Here are some veterans who think it’s okay for NFL players to kneel for the national anthem

…not that kneeling during the national anthem has a goddamn thing to do with disrespecting the military.

 

 

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Manda Moore: An Accurate Re-Write of “Kevin Williamson: The Punishment I Favor for Abortion, Part 329874”

When will Kevin Williamson stop complaining? Probably never.

Kevin D. Williamson is a Texas-based writer.

Kevin D. Williamson is a Texas-based complainer and professional fired person.

As a libertarian, I fully accept the motto that what a woman chooses to do with her own body is her business. As someone who can count, I believe that abortion involves two bodies. That’s what makes it a difficult question.

As a libertarian, on paper I fully accept the trope that what a woman chooses to do with her own body is her business.. As someone who is also a male supremacist, that belief ends when women make choices I disagree with. I have no mainstream career and the alt right doesn’t like me enough to fund me like they do Gay Milo, so I have to drag out this difficult question of whether or not I want to hang women who have abortions — even though I don’t value women as people.

So what would it mean as a practical legal matter to outlaw abortion? That is a question I have been asked frequently since being fired by the Atlantic over a four-year-old, six-word tweet and accompanying podcast in which I was alleged to have voiced an extremist view on the matter of criminalizing abortion — that it should be punished by hanging.

So what would it mean as a practical legal matter to outlaw abortion? This is a question I have frequently avoided fully answering since being fired by the Atlantic over a four year old, six word tweet I am so grateful I once made. Without that, I wouldn’t even exist to any of you, because you libtards would have passed right on over my column — after all, liberals hate everyone who thinks differently than they do.

That isn’t my view at all. But it leaves the question: What should be done?

The tweet that has now literally made my career isn’t my view at all. But it leaves the question: when will I share my view?

For some people, even to ask the question brings up dystopian images, from “The Handmaid’s Tale” to the Taliban. To me, a better model than the imaginary Gilead is the real world’s France.

For some people, even to ask me my viewpoint comes brings up the absurd notion I should answer the question. But like Offred’s torturous sex sessions, I am not going anywhere until the money dries up.

France, like many European countries, takes a stricter line on abortion than does the United States: Abortion on demand is permitted only through the 12th week of pregnancy. After that, abortion is severely restricted, permitted only to prevent grave damage to the mother’s health, or in the event of severe fetal abnormalities. France is not a neo-medieval right-wing dystopia.

France, a country that my ilk were quick to mock by taking renaming our French fries FREEDOM FRIES, a country that let in too many of the bad browns and now has terrorism littering its streets, a country of godless heathens, is actually also a global leader of goodness and morality. France is NOT a right-wing dystopia. It’s a left wing hell. But despite that, THEY LOVE BABIES

The law in France imposes penalties on those who perform illegal abortions, ranging from forfeiture of medical licenses for doctors to fines and, in some cases, incarceration (for providers, not for the woman obtaining the abortion) ranging from six months to 10 years. Those sanctions seem reasonable to me. Why not start there and see how it works?

The law in France imposes penalties on doctors. I do not have a uterus, and I also don’t like women. France’s decisions seem very reasonable to my penis. Why not start there and see how it works?

Coincidentally, “why not start there and see how it works?” is my go to line when I am trying to get the never recreational sex.

The French model does not represent an ideal final settlement. It would, in fact, leave untouched the vast majority of abortions, about 90 percent of which happen during the first trimester. It would, however, represent a welcome advance — one that would establish a post-Roe v. Wade legal framework for incremental reform. Whether to restrict abortion at the 12th week or the eighth week is a very different discussion than the one we are presently having.

The French model isn’t ideal, because despite the right’s crying about third trimester abortions, 90% of abortions happen in the first trimester. So I propose a new solution, that won’t be impacted by Roe v. Wade: every time a woman has sex, we lock her in a dungeon for 3 months.

Abortion is an absolute evil, but abortion opponents need not fall into the trap of political absolutism. Any enduring political settlement will require consensus, and that can only be worked out through the democratic process. It may be a 50- or even 100-year project. But strong-arming the country with a 5-to-4 Supreme Court vote or a temporary congressional majority is not the way to a lasting settlement.

