Category Archives: WTF

You Love Your Curvy Wife? Well, I Love My Small Dick Husband

I love this man and his small penis. As a young woman, I was often mocked by my friends for my attraction to guys who weren’t well endowed, ones who bought big lifted trucks and worked out all the time. Ones the average (basic) bitch might refer to as “overcompensating.” Then, as I became a woman and started to educate myself in biology and how the media marginalizes small penis men by portraying a very narrow and specific view of penis standards (thick, tall, straight), I realized how many women have bought into that lie. For me there is nothing sexier than my man: small dick, big truck, and occasional steroid user. His shape won’t be featured on YouPorn (or maybe it will!), but it’s the one featured in my life. There’s nothing sexier to me than a man who knows his shortcoming. This sexy man I married doesn’t really fill every inch of his jeans, but he does fill every inch of my heart. Women, rethink what society has told you that you should desire. A real man is not a porn star! Boys, don’t think you have to fully fill a certain mold to be desired or loved. There is a woman out there who will love you for who you are, exactly as I love my man; a man who is okay with me backhandedly complimenting him on the internet.

To Women Crying About Swimsuit Bottoms: Shut Up

It’s starting to get warm outside, which means it’s the time of the year where women feel like they should police each other’s fashion choices. 2017 is kicking off with the words of one Kayla Ratajczak, who managed the get The Odyssey to publish her drivel: “To Girls Wearing ‘Cheeky’ Swimsuit Bottoms, Please Stop.”

I’m going to give Kayla the benefit of the doubt and assume (hope?) that she didn’t pick the article title — condescendingly referring to the women you’re sexualizing as “girls” seems in particularly poor taste. But she did write the article, so even though the title basically covers the entire post…let’s dive right in.

As spring is starting to finally show its face after a long harsh winter, many women are becoming excited about all of the new spring fashion lines that are being released full of bright colors and fun pieces.

Can I just say — and I’m sorry, maybe this is because I’m a salty writer without a publisher — this already sounds a piece that was commissioned  for $1 per 1,000 words on Freelancer.com? Or possibly something a robot wrote.

However, upon the release of the new swimsuit line, I believe many women, including myself, are less than thrilled.

The new swimsuit line???? Whose new swimsuit line?? IS THERE ONLY  ONE SWIMSUIT PRODUCING COMPANY FOR ALL WOMEN THIS YEAR?! So much for making America great again.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, check it out. Just type “Bathing Suit Trends for 2017” into your Google search bar and “Cheeky” bikini bottoms will more than likely be at the top of your list.

“I am writing an article about something, but you’ll have to Google it to figure out what I’m talking about.” I also really love the directions on how to Google. I guess most people who will agree with this article are about 90, so maybe they will need the instructions.

Coming from a female who cares about her body and self-image, this not only makes me angry but disappointed in the lack of value that women still have today.

Oh. I’m sorry I was mean earlier. I liked it better when you were telling me to Google things instead of sharing your shitty opinions. Well, it sure is unfortunate that there is only THE SINGULAR SWIMSUIT LINE. Coming from a female (why the choice of “female” over “woman”?) who cares about her body and SELF-image, what other people wear doesn’t fucking impact my life at all.

First off, why should it be socially acceptable to wear basically a thong around in public in the summer months?

Kayla, how about we double down on this: ISN’T A SWIMSUIT JUST BASICALLY PANTIES AND A BRA?! WHY HAVE WOMEN EVER BEEN ALLOWED TO WEAR THIS TRASH?! AREN’T A BRA AND PANTIES BASICALLY BEING NAKED?! ISN’T BEING NAKED BASICALLY SLUTTY SEX?! Let’s get rid of pools and beaches completely!

Have bathing suit companies forgotten that often times, women are around young children and family members when sporting a bathing suit?

I fucking hate when there is one trend and I am FORCED TO WEAR IT. Like, I hate jeans. I think people who say jeans are comfortable are liars. Yet Big Fashion constantly forces me to wear jeans! Oh. Wait. Also, I personally wear different dresses around my family than I do when I’m going to the club. It doesn’t mean that all dresses need to be appropriate for dinner with my dad. And stop thinking “young children” care about your ass.

More importantly, what does it teach the younger generation who see women wearing these types of bathing suits? It surely doesn’t teach them about having self-respect or dignity in themselves.

