Are You Trolling Me? Dating in the Age of Trump – Part 1

A couple of months ago I wrote about some anonymous asshole who decided to send me death threats via Bumble. After I wrote it, I realized I was still pretty pissed off….and I just kept writing about all the shitty men I have found on the internet. I have been online dating on and off since 2009, so I certainly have a lot of material.

As I wrote, I realized there was a line between my stories: the Donald Trump era. Before Trump, my stories were funny, but fluff. After Trump, they were sometimes very depressing. From 2012-2015 I was in a relationship with a man, and obviously I was not spending my time online dating. But hearing what my friends were going through, I often thought that I would probably just be single forever if my boyfriend and I broke up. It seemed that dating had gotten worse — though I didn’t really understand how that could be possible. Once my ex and I broke up, it was confirmed: dating was worse. I wasn’t sure if it was me, or if it was because I was older, or what was going on. But the misogyny and hatred I faced dating after Trump was significantly more than before. When Trump was just a punchline at the National Correspondents Dinner, men weren’t messaging me to threaten to kill me because of my feminist views. When Trump was at the helm of the United States, they were.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing some of my stories. Whether it’s aggressive messages from strangers I never ended up meeting who want nothing more than to put me in my place, or men I dated for weeks or months…my misery is here for you to enjoy!

The Gaslighting, Mapless Felon

For clarity, here is my OKCupid profile:

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That somehow prompted the following exchange between myself and a gentleman I have dubbed “Mapless Felon.”

Mapless Felon: Did you know there are no atheist in fox holes…
Mapless Felon: I’m against the “wall” …I’m for a mine field and machine guns torrents…. Because for close to 5 decades South America has been infiltrating the country
Mapless Felon: Historical fact…
Me: Have you ever wondered what psychological issue you suffer from that makes you message women on dating sites to tell them they’re wrong about their beliefs?
Me: I would recommend researching that, whether through self discover or with a psychologist, over the research you’ve done to justify murder at the border. Likely self discovery in the first area will also explain your position that appears to be shooting women and children on sight. Cheers!
Mapless Felon: Oh….I agree I have some issues… Who doesn’t? It’s part of being human…. Yes the women and children… The law breakers!!!!!
Mapless Felon: Have another drink lol
Mapless Felon: And I dunno if you watch the news…. But there seem to be a lot of those ms people in your area…. Maybe some like experience would change your perception…. See with the illegals and the gang affiliates…. The 8 year old is a fucking gang member.
Mapless Felon: I’m not against immigration…. I’m against criminals…. My friends lol some are actual factual immigrants…. Also republicans…. Funny all these people agree with me…. Also these friends of mine know more about our country than either of us…. Most people that migrate legally are republicans….
Mapless Felon: Look up how many Reagan gave amnesty 4 decades ago…. Yeah it’s a problem and has been a problem…. Do you have kids…. Because I buy supplies for mine and the illegals….
Me: Well, I’m just going to report you to OKCupid since you seem so down with threatening to murder people. You probably shouldn’t have any guns if this is who you are as a person. Russian is a lot harder to learn than English, which you clearly have spent your life struggling with, so when our new Russian oligarch overlords demand we speak their native tongue….you might be screwed.
Mapless Felon: Imma felon…. I can’t have any legally lol I love russians! And speak a Slovak language I pray they save us from the liberal agenda…
Mapless Felon: You know this is pretty much one of the only conversations I’m having….I believe that by being rude and disrespectful gets a reply Lol been nice chatting with you… Maybe next time someone gives you a hi or hello you respond with so much passion….See.. Y’all are bitter angry people than would prefer to argue….Honestly why reply to a rude comment??? And ignore nice messages.

I think I kind of dropped the ball with this exchange, because it never occurred to me to point out to this guy that there is quite a bit of space between South America and the US border. If only we had made it to our first date, I could have brought him a map. But I guess that’s the least horrible thing he said.

Where do I sign up to train myself to have the same level of cognitive dissonance this guy has? “I’m against criminals, unless the criminal in question is myself. I am, after all, a felon.” What? How do you seriously type that out without realizing what a hypocritical asshole you are?

But the gaslighting! Oh boohoo, poor mapless felon can’t get a date with all his nice messages. Any guy who has to cry about how nice he is and why can’t women see that and want to date him? They’re probably not that nice.

Anyway, ladies. If you’re looking for love and in the DC area, I have some bad news: this obviously completely sane and non-violent nice dude appears to have deleted his account (or OKCupid took me seriously and deleted it). Sorry.