I know that sounds evil. But it’s actually ABORTION that is an absolute evil. The thing is, if the women can’t access an abortion for three months, then we don’t need to change any laws.

The question for abortion opponents is this: Shall we act on our desire to punish, or on our desire to stop the killing? These desires do not necessarily lead in the same direction.

The question for abortion opponents is this: Shall we act on our desire to punish, or on our desire to stop the killing? These desires do not necessarily lead in the same direction.

The desire to punish is not always ignoble — sometimes, it points us in the direction of justice. But it can lead us astray, too, as it does in the matter of capital punishment as it currently is practiced in the United States.

A more prudent path is one of reducing and mitigating the violence.

The desire to punish is not always ignoble — sometimes, it points us in the direction of justice. But it can lead us astray, too, as it does in the matter of capital punishment as it currently is practiced in the United States.

A more prudent path is one of reducing and mitigating the violence by simply removing the women from society.

I differ from most pro-lifers in that I am willing to extend criminal sanctions to women who procure abortions and to those who enable abortions, assuming they are mentally competent adults ordinarily answerable for their actions. But this thought experiment has us writing one part of an imaginary statute without seeing the rest of the law. Only real-world experience will show what is effective, and our preference should be for the least-invasive effective settlement.

I differ from most pro-lifers in that I am willing to extend criminal sanctions to women who procure abortions and to those who enable abortions. Thankfully, the Vice President of the United States of America is one of the few people to push for and prosecute women under infanticide laws, so I think I have a real case here.

We are a long way from having that fight. Even if Roe v. Wade is overturned tomorrow, there is no obviously national aspect to abortion, so we will confront 50 fights in 50 legislatures representing 50 different political realities. It does not seem likely the people of New Jersey and the people of Utah will come to the same settlement, but abortion opponents should not replicate their rivals’ error by attempting to subvert the political process. It will be a long and frustrating process, and much evil will be done before it is complete. But that is the work before the pro-life movement, and there’s no avoiding it.

 We are a long way from having that fight. At the very least, I need RBG and Nancy Pelosi to drop dead. I’m sure it won’t be a popular opinion to lock up women, but that is the badge of honor of the pro-life man: we must endure humiliation and national mockery, all in an effort to teach these sluts what’s best for them. Mock me all you want, libtards. In the underground sex jails, no one can hear you.

You Took Him to Prom, but I Will Have Him to the Grave

High school is the best time of your life. You think your friends will actually be your friends forever, and you think you’ll marry the amazing man you’re dating your senior year. For some people, that might be the case. But for the rest of us, adulthood ends up being mediocre. Your friends don’t get to see you eight hours a day for five days a week, and for some reason don’t invite you to the happy hours you see they all attend. Your high school boyfriend dumps you so he can go to college on the other side of the country. Adult interactions are scary and difficult, so instead you just replay the greatest hits from your childhood in your head.

Anyway. So you thought you’d marry your high school boyfriend. I know for a fact you fantasized about your wedding, because that is what all teenage girls do. I know this, because I am a senior in college now, with many years of life experience. But guess what, bitch: you weren’t right for him.

I wish I could say I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m not. He is mine now. And I know that you, years after breaking up, are still sitting around thinking about him. Probably while you watch your high school friends’ Snapchat stories, because thinking about my man is more fun than wondering why your friends don’t invite you out anymore. You might eventually find someone, but I’m glad MY boyfriend wasn’t the right one. Because now he is mine, because you were a garbage girlfriend.

This is going to be really surprising, but sometimes I have issues with jealousy. I know I hide it very well, but I am opening up to you. This public letter to my boyfriend’s high school girlfriend is a reflection of how normal I am. Everyone does this. Anyway you fucking bitch, did you even appreciate prom with my boyfriend? I BET YOU DIDN’T. I would have appreciated him. It kills me I couldn’t be there. Watching you two from afar. Waiting for you to go to the bathroom, or to sneak off in the corner with one of your friends for some gossip. I could have swooped in and shown him my love is the purest of loves, unlike yours.