I mean, not if you’re around to poison their minds with your backwards shaming views. But yeah, it does teach the younger generation that dressing how you want is okay and nothing to be ashamed of.

Now, I understand people are going to disagree with me saying things such as “Women should be free to wear whatever they want, men exercise that right, why shouldn’t we?” or “If you’re confident in it, rock it.” Which if you’re one of these people, I understand where you are coming from, BUT do you often see men roaming around in a speedo to attract attention?

This is a really good point. As a woman, literally everything I do is to attract attention. I can’t help it. It’s in my DNA.

Therefore, why do women feel the need to succumb to showing more and more skin each year to attract attention?

You just answered this question: because everything we do is for attention, duh.

Also, I’m all for the self-confidence, you should feel amazing and proud of what you wear; however, a line needs to be drawn firmly in the sand in regards to what is appropriate and what is not and “cheeky” bathing suit bottoms are not appropriate.

THANK FUCKING GOD WE HAVE YOU HERE TO MAKE THESE RULES FOR ALL OF US. What IS appropriate?! I need to know, Kayla. You never tell us. How can I dress myself without your guidance?!

I mean think of yourself as a parent,

Vomit.

would you want to see your daughter flaunting “her stuff” in a bathing suit that barely covers anything while boys flock to her every side? I think not.

How many sides does my daughter have?! I don’t think it’s the swimsuit that’s causing the flocking here. Can I sell her cubed torso to science?

Although I know many women this summer will not be listening to my advice, however, for those of you who do, thank you for showing respect to your bodies as well as yourselves.

But you didn’t really give any advice. I DON’T KNOW WHAT KIND OF SWIMSUIT I CAN WEAR. PLEASE HELP.

Our world needs more women like you to prove that we are characters of substance and value, not just itemized beauty to gawk at.

Our world needs more women who aren’t judgmental pieces of shit to prove that we (all women?!) are characters of substance and value, not just items for you to direct your bizarre anger from your internalized misogyny.

As for me, you’ll find me this summer laying on a beach with a bathing suit that fully covers my behind.

Bitch, thanks to this post you’ll find me this summer laying on a beach, face down, with an actual Victoria’s Secret lace thong on.

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Ferguson Police Department: Probably a Bunch of Awesome Guys

If you search “Ferguson” in Google news, you’ll see journalists taking back the negative things they said about the FPD, numerous comparisons of Ferguson to Benghazi, and now an officer who says the stress of Ferguson protests caused him to drive drunk. What you won’t see much of is discussion of the DOJ report on the Ferguson Police Department.  To be fair, I found that the CIA torture report was an easier to get through (though much longer) read. The 105 page PDF took me an unusually long time to get through, but now that I have read it…well, I wish I could say it was shocking. It’s definitely some fucked up shit.

Screen Shot 2015-03-22 at 4.30.45 PM

The FPD created  an environment in which the sole purpose of the police force was to make money for the city. If that sounds reasonable to you, please recall the purpose of the police is to protect and serve the citizens, not to rob your of your rights via your wallet. How does a $571 fine for tall grass or a $302 fine for manner of walking sound? To me, it sounds fucking absurd. To the FPD? Reasonable! Of course, I guess absurd crimes deserve absurd fines — after all, what is manner of walking? Since 95% of the people arrested for it were black, one can assume it’s for being black while walking.

In a city with a per capita income of $21,000, it doesn’t take a Mensa scholar to realize that forcing citizens to pay $571 for having weeds in the yard might be an impossible task. Fortunately, the city found a way to fix that: you can be arrested for not paying your fine in full and on time — many times people are given court dates within a week, so hopefully everyone in Ferguson just stockpiles all their extra pennies in case the police decide to fuck with them. Of course, police often incorrectly write the court dates or times on the citations, so even if you do have the money to pay…you might still get a warrant! Pretty messed up, huh?

But wait! There’s more! Let’s imagine you’ve been given a ridiculously high fine and you want to pay it, but you can’t afford to pay it all at once. So you send the court $20 or $50, with a letter explaining why.  Joke’s on you! Ferguson wants its money, and it wants its money NOW! The court has repeatedly rejected partial payments from citizens, claiming it can’t process them. Nothing says “we care about protecting the people we serve” like locking away old ladies for not mowing their lawns!