I AM Black Lives Matter

For clarity: my profile contained these two pictures, plus me another of me holding a bottle of rum:

 

Random Man: I would normally ask why ur famous and on the news according to ur profile pic but I need to go warm up some ribs cause I’m hungry. Cheers!
Random Man, 8 hours later: Rum. That’s about it. Had no idea you were black lives matter. Hopefully u understand twice as many unarmed whites have been killed by police this year. How about certain races just need to stop causing more crimes? Ever think about that? Glad u think Obama care rocks and u think more taxes and more government is good. Glad u think the problem is our lax gun laws and not terrorism. You’re likely one that voted for Obama only cause he was black and Hillary because she was a woman…like most of the crying snowflakes. Lol no idea what is real. Watch too much CNN and Facebook. Definitely aren’t close to anyone in the military. Definitely think u have an open mind but definitely don’t respect any one else’s opinion unless it’s yours. [emphasis mine]

Well, Random Man, I also had no idea that I AM Black Lives Matter. But I sure am glad you told me!

What’s truly insane about this, is that this man messaged me when my profile was fairly apolitical – I didn’t even have AbortMikePence.com yet! I don’t have a screenshot of my profile at the time, but I figured those two pictures did enough talking. I never mentioned Obama, Obamacare, taxes, Clinton, or guns. What a fucking lunatic. I’m the snowflake, but he was so triggered by my participation in a protest that he had to tell me, despite not knowing me, he knows I don’t respect his opinion. How do conservative men live like this? Can I spend just one single day feeling so important that I get to go around and tell other people who quietly disagree with me, they are VERY WRONG and need to respect MY opinion? It’s like the conservative rallying cry: no one respects our opinions! And all the snowflakes have stupid opinions!

That’s enough for now, I think. Come back every Wednesday for more stories, and maybe a few dramatic readings if I get drunk enough to do one. And pleeeease feel free to share your Trump era dating stories in the comments — I’m not alone, right?

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter, and if you ever need an anti-Trump shirt…well, I’ve got you covered

 

 

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“Are My Cramps God’s Way of Punishing Me For Not Procreating?” and Other Questions for Mike Pence

I originally wrote this last year before the election, but never published it. I thought it might still be relevant now. 

“I am a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican,” Mike Pence announced last July at the RNC. Funny — at the time, I thought he was also the de facto OBGYN for every single woman in Indiana. Maybe he was just trying to not brag about his qualifications? Maybe he was hoping we’d forget?

And forget we did. In all the talk about Trump, Sessions, Flynn, Spicer, and the rest of the merry band of idiots in the administration, it seems Forgettable Pence remains, well, forgettable.

Mike Pence has been a bane of my existence ever since he signed HB 1337, which would have made Indiana home to the most restrictive abortion laws on the books if a judge hadn’t struck it down. When Trump picked Pence for his running mate, I was not one of the many asking “Who is Mike Pence?” And as people have called for the impeachment of Trump, I have been the one saying, “but only if it’s a two for one!” But that doesn’t mean I don’t have plenty of questions for Mike Pence. Because oh Lord, do I ever.

Continue reading “Are My Cramps God’s Way of Punishing Me For Not Procreating?” and Other Questions for Mike Pence

A Collection of My Favorite Reactions to the Removal of Confederate Monuments

They took down all the Confederate statues in Baltimore, and according to some people, it’s like they’ve totally re-written history! Without being able to see monuments to the Confederacy, I’ve already started to forget what the Civil War was…and it’s only been 10 hours! A true Soros funded conspiracy.

Anyway. Let’s dive in. .

LOL is this account really just Stephen Miller??

Ah, yes. It’s like how we will never forget the Holocaust because of all the statues of Hitler in Germany, or how we’ll never forget 9/11 since they erected a giant Bin Laden statue over the Pentagon.

I’m so confused. Does removing the statues cause everyone to forget history or not??

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Bonnie. Seriously. What the fuck are you saying? Are you angry that us libtards did not, as kindergartners, demand the removal of these statues? Or are you saying that when you learned about slavery as a child, you thought it was okay? I think marching around in the dead of night (or anytime!) chanting “Jews will not replace us” is rude and disrespectful to our nation. Also, this comment was posted on an article about Baltimore removing their monuments — so is that last line a threat to the mayor?? Tsk, tsk.