I hate that the only opportunity one has to dress up in life is prom. Adults have no friends or events, so now I will die without a chance to dress up for my love. And you, you selfish bitch, he got to see you dressed up.

I actually never went to prom, because I didn’t really know anyone in high school. I tried to show up at people’s houses unannounced so that we could totally be besties, and so I could make sure no one who was my friend was hanging out with that bitch Julia who was a year younger but so mean, but everyone in my hometown is really rude and no one ever opened their doors. I would take my friends’ phones and see if they had been texting Julia, because she was such a bitch, and once I saw my friend Chelsea had prom dress shopping pictures on her phone. Turns out Chelsea had been dress shopping with fucking Julia, so I threw her phone across the room into a wall.

But anyway. Chelsea’s pictures looked like a lot of fun, at least before I shattered her phone. All the brightly colored prom dresses. All the planning and giggling. All the friendships. I’m sure you had a lot of fun picking out his tux to match your dress. You did a horrible fucking job, by the way. Just like you did a bad job being a girlfriend.

I find myself getting jealous, but then I stop. I used to do really weird and crazy shit when I was jealous, but now I am a perfect beacon of whatever the opposite of jealousy is. I remind myself how you are a stupid slut, and I get to match his tux to my WEDDING DRESS. And I won’t be using the ugly color scheme you used, because I have taste and class. And I remind myself that, years ago, he ditched your sorry ass. And now I will love him forever and ever. And he will love me. He will love me with every breath he takes, until he dies.

I try not to get jealous of your childhood experiences with him, because that would weird and you are in the past. You had your time, defiling my beautiful man, and now you are GONE. You got to dress up for prom with him, and now I get to dress up with him for my wedding, which I am sure is happening. He may have put a corsage on your wrist, but if you come near him ever again, I will be putting a knife in the same spot he put a ring on my finger.

This is a parody of the very reasonable article, You May Have Worn the Prom Dress with Him, but I get to Wear the Wedding Dress

More or Less What Online Dating Profiles Look Like

Erik, 36

My Self Summary
Never married, no kids. Is there anyone “sane” on any of these apps? LOL I meet so many women and they all are just crazy. Anyway I am looking to date, but to me dating is sleeping with you after 2 weeks, never talking to you again, and wondering why you text me 5 times after that. I don’t take selfies, so sorry all of my photos have large groups of generic looking white men in them — I am the attractive one!

John, 42

Body Type: a little extra
Height: 5’6″
Kids: Does not have kids, and definitely wants them
Seeking: Women ages 18-25

My Self Summary
I work as a contractor for the federal government. I love craft beer, and I’m really into IPAs right now. I spend a lot of time reading very important and thick books, probably ones you have never heard of it — but don’t feel bad. I am usually the most educated and intelligent person in the room. I work about 100 hours a week, so we will never see each other — I need you to be okay with this. When I am off, I will spend most of my free time brooding, thinking about very pretentious things. We can talk about them sometimes, but mostly so I can subtly put you down for not being as smart as I am. I promise that within the first 10 minutes of meeting, I will ask you your feelings on a very specific part of a very pretentious book, one that you may or may not have read in college. Study up 😉

Since I am obviously bringing a lot to the table, I expect that you will, too. Please, no one over 25. Even though I have put it off until my 40s, I would like to have at least 3 children, so I need a woman who will be able to provide me with them. You need to be smart — like I have said, I am very intelligent, and you will need to at least try to keep up. I will be bringing you to parties, and while you should remain mostly silent, I do expect you wow my friends with either 3 witty banters or 1 profound observation per special event.

Physically, I require that you be tall and slender, but not bulky with muscle, because that is gross. You need to have a large bosom, but a small band size. Think Victoria’s Secret model meets Barbie, and you kind of have my preferred aesthetic. It goes without saying you need to be blonde and white, but exceptions can be made for particularly beautiful Brazilian or Panamanian women — assuming your English is free of accent.

I feel as though it is impossible to find a good woman these days, but hopefully the one is out there.