Oh, hold on! I’m wrong. I know what makes it clear you care about the citizens you serve: fuckin tasing them for no reason!

Screen Shot 2015-03-25 at 6.05.44 PMThe report repeatedly drives home the fact that the FPD uses their ECWs (Electronic Control Weapons) as the only option. While other police are trained to diffuse situations, the FPD fires their ECWs first and worries about consequences later — oh, wait. Just kidding. They don’t worry about the consequences, because there is no accountability. Almost no one bothers to fill out the reports when an ECW is used, and if they do it’s so poorly done they might as well not. Keep in mind there’s an easy way to track whether or not you fired your ECW: you have to replace the cartridge.

But it’s okay. I’m sure if the DOJ investigated other police departments, they’d be golden. I’m sure this is a one off situation that isn’t deserving of national attention. Those crazy race and class baiters should be ashamed of themselves!

Ah, yes. Totally reasonable.

The Case for Banning Yoga Pants

Hi friends! I think I’ve been doing something terribly wrong, and I wanted to reach out and see if you could help me. Here is how my days usually go: when I decide I’m done with pajamas, I either lazily put on leggings (because it’s a day of working out or not giving a fuck how I look) or I shave my legs, blow dry my hair, do my make up, and put on something cute (like a body con dress or a short flare skirt, because I like to look as trampy as possible and I hate all “real” pants).

But apparently, my lazy as fuck, figure skating, crossfitting, errand running outfit is about the sluttiest outfit I could wear (except my birthday suit. Ew. Women’s bodies are icky).  I actually have everything backwards — I need to rock a nice Herve Leger to the gym and grocery store, and save the leggings for when I’m trying to seduce men at the bar or on a date.

Casual outfit for grabbing some groceries

Casual outfit for grabbing some groceries

I mean, what else would be the reason for Montana wanting to make leggings illegal?!  Not because the Representative Moore is a crazy asshole who wants to boss everyone around like tyrannical dictator!

In Soviet Russia, legging wear you. Also, look at the Olympic medal winning legging-slut.

Look at the Olympic medal winning legging wearing slut. Doesn’t she know children are watching?!

Walt Hill, who helped draft the bill, says “I want Montana to be known as a decent state where people can live within the security of laws and protect their children and associates from degrading and indecent practices.” Me, too!! Degrading and indecent practices of the government not making me get dolled up to go to the fucking grocery store.

Standard club attire in Montana

Standard club attire in Montana

So is everyone else using leggings as a way to seduce men and ruin children? Why am I always the last to know what’s going on? Can I run a black market legging shop if this goes through? And more importantly, can someone make a Butte, Montana pun out of this?

Drive a Camel, Evade a Rapist. Drive a Car, Rape Free For All.

Hello, ladies. Do you drive? Well, you better trade that Buick in for a camel!! According to Saudi historian Saleh al-Saadoon, while women used to ride camels, women can’t drive cars because the cars break down and then the women are raped. If you live outside of Saudi Arabia, you don’t care about being raped — the only thing that getting raped does to you is bring down your morale a bit. You know, like when you expect it to be sunny and it rains? Or when you want that special edition Red Bull in the yellow can, but 7-11 only has the regular kind? And your day just kind of sucks for a little bit.

Are you confused? Don’t worry, he goes on to tell us to listen to him “and get used to what society thinks, if [you] are really so out of touch with it.”

“But Manda,” you say, “what if the women are raped by the men who drive them around?!” Maybe you haven’t been paying attention, but obviously there is a solution for this: importing women drivers. “But wouldn’t this be a rapist’s dream?! Two women stuck in a broken down car, AKA a rape machine on useless wheels?!” Look, shut up — their rapists probably don’t do that. Also, sign me up. Sounds like a dream job.

This sums it up

This sums it up

“Marriage: The Best Way to Solve Your Relationship Problems” – GOD, According to Columnist Mike Adams

Do you want to save yourself from being beaten by your boyfriend? Do you want to increase your chances of being beaten by your girlfriend? Just get married! At least, that’s what I learned today from the Town Hall article, The Ring Makes All the Difference by one Mike Adams. 

I know I’m just a radical feminist who wants to destroy the idea of marriage and family (because God definitely thinks it is important you register your commitment with the state, y’all!), so my opinion probably doesn’t matter…but what a bunch of idiotic bullshit. Adams doesn’t really making any of his own points (outside of labeling feminists as life destroyers), but highlights some of his favorite facts from a book called (wait for it!) The Ring Makes All the Difference: The Hidden Consequences of Cohabitation and the Strong Benefits of Marriage.

