I’d Rather be Dead Than Pregnant….

…and there are legitimate candidates for President who’d rather I be dead than aborting!

Gosh, nothing puts me in a better mood than watching 10 guys on a stage try to out-brag each other about how  much they hate women’s rights. What a blast the GOP debate was, with each contestant trying to demonstrate his regime had done more to harm Planned Parenthood. What a thrill ride!

There are so many problems I barely even know where to start.

First, we have the conservative idea that government should play a minimal role in our lives — and as a libertarian, I completely agree! That being said, this isn’t the way to do it. The funding that Planned Parenthood receives is more or less minuscule in the grand scheme of things. I can’t speak for all of us, but a large part of what made me begin to identify as libertarian was the stance that once we cut back on taxes and overbearing government red tape, people who can help out will help out.  Cutting something that receives such a tiny amount of the budget (whether at the state or local level) doesn’t translate to people seeing the benefit in their pocketbooks and take home pay; in turn, that doesn’t translate to people having extra money to donate.

I’m not saying the idea to take federal funding out of social welfare programs is wrong; I’m saying the order in which programs are being de-funded is reprehensible. $528 million to subsidize Planned Parenthood in their 2013-2014 fiscal year isn’t so bad when you consider $146 million went to building fucking sports stadiums (which doesn’t help the economy, sorry) or that $3 billion went to testing golf clubs and conducting elementary school experiments in space. So why are we really crying about women’s health services?

Then there’s the whole abortion debacle. The fact that abortion is still a political issue completely blows my mind, yet there stood crazy ass Huckabee, telling us that a fetus needs the same rights as US citizens –I thought you had to be born or naturalized to be a US citizen, but what the fuck do I know? I’m just a woman who was actually born in the US, no need for me to have rights.  

Of course, Trump was there to add his meaningful opinion on abortion. He said knew someone who almost got aborted but is now “a superstar.” What the fuck are you even talking about? Not only does that sound suspiciously like the nonsense Christian rhetoric of “what if Jesus [Christ, Superstar] was aborted?” it also isn’t relevant. Does everyone who knew Jeffrey Dahmer now have an ace in the hole argument for mandatory abortions?!

I’ve written before about how I don’t want kids, but I want to be pretty clear: that isn’t a passive feeling that will be overcome by the grace . I mean if I get knocked up, the parasitic clump of cells WILL be disposed of. Just will it be under the eye of a doctor or on the steps of congress as I stab my uterus until I die?

I can afford to go to another state or fly to Canada, and the idea of bullshit waiting period laws keeping me from being able to immediately get an abortion terrifies me. No, I don’t want to be forced to see the fetus on the screen — not because it’ll make me emotional and change my mind, but because the idea of something growing in me makes me feel physically ill if I think about it too long.

If I have the resources for a round trip international flight and private doctor visit to terminate a pregnancy and I’m still stressed out, I can’t imagine making barely enough to put food in my mouth and needing to drive 13 hours each direction for an abortion with a waiting period.

What disappoints me with the anti-choice crowd is that I go out of my way to talk about the steps I would personally take to abort a child. I would 100% kill myself, and I am not suicidal. Tokophobia and depression are *real* — fucking acknowledge it. I first started talking about sterilization at 18! There are people who DO NOT want kids, who will go through any length to not have them, but it seems like the candidates on stage last night want to keep on pretending only irresponsible teenagers and hookers get abortions. They want to hear “rah rah every kid gets a chance, life is precious.” They don’t want to hear about the expectant mothers of unwanted children are depressed and miserable, about the expectant parents of unwanted children who face financial destruction. So fuck them all. 

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50 Shades Shittier

I promised a round two of why I hate 50 Shades, so here we go. After I wrote about the books last month, I had a bunch of people explain to me how it isn’t abuse and Christian becomes an amazing guy in the end. Thankfully, I actually read the last book instead of listening to the Champions of Grey; no, no he does not stop being a terrible piece of shit. One passage stands out to me more than any other, and I’ll get to it in a moment. 

First, has anyone else ever listen to a friend bitch about a guy and not know what to tactfully say in response? You know, a nice way to say things like he doesn’t call you because he isn’t interested? Or it probably isn’t that he hates relationships, he just hates the idea of one with you, and nagging won’t change that? Or his decision to fight with you whenever you go out without him is a controlling and damaging tactic, and not something you should just get over? Because I find so many women (and I’ve been guilty of this, too!) brush off these actions by making excuses — he’s mysterious, he’s a bad boy, he needs changing, he’s just like Christian Grey, whatever. For people who felt the need to school me on my stance, that right there is the problem. 50 Shades encourage the idea that asshole men can be changed, that manipulative behavior is endearing, and that it’s fine to emotionally manipulate women into being in relationships they repeatedly say they aren’t comfortable with. If someone is doing these things to you, reading it depicted as great and romantic can make you feel like you’re overreacting.