Jon, 31

My Self Summary
Proud father to a 2 month old. Currently transitioning to a new career path as a stand up comic. Seeking a true connection, LTR. I have a lot going on, and I’m hoping to find a girlfriend so I can saddle her with all of my emotional problems.

Aaron, 33

My Self Summary
I don’t get why everyone on this website cares so much about who you voted for. I was RAISED RIGHT and I am proud of it. I’m a nice guy and I will always treat you right! Think about it: if you won’t go out with me just because I voted for Trump, aren’t YOU the bigot?

“Not Trying to Argue, but…..” Dating in the Age of Trump – Part 2

Welcome to week two in the collection of my personal dating hell. Enjoy.

HELP, HELP, I’M BEING OPPRESSED!

Random Art Man: I like your profile. I agree with most of it. However, I’m a full time painter and women definitely have the advantage in the gallery world. Not trying to argue, but it’s probably one of their strongest areas.
Me: Cool.

At the time I received this, my profile said, “if you are a white guy, make sure you are comfortable saying both ‘men have the upper hand, and so do white people, and I benefit from this is in society.’” Now, can someone please explain to me what made this man feel like he had to message me and let me know that, in this one specific area, women are ahead? Go fuck yourself, Random Art Man.

Also, “it’s probably one of their strongest areas”? What an awkward fucking thing to say. It sounds like he’s talking to me about a baseball team, or maybe a kindergarten class. Certainly not a group of people that half the population, including myself, belong to. “The Orioles roster is stacked with pitchers, it’s probably one their strongest areas” (hahahahaha jk) or, “Ms. Sally’s kindergarten class is really good at spelling. It’s probably one of their strongest areas.”

Womenfolk sure do have an advantage at art stuff. As a gender, it’s probably one of their strongest areas.
Gay men sure do have an advantage when it comes to creating a fashion powerhouse. As a group, it’s probably one of their strongest areas.
Black men sure do have an advantage when it comes to joining the NFL. It’s probably one of their strongest areas.
Random Art Men sure do have an advantage when it comes to sounding like assholes. It’s probably one of their strongest areas.

TAKE THE COMPLIMENT!

Me: I’m too liberal.
Man: I don’t usually talk politics, so we would get along. And if you ramble on about stuff way too liberal for my taste, I will just start making out with you so I don’t have to listen to it.
Me: lol. I mostly talk about politics…
Man: Then we would probably have a very active and enjoyable sex life together.
Me: oh
Man: I don’t mind talking about any topic, but I don’t go overboard with it. The world is the way it is…has always been that way. Do you want a partner to just talk politics with?
Me: lol not just, no
Man: Cool. Are you on Facebook?
Me: Who isn’t?
Man: Can we be friends on FB?
Me: Haha we haven’t met! My Facebook is almost 100% politics, you’d hate it lol
Man: It’s okay, it will give me a better gauge of who you are.
Me: lol ok

Man: You are very attractive. You look hot in your Bumble profile but…your Bumble profile doesn’t do you justice.
Me: lol its the same pictures!
Man: But seeing more pictures gives me a much better perspective of your looks.
Me: oh
Man: Take the compliment.
Man: I usually like to see the Facebook profile because I pass on about 99% of girls for not being my type.
Me: I’m glad I passed the test.
Man: Yes, you did pass.
Man: I am going to take a power nap, text later today.
Me: Hey so there was a lot of objectification in your messages. I’m not *only* looking for a partner to discus politics with, but I’m also no looking for a stranger who tells me they’ll shut me up from talking about things that are important to me with sex. We are likely not a good match, but best of luck in your search.
Man: You are confusing playfulness with objectification but that’s fine, it’s only texting and wouldn’t lead to a real conversation over the phone anyways. Good luck to you too.

Isn’t this a wild ride?

“Oh, this is something you care about? Well, if I think you are rambling on too long about silly things like racial inequality and police brutality, I will just fuck you quiet!”

“You have passed my test of attractiveness. Do you not feel validated? Hello? Say ‘thank you,’ you rude bitch!”