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Y’all, I swear I made that Soros joke before I found Rhonda. Honestly, I’m writing this in real time as I find unhinged comments. Do you guys think Rhonda would be willing to relocate to Charleston, South Carolina? She could date the guy who threatened to kill me!

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TARE IT DOWN!

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Augustine, my man. I will personally pay for your transportation for you to come to MLK in DC and start ripping down the street signs — especially if you can get Malcolm X Blvd, too. You’re gonna fucking love Barry Farm, and I’m sure everyone living there will love you too — promise.

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“I have already stopped going to Baltimore, but now that these statues are gone, I will no longer be going to Baltimore.” Karol, I think the black people are why you stopped going to Baltimore years ago.

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This one is a real wild ride, but it does explain the mindset. See, unless you’re there, then you can’t know what happened! Having statues makes you feel like you are there! So that is how we can learn history. Obviously.

Ugh, right? How can you remove our heritage of racism?! Unbelievable.

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I wish like hell Obama was really running our government.

You Love Your Curvy Wife? Well, I Love My Small Dick Husband

I love this man and his small penis. As a young woman, I was often mocked by my friends for my attraction to guys who weren’t well endowed, ones who bought big lifted trucks and worked out all the time. Ones the average (basic) bitch might refer to as “overcompensating.” Then, as I became a woman and started to educate myself in biology and how the media marginalizes small penis men by portraying a very narrow and specific view of penis standards (thick, tall, straight), I realized how many women have bought into that lie. For me there is nothing sexier than my man: small dick, big truck, and occasional steroid user. His shape won’t be featured on YouPorn (or maybe it will!), but it’s the one featured in my life. There’s nothing sexier to me than a man who knows his shortcoming. This sexy man I married doesn’t really fill every inch of his jeans, but he does fill every inch of my heart. Women, rethink what society has told you that you should desire. A real man is not a porn star! Boys, don’t think you have to fully fill a certain mold to be desired or loved. There is a woman out there who will love you for who you are, exactly as I love my man; a man who is okay with me backhandedly complimenting him on the internet.

Stephen Miller is Your Smug, Gaslighting Tinder Date

Stephen Miller’s exchange with Jim Acosta on Wednesday was horrific, yet familiar.

Women know Stephen Miller. Stephen Miller is that asshole you meet on Tinder, who wants to send you a message so he can let you know your pictures from the Women’s March are really sexist against men. The kind of guy who says, “WELL ACTUALLY,” or, “let me play devil’s advocate here,” before blatantly insulting you and your intelligence. The one who says your name in a way you can almost see the your name in italics (and maybe all caps) coming out of his mouth — over and over. He’s the guy who walks up to you at a bar, hits on you in the most obnoxious manner possible, asks you questions, and proceeds to spin your basic beliefs into a web of bullshit. He’s the smug jerk who pretends to not understand phrases that are commonly used in the vernacular. Instead, he takes every comment you say completely literally, and suggests you are the dumb one for speaking like a human and not a robot. He’s the kind of racist asshole that he makes you out to be a racist monster — and all you said was, “Hey, I think that black lives matter.”

“Well, actually, Manda, it’s pretty racist that you even see race. Manda, why do you have to bring race into it? And that just shows me, Manda, that you are being racist against everyone who isn’t black, and you’re racist against black people, Manda, because you’re acting like they can’t take care of themselves and need a slogan. And, Manda, just to play devil’s advocate, but maybe cops kill black people more because more of them are criminals.” [insert self satisfied smirk]

Clearly, I’ve been tricked into a first date with a Stephen Miller or two. You live, you learn, you more obsessively Google first dates, swipe left more, and life goes on.

Except we can’t just swipe left or abandon our seat at the bar to get rid of him — because insufferable Stephen Miller is a top White House advisor. And life can’t go on for everyone — Miller might have pretended to not understand that Acosta was using hyperbole when he asked if the English requirement meant the US would only admit people from the UK or Australia, but don’t be fooled: that is Stephen Miller’s wet dream.

It’s truly remarkable how many interviews and statements given by or about members of this administration sound frighteningly similar to things sexual harassers or abusers say to women.  If only we had had some kind of clue, indicating how horrible a Trump presidency would be….

 

Dear Conservative Male Snowflakes: I’m Sorry My Dating Profile Hurts Your Fragile Male Ego

Men, I am begging you: please stop using dating apps as debating apps.