My worst nightmare is being forced to have a child. In order to help avoid that, I do things like not date men who want children. Apparently it’s Christian’s nightmare, too — except he doesn’t run for the hills when Ana expresses her desire to have children. In one of the scenes I personally found most uncomfortable, Christian forces hormonal birth control on her — motherfucker, how about you get snipped if you never want kids? When Ana, who is depicted as being the dumbest person alive (despite her college degree), inevitably forgets her demanded Depo appointments, she gets knocked up. Over and over she worries about how angry Christian will be. When she tells him…well, there’s nothing I can do but show you. Keep in mind they are married and her father just almost died.

“Christ, Ana!” He bangs his fist on the table, making me jump, and stands so abruptly he almost knocks the dining chair over. “You have one thing, one thing to remember. Shit! I don’t fucking believe it. How could you be so stupid?”
Stupid! I gasp. Shit. I want to tell him that the shot was ineffective, but words fail me. I gaze down at my fingers. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “Sorry? Fuck!” he says again.
“I know the timing’s not very good.”
“Not very good!” he shouts. “We’ve known each other five fucking minutes. I wanted to show you the fucking world and now … Fuck. Diapers and vomit and shit!” He closes his eyes. I think he’s trying to contain his temper and losing the battle. “Did you forget? Tell me. Or did you do this on purpose ?” His eyes blaze and anger emanates off him like a force field.
“No,” I whisper. I can’t tell him about Hannah— he’d fire her.
“I thought we’d agreed on this!” he shouts.
“I know. We had. I’m sorry.”
He ignores me. “This is why. This is why I like control. So shit like this doesn’t come along and fuck everything up.”
No … Little Blip. “Christian, please don’t shout at me.” Tears start to slip down my face. “Don’t start with waterworks now,” he snaps. “Fuck.”

God, I’m so glad that Christian is reformed. Maybe people get that impression because we learn that Christian is into BDSM because his mother was a crackhead. I can’t even.

Out of some sick curiosity, I tried to watch the movie…but it wasn’t available on Time for Popcorn, so never mind.

Why So Serious? Smile, Bitch.

I’m sure at this point we’ve all seen the video depicting Shoshana Roberts walking around NYC and getting harassed by men who have nothing better to do than be assholes (if you haven’t, watch it now). There are different types of catcalling and some things bother me more than others – if the discussion ends at “God bless you” or “hello,” I don’t really care. Culturally, moving from DC to Dallas, it took a lot to get used to people interacting with me in a way that is genuinely pleasant (sometimes people actually just say “hello” in Dallas with no strings attached!) versus an indicator I’m about to be mugged or harassed. I am not bitching about pleasantries. I am bitching about smiling. Shocking, I know.

The video shows men doing and saying a variety of things, ranging from the mega creepy guy that follows her in silence to the guy that tells her to smile. When Roberts doesn’t smile, the command is repeated.

Telling someone to smile may or may not be classified as sexual harassment. I don’t know, and I’m not writing this to debate what sexual harassment is. I am writing this to let you know that telling a woman to smile is entirely offensive. Next time you have the urge to tell a sullen looking girl to smile, just smack yourself in the face instead. Maybe she has resting bitch face. Maybe she just found out she’s dying of cancer. Who knows! You sure as shit don’t, so don’t make any assumptions.

Are women as a gender so vapid and empty that we should walk around with goofy ass grins on our faces all of the time? What is it to you if we walk around looking normal instead of grinning or laughing hysterically? Oh, is my face not the landscape you wish it was? Well, fuck off. If I ever snap, I’ll probably carve a forever smile in some asshole stranger’s face after being commanded to smile like I’m a dog that does tricks.

What is the motivation for this? Is it a dominance thing? Do men who do it even realize what shits they’re being? I spent my teenage years and early 20s thinking I was crazy for being so offended by this, but it seems other people are coming around to my train of thought. I’d rather you call me a fucking cunt bitch as I walk past you on the street.

I walk a fine line, because my job is to be happy and perky. I understand when consumers say it to me as work, because resting bitch face isn’t a good look for a booth girl. But if I’m just buying some groceries, go away.

“Smile. You’re too pretty to look so sad.” Oh. Someone you find attractive isn’t allowed to have emotions? You sound like a great boyfriend. Where do I sign up?
“Smile. It’s not that serious.” This is when I like to tell them someone close to me just died/I have a a life threatening disease (it was really genuine and great when I had my ovarian cancer scare).
“Smile. What’s wrong with you?” Are you asking because you care? Because I could write you a novel.

“Oh, but they’re just being nice,” you say. “Those men are just making conversation.” Oh. Okay. Because being issued a command is so flattering. I definitely want to have a conversation with you now. I can’t wait for you to exert more control over me.

Ugh. Does anyone else have this pet peeve? Please say yes.

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