“When I said words to you, you believed them? Haha, silly little woman! So confused! It’s a joke, you know. If you bothered to get to know me, you’d know that when I say misogynistic things, I am joking. In fact, in general? If I say something that upsets you, you can just assume it’s a joke. Because I’m always going to tell you it was. Gosh, typical woman — no sense of humor.”

Next time: men I actually met.

This is Part 2 of a series. Find Part 1 here. Follow me on Facebook and Twitter, and if you ever need an anti-Trump shirt…well, I’ve got you covered

Are You Trolling Me? Dating in the Age of Trump – Part 1

A couple of months ago I wrote about some anonymous asshole who decided to send me death threats via Bumble. After I wrote it, I realized I was still pretty pissed off….and I just kept writing about all the shitty men I have found on the internet. I have been online dating on and off since 2009, so I certainly have a lot of material.

As I wrote, I realized there was a line between my stories: the Donald Trump era. Before Trump, my stories were funny, but fluff. After Trump, they were sometimes very depressing. From 2012-2015 I was in a relationship with a man, and obviously I was not spending my time online dating. But hearing what my friends were going through, I often thought that I would probably just be single forever if my boyfriend and I broke up. It seemed that dating had gotten worse — though I didn’t really understand how that could be possible. Once my ex and I broke up, it was confirmed: dating was worse. I wasn’t sure if it was me, or if it was because I was older, or what was going on. But the misogyny and hatred I faced dating after Trump was significantly more than before. When Trump was just a punchline at the National Correspondents Dinner, men weren’t messaging me to threaten to kill me because of my feminist views. When Trump was at the helm of the United States, they were.

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing some of my stories. Whether it’s aggressive messages from strangers I never ended up meeting who want nothing more than to put me in my place, or men I dated for weeks or months…my misery is here for you to enjoy!

The Gaslighting, Mapless Felon

For clarity, here is my OKCupid profile:

Screen Shot 2017-11-21 at 3.05.57 PM

 

That somehow prompted the following exchange between myself and a gentleman I have dubbed “Mapless Felon.”

Mapless Felon: Did you know there are no atheist in fox holes…
Mapless Felon: I’m against the “wall” …I’m for a mine field and machine guns torrents…. Because for close to 5 decades South America has been infiltrating the country
Mapless Felon: Historical fact…
Me: Have you ever wondered what psychological issue you suffer from that makes you message women on dating sites to tell them they’re wrong about their beliefs?
Me: I would recommend researching that, whether through self discover or with a psychologist, over the research you’ve done to justify murder at the border. Likely self discovery in the first area will also explain your position that appears to be shooting women and children on sight. Cheers!
Mapless Felon: Oh….I agree I have some issues… Who doesn’t? It’s part of being human…. Yes the women and children… The law breakers!!!!!
Mapless Felon: Have another drink lol
Mapless Felon: And I dunno if you watch the news…. But there seem to be a lot of those ms people in your area…. Maybe some like experience would change your perception…. See with the illegals and the gang affiliates…. The 8 year old is a fucking gang member.
Mapless Felon: I’m not against immigration…. I’m against criminals…. My friends lol some are actual factual immigrants…. Also republicans…. Funny all these people agree with me…. Also these friends of mine know more about our country than either of us…. Most people that migrate legally are republicans….
Mapless Felon: Look up how many Reagan gave amnesty 4 decades ago…. Yeah it’s a problem and has been a problem…. Do you have kids…. Because I buy supplies for mine and the illegals….
Me: Well, I’m just going to report you to OKCupid since you seem so down with threatening to murder people. You probably shouldn’t have any guns if this is who you are as a person. Russian is a lot harder to learn than English, which you clearly have spent your life struggling with, so when our new Russian oligarch overlords demand we speak their native tongue….you might be screwed.
Mapless Felon: Imma felon…. I can’t have any legally lol I love russians! And speak a Slovak language I pray they save us from the liberal agenda…
Mapless Felon: You know this is pretty much one of the only conversations I’m having….I believe that by being rude and disrespectful gets a reply Lol been nice chatting with you… Maybe next time someone gives you a hi or hello you respond with so much passion….See.. Y’all are bitter angry people than would prefer to argue….Honestly why reply to a rude comment??? And ignore nice messages.