Obviously, there is a lot of wrong going on here, but I’d like to start with the very last paragraph: “God is the author of the rules of the game of life. He is also the creator of science. When properly applied, His methods always reveal the truth.” I don’t really know what that has to do with anything, other than maybe saying if bitches get beat by their live in man sinner sluts, it’s because they didn’t listen to God’s rules of the game of life. But maybe we should talk about these rules for the game of life (henceforth abbreviated as GRGOL, because typing it out one more time might make me throw up. How does this guy have a regular column somewhere and I don’t?).

The Bible is full of contradictory information when it comes to marriage. In the book of GRGOL, Paul tells us in Corinthians to not bother getting married, and to only get married if we can’t stop ourselves from having sex (which we also shouldn’t do). On the other hand, plenty of people had multiple wives and that was considered awesome. Something GRGOL doesn’t address? What marriage actually is. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that marriage is a trip to the county courthouse, sharing your bank accounts, and dragging down your SO’s chances for credit approval with your shitty score and student debt.

But let’s say that the American idea of marriage is what GRGOL had in mind. What other evidence do we have to support the idea that marriage is the best?

– In marriages, male-female ratios of violence are roughly equal – with women and men just as likely to initiate violence against their spouses. However, in cohabiting relationships, men are far more likely to initiate violence.

Is your man beating you? Get engaged, it’ll end as soon as you’re legal! Though…maybe that’s not really what’s going on. Turns out, married immigrant women are about 10% more likely to report being abused than unmarried immigrant women living with a partner. Also turns out, women who are married generally don’t like to report their husband as an abuser.  But hey. You want to pretend that marriage stop violence, let’s take a look at the DOJ’s Intimate Partner Violence study:

Screen Shot 2015-01-05 at 10.50.21 PM

Looks like the safest thing you can do is get married and not have kids, since bearing kids is obviously what makes women become victims of violence.

– Married people typically earn more and save more than their unmarried counterparts – whether cohabiting or single.
– The poverty rate for children living in married households is 6%. It is 31% for children living with a cohabiting father and mother.

Lots of studies have been done to figure out why unmarried people make more than married people. Some theorize that those who are married are looked at by their employer as more responsible, and given raises or promotions that are influenced by that (think: you’re a prick boss that only believes in your version of GRGOL. John is married with kids, Greg lives with his whore girlfriend in sin. Who do you layoff first?). Another idea is that just like more attractive people are better off in the work place, they are also more likely to find a partner. Or, if you come from money and are set up to be in a higher income bracket yourself, your family might be more traditional. Or…tax deductions (because if getting married to end abuse isn’t enough, tax deductions should be). But in the vein of the second point up there, if you’re in a lower income bracket…it often makes sense to not get married as your combined income may cause you to lose benefits. That doesn’t mean that you’re poor because you’re unmarried; it means you’re unmarried because you’re poor. I’m presumably in the minority of people who are looking to permanently cohabit without getting married, but this guy is pretending there is some magic going on. Living together in sin? $12k a year for you! Signed that legal document? Bam!! $65k!

– A married man will spend about eight more hours a week doing household chores than his shacking-up peer.

Assuming that is even true outside of the one study he referenced/that I could find, you’d think it’d be true all of the time. Because marriage = man cleaning, nothing else should matter. Except this study, covering 5 European countries, which found “that cohabiting couples have a more egalitarian division of labour but that there are important country differences.” Maybe there are other things at play here than marriage?

I hate to write about a guy writing about a book I haven’t read, but over and over it’s clearly the same mistakes: thinking marriage is the problem solver. Do you want the real solution to save family life? Find your person, move in together, get married if you want. Make sure they’re the right person, that you’re compatible in your goals and way of life (kids, no kids, city, country, whatever). Enjoy your time together, work hard to make it work, don’t cheat, don’t hit each other, and don’t give a shit who has what jewel on what finger.