I am a single, liberal, feminist woman, and I’m not interested in dating a man who isn’t likeminded. Instead of accidentally going on a bunch of first dates with Trump voters, I’m pretty clear about my opinions on my dating profiles. I have a website where I sell anti-Trump t-shirts, with proceeds benefiting organizations directly impacted by his policies. Not only do I wear the shirts in two of my photos, I clearly state “I own AbortMikePence.com,” the site I sell the shirts on. I don’t bring this up because I want to debate politics, I bring it up because I don’t want to spend the rest of my life defending things I believe to be important to my partner. Not being liberal is a deal breaker for me.

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Oftentimes on OkCupid, I’ll get a message from an angry man who wants to explain to me why he hates “O’Bummer” and why I’m an idiot, but Bumble is pretty safe — after all, we can’t message each other unless we’ve matched. Or so I thought.

Last month I went to a wedding in Charleston, South Carolina. While I was there, I guess Bumble showed my profile results to people around me — because three weeks after I got home, I noticed an email from one of my potential matches.

Apparently, some poor little conservative male snowflake found my Bumble profile to be the most offensive thing he had ever seen. Since this angry man could not message me on Bumble, he went to my website and got my email. He then made a fake email account so he could send me the following novel:

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There are so many things wrong with this message, but I’d like to draw attention to the line “I am just waiting for the day I get the go ahead to grab a rifle. Because a peaceful resolution will not occur. You parasites are a plague.” Look, I’m not an expert — but I think the man who is so enraged by a stranger’s 300 character Bumble profile that he has to go through hoops to email her probably shouldn’t have a rifle.

So I’m sorry, Mr. NOT a beta male. I’m sorry if I hurt your little fee-fees with my preference to date men who are not like you. After all, I am just a nasty shitlib woman, living a lie. My only regret is that, yes, indeed — TrumpsRussiaTies.com is taken.

 

Maybe if I was Braver, Maybe if I was Stronger: A Comey Rewrite

On January 27th, Donald called me at lunchtime. He invited me to dinner that night, saying he was going to invite my boyfriend too, but decided to have just me this time, with my boyfriend coming next time. It was unclear from the conversation who else would be at the dinner, although I assumed my boss’s boss would only invite me to a dinner with others.

I was wrong. It turned out to be just the two of us. Donald greeted me with a large smile and showed me to my seat, as though this was normal behavior for a boss and his employee. Despite presumably having access to a lot of table settings, two high backed chairs were placed next to each other at an uncomfortably small oval table. Half a dozen white roses were placed in a vase, with a trio candelabra next to it. I couldn’t help but notice how close the petals were to the flame. Other than quickly walking in and out to serve us our food, waiters made themselves scarce.

Donald started by asking me if I wanted to keep my job, which I found strange because I have worked here for years and I also like being able to pay my rent. I assured him that yes, I intended to stay in my position. He said that a lot of people would like to have my job, and he would understand if I wanted to walk away.

My instincts told me that a one-on-one setting meant the dinner was, at least in part, an effort to have me ask to keep my job and create some sort of inappropriate relationship between the two of us. That concerned me greatly. My mind started to race: I wondered when the waiters would return to the room, and where Melania was, and my eyes briefly landed on the candelabra, as I instinctively began to check it for sharp edges.

I replied that I loved my job and intended to stay. And then, because the set-up made me uneasy, I said he could always count on me to tell him the truth.

A few moments later, Donald leaned forward. His voice husky and breathy, he whispered, “I need loyalty.” His eyes dropped from my face, down to my chest, and back up. “I expect….loyalty.”

Time stood still. Panic rose up in me. I could feel every atom in my body shaking; I was on high alert. I willed my cheeks to not turn red, and I mashed on my tongue with my teeth. But I didn’t move, speak, or change my facial expression in any way during the awkward silence that followed. We simply looked at each other in silence. The conversation then moved on, but he returned to the subject near the end of our dinner.

Near the end of the dinner, Donald returned to the subject of my job, saying he was very glad I wanted to stay, adding that he had heard great things about me from my direct boss, his good friend Jeff. He then said, “I need loyalty.” I replied, “You will always get honesty from me.” He paused and then said, “That’s what I want, honest loyalty.” It is possible we understood the phrase “honest loyalty” differently, but I decided it wouldn’t be productive to push it further. The term – honest loyalty- had helped end a very awkward conversation and my explanations had made clear what he should expect.

As I mentioned, Donald was my boss’s boss. I returned from the dinner shaken, and not knowing what else I could do, decided to document my experience in a memo. I hoped that he would not ask any more favors of me, and that I could avoid being alone with him in the future.