I think I kind of dropped the ball with this exchange, because it never occurred to me to point out to this guy that there is quite a bit of space between South America and the US border. If only we had made it to our first date, I could have brought him a map. But I guess that’s the least horrible thing he said.

Where do I sign up to train myself to have the same level of cognitive dissonance this guy has? “I’m against criminals, unless the criminal in question is myself. I am, after all, a felon.” What? How do you seriously type that out without realizing what a hypocritical asshole you are?

But the gaslighting! Oh boohoo, poor mapless felon can’t get a date with all his nice messages. Any guy who has to cry about how nice he is and why can’t women see that and want to date him? They’re probably not that nice.

Anyway, ladies. If you’re looking for love and in the DC area, I have some bad news: this obviously completely sane and non-violent nice dude appears to have deleted his account (or OKCupid took me seriously and deleted it). Sorry.

I AM Black Lives Matter

For clarity: my profile contained these two pictures, plus me another of me holding a bottle of rum:

 

Random Man: I would normally ask why ur famous and on the news according to ur profile pic but I need to go warm up some ribs cause I’m hungry. Cheers!
Random Man, 8 hours later: Rum. That’s about it. Had no idea you were black lives matter. Hopefully u understand twice as many unarmed whites have been killed by police this year. How about certain races just need to stop causing more crimes? Ever think about that? Glad u think Obama care rocks and u think more taxes and more government is good. Glad u think the problem is our lax gun laws and not terrorism. You’re likely one that voted for Obama only cause he was black and Hillary because she was a woman…like most of the crying snowflakes. Lol no idea what is real. Watch too much CNN and Facebook. Definitely aren’t close to anyone in the military. Definitely think u have an open mind but definitely don’t respect any one else’s opinion unless it’s yours. [emphasis mine]

Well, Random Man, I also had no idea that I AM Black Lives Matter. But I sure am glad you told me!

What’s truly insane about this, is that this man messaged me when my profile was fairly apolitical – I didn’t even have AbortMikePence.com yet! I don’t have a screenshot of my profile at the time, but I figured those two pictures did enough talking. I never mentioned Obama, Obamacare, taxes, Clinton, or guns. What a fucking lunatic. I’m the snowflake, but he was so triggered by my participation in a protest that he had to tell me, despite not knowing me, he knows I don’t respect his opinion. How do conservative men live like this? Can I spend just one single day feeling so important that I get to go around and tell other people who quietly disagree with me, they are VERY WRONG and need to respect MY opinion? It’s like the conservative rallying cry: no one respects our opinions! And all the snowflakes have stupid opinions!

That’s enough for now, I think. Come back every Wednesday for more stories, and maybe a few dramatic readings if I get drunk enough to do one. And pleeeease feel free to share your Trump era dating stories in the comments — I’m not alone, right?

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter, and if you ever need an anti-Trump shirt…well, I’ve got you covered

 

 

“Are My Cramps God’s Way of Punishing Me For Not Procreating?” and Other Questions for Mike Pence

I originally wrote this last year before the election, but never published it. I thought it might still be relevant now. 

“I am a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican,” Mike Pence announced last July at the RNC. Funny — at the time, I thought he was also the de facto OBGYN for every single woman in Indiana. Maybe he was just trying to not brag about his qualifications? Maybe he was hoping we’d forget?

And forget we did. In all the talk about Trump, Sessions, Flynn, Spicer, and the rest of the merry band of idiots in the administration, it seems Forgettable Pence remains, well, forgettable.

Mike Pence has been a bane of my existence ever since he signed HB 1337, which would have made Indiana home to the most restrictive abortion laws on the books if a judge hadn’t struck it down. When Trump picked Pence for his running mate, I was not one of the many asking “Who is Mike Pence?” And as people have called for the impeachment of Trump, I have been the one saying, “but only if it’s a two for one!” But that doesn’t mean I don’t have plenty of questions for Mike Pence. Because oh Lord, do I ever.

Continue reading “Are My Cramps God’s Way of Punishing Me For Not Procreating?” and Other Questions for Mike Pence