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When Roommate Searching Goes Wrong

I haven’t been writing much, and that’s mostly because I’ve been busy working on the online dating book I’m trying to write.
What kind of online dating book, you ask?
The kind that talks about how terrible it can be! As an example of how creepy people can be in text messages, here are some texts from someone I met on Craigslist as a potential roommate situation.  Notice the years on the time stamps. I often forget we didn’t meet online dating — and that we never met offline at all (thank god).  This (and too many dick pics — thanks OKCupid!) is why I use Google Voice.

nope nope2nope3

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If You Don’t Teach Your Kids About Safe Sex, I Can’t Wait For You to be a Grandfather Before Your Kids Can Drive

Are you waiting until marriage to have sex? Good for you! Unless we’re close enough for you to tell me about you having sex, please don’t tell me about how you aren’t getting laid (I’m an equal opportunist kill joy). But for the love of God, do not tell me that you won’t be teaching your children about safe sex.

Shout out to one of my very astute readers for sending me this gem: I Will Not Teach My Kids About Safe Sex Because There is No Such Thing (also, you kind of suck because I have since wasted hours of my life reading this guy’s blog). The blog author, Matt Walsh, makes two key points: if you are having casual sex, you aren’t having good sex (indeed, only those who have been married for many years have good sex), and teaching your kids about condoms is like telling them to drink and drive, as long as they buckle their seatbelts. Oh. Okay. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess Matt can’t be on Facebook during bikini season.

The ‘safe sex’ model, however, tells a sterilized and paranoid story. It says, “this is something so frivolous and so joyless that you can do it with whoever, for whatever reason, even if just to alleviate boredom. By the way, though it is just a recreational activity, like Parcheesi or air hockey, it can also lead to broken hearts, chlamydia, pregnancy, and AIDS. So, in that sense, it’s a little different from a board game. Hey, let’s look at some super-magnified images of genital warts!”
Does it really, though? What shitty fucking parents have you met, Matt? I don’t know anyone who was raised this way. Do you guys?
 
Imagine the college students who have to chug 6 rum cocktails and 8 Natty Lights between them before they can anonymously copulate in someone’s dorm room.
Why do we say that these people enjoy sex? The man who makes love to his wife of 20 years enjoys sex; these people only enjoy certain physical sensations.
Oh. I forgot how often I hear about people being together for 20 years and still humping like rabbits. Isn’t that kind of not the norm? Also, what’s with the extremes here? 20 years of marriage vs. a drunken one night stand? Quite frankly, Matt, just as I’m in no position to comment on what it’s like to be married for 20 years, you clearly aren’t qualified to comment on what it’s like for people to have sex outside of marriage.
 
We tell young people to wear condoms to protect against ailments like hepatitis and AIDS. The obvious insinuation here is that there is a ‘safe’ way to fornicate with a diseased stranger.
I don’t have much to say here other than how awesome is it to refer to sex this way? Men can carry HPV even if they are virgins so I feel like this invalidates the entire argument.
 
Sex itself isn’t safe. On the other hand, committed relationships, fortified by the vows of marriage and reaffirmed daily by both spouses, are safe — and it is only in this context that the inherent vulnerability of sex can be made secure and comfortable.
I don’t plan on ever getting married, because I don’t believe in bringing the government into my relationship. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?! Does this mean I’ll never really love someone or be loved the way Matt think it’s supposed to happen? Government contract? Good to go. Loving and committed relationship? DISEASED STRANGER SLUT.
 
Throughout the first part of the article, I was clinging to the hope that this guy meant he was going to teach his children abstinence as a moral goal, but would still teach them how to use birth control. Nope – hope those little rugrats don’t end up like me, never wanting to have children, even when they are married to someone.
 
 

Now, I know you’ll tell me that we have to be realistic. Kids will have sex, so shouldn’t we at least make sure they’re prepared for it?
To answer that question I have a few of my own:
You don’t want your kid to drink and drive, but if he did, you’d prefer he wear a seatbelt, right? Well, would you ever say to him: “junior, I know you’re going to drink and drive. You shouldn’t, but everyone does. So just wear your seatbelt”?

Say what? I’d say it’s actually more like telling your child you don’t want them to drink, but a lot of kids do drink. So if they decide to have alcohol in high school (despite you teaching them about the dangers of alcoholism and binge drinking, legal consequences, etc.), under no circumstances should they drink and drive. It’s dangerous, it’s unforgivable. It can result in loss of life for multiple people, it can result in severe property damage, etc.
If you have sex – despite the physical and emotional dangers I