriously type that out without realizing what a hypocritical asshole you are?

But the gaslighting! Oh boohoo, poor mapless felon can’t get a date with all his nice messages. Any guy who has to cry about how nice he is and why can’t women see that and want to date him? They’re probably not that nice.

Anyway, ladies. If you’re looking for love and in the DC area, I have some bad news: this obviously completely sane and non-violent nice dude appears to have deleted his account (or OKCupid took me seriously and deleted it). Sorry.

I AM Black Lives Matter

For clarity: my profile contained these two pictures, plus me another of me holding a bottle of rum:

 

Random Man: I would normally ask why ur famous and on the news according to ur profile pic but I need to go warm up some ribs cause I’m hungry. Cheers!
Random Man, 8 hours later: Rum. That’s about it. Had no idea you were black lives matter. Hopefully u understand twice as many unarmed whites have been killed by police this year. How about certain races just need to stop causing more crimes? Ever think about that? Glad u think Obama care rocks and u think more taxes and more government is good. Glad u think the problem is our lax gun laws and not terrorism. You’re likely one that voted for Obama only cause he was black and Hillary because she was a woman…like most of the crying snowflakes. Lol no idea what is real. Watch too much CNN and Facebook. Definitely aren’t close to anyone in the military. Definitely think u have an open mind but definitely don’t respect any one else’s opinion unless it’s yours. [emphasis mine]

Well, Random Man, I also had no idea that I AM Black Lives Matter. But I sure am glad you told me!

What’s truly insane about this, is that this man messaged me when my profile was fairly apolitical – I didn’t even have AbortMikePence.com yet! I don’t have a screenshot of my profile at the time, but I figured those two pictures did enough talking. I never mentioned Obama, Obamacare, taxes, Clinton, or guns. What a fucking lunatic. I’m the snowflake, but he was so triggered by my participation in a protest that he had to tell me, despite not knowing me, he knows I don’t respect his opinion. How do conservative men live like this? Can I spend just one single day feeling so important that I get to go around and tell other people who quietly disagree with me, they are VERY WRONG and need to respect MY opinion? It’s like the conservative rallying cry: no one respects our opinions! And all the snowflakes have stupid opinions!

That’s enough for now, I think. Come back every Wednesday for more stories, and maybe a few dramatic readings if I get drunk enough to do one. And pleeeease feel free to share your Trump era dating stories in the comments — I’m not alone, right?

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter, and if you ever need an anti-Trump shirt…well, I’ve got you covered

 

 

“Are My Cramps God’s Way of Punishing Me For Not Procreating?” and Other Questions for Mike Pence

I originally wrote this last year before the election, but never published it. I thought it might still be relevant now. 

“I am a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican,” Mike Pence announced last July at the RNC. Funny — at the time, I thought he was also the de facto OBGYN for every single woman in Indiana. Maybe he was just trying to not brag about his qualifications? Maybe he was hoping we’d forget?

And forget we did. In all the talk about Trump, Sessions, Flynn, Spicer, and the rest of the merry band of idiots in the administration, it seems Forgettable Pence remains, well, forgettable.

Mike Pence has been a bane of my existence ever since he signed HB 1337, which would have made Indiana home to the most restrictive abortion laws on the books if a judge hadn’t struck it down. When Trump picked Pence for his running mate, I was not one of the many asking “Who is Mike Pence?” And as people have called for the impeachment of Trump, I have been the one saying, “but only if it’s a two for one!” But that doesn’t mean I don’t have plenty of questions for Mike Pence. Because oh Lord, do I ever.

Continue reading “Are My Cramps God’s Way of Punishing Me For Not Procreating?” and Other Questions for Mike Pence

A Collection of My Favorite Reactions to the Removal of Confederate Monuments

They took down all the Confederate statues in Baltimore, and according to some people, it’s like they’ve totally re-written history! Without being able to see monuments to the Confederacy, I’ve already started to forget what the Civil War was…and it’s only been 10 hours! A true Soros funded conspiracy.

Anyway. Let’s dive in. .

LOL is this account really just Stephen Miller??

Ah, yes. It’s like how we will never forget the Holocaust because of all the statues of Hitler in Germany, or how we’ll never forget 9/11 since they erected a giant Bin Laden statue over the Pentagon.

I’m so confused. Does removing the statues cause everyone to forget history or not??

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Bonnie. Seriously. What the fuck are you saying? Are you angry that us libtards did not, as kindergartners, demand the removal of these statues? Or are you saying that when you learned about slavery as a child, you thought it was okay? I think marching around in the dead of night (or anytime!) chanting “Jews will not replace us” is rude and disrespectful to our nation. Also, this comment was posted on an article about Baltimore removing their monuments — so is that last line a threat to the mayor?? Tsk, tsk.

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Y’all, I swear I made that Soros joke before I found Rhonda. Honestly, I’m writing this in real time as I find unhinged comments. Do you guys think Rhonda would be willing to relocate to Charleston, South Carolina? She could date the guy who threatened to kill me!

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TARE IT DOWN!

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Augustine, my man. I will personally pay for your transportation for you to come to MLK in DC and start ripping down the street signs — especially if you can get Malcolm X Blvd, too. You’re gonna fucking love Barry Farm, and I’m sure everyone living there will love you too — promise.

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“I have already stopped going to Baltimore, but now that these statues are gone, I will no longer be going to Baltimore.” Karol, I think the black people are why you stopped going to Baltimore years ago.

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This one is a real wild ride, but it does explain the mindset. See, unless you’re there, then you can’t know what happened! Having statues makes you feel like you are there! So that is how we can learn history. Obviously.

Ugh, right? How can you remove our heritage of racism?! Unbelievable.

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I wish like hell Obama was really running our government.

You Love Your Curvy Wife? Well, I Love My Small Dick Husband

I love this man and his small penis. As a young woman, I was often mocked by my friends for my attraction to guys who weren’t well endowed, ones who bought big lifted trucks and worked out all the time. Ones the average (basic) bitch might refer to as “overcompensating.” Then, as I became a woman and started to educate myself in biology and how the media marginalizes small penis men by portraying a very narrow and specific view of penis standards (thick, tall, straight), I realized how many women have bought into that lie. For me there is nothing sexier than my man: small dick, big truck, and occasional steroid user. His shape won’t be featured on YouPorn (or maybe it will!), but it’s the one featured in my life. There’s nothing sexier to me than a man who knows his shortcoming. This sexy man I married doesn’t really fill every inch of his jeans, but he does fill every inch of my heart. Women, rethink what society has told you that you should desire. A real man is not a porn star! Boys, don’t think you have to fully fill a certain mold to be desired or loved. There is a woman out there who will love you for who you are, exactly as I love my man; a man who is okay with me backhandedly complimenting him on the internet.

Stephen Miller is Your Smug, Gaslighting Tinder Date

Stephen Miller’s exchange with Jim Acosta on Wednesday was horrific, yet familiar.

Women know Stephen Miller. Stephen Miller is that asshole you meet on Tinder, who wants to send you a message so he can let you know your pictures from the Women’s March are really sexist against men. The kind of guy who says, “WELL ACTUALLY,” or, “let me play devil’s advocate here,” before blatantly insulting you and your intelligence. The one who says your name in a way you can almost see the your name in italics (and maybe all caps) coming out of his mouth — over and over. He’s the guy who walks up to you at a bar, hits on you in the most obnoxious manner possible, asks you questions, and proceeds to spin your basic beliefs into a web of bullshit. He’s the smug jerk who pretends to not understand phrases that are commonly used in the vernacular. Instead, he takes every comment you say completely literally, and suggests you are the dumb one for speaking like a human and not a robot. He’s the kind of racist asshole that he makes you out to be a racist monster — and all you said was, “Hey, I think that black lives matter.”

“Well, actually, Manda, it’s pretty racist that you even see race. Manda, why do you have to bring race into it? And that just shows me, Manda, that you are being racist against everyone who isn’t black, and you’re racist against black people, Manda, because you’re acting like they can’t take care of themselves and need a slogan. And, Manda, just to play devil’s advocate, but maybe cops kill black people more because more of them are criminals.” [insert self satisfied smirk]

Clearly, I’ve been tricked into a first date with a Stephen Miller or two. You live, you learn, you more obsessively Google first dates, swipe left more, and life goes on.

Except we can’t just swipe left or abandon our seat at the bar to get rid of him — because insufferable Stephen Miller is a top White House advisor. And life can’t go on for everyone — Miller might have pretended to not understand that Acosta was using hyperbole when he asked if the English requirement meant the US would only admit people from the UK or Australia, but don’t be fooled: that is Stephen Miller’s wet dream.

It’s truly remarkable how many interviews and statements given by or about members of this administration sound frighteningly similar to things sexual harassers or abusers say to women.  If only we had had some kind of clue, indicating how horrible a Trump presidency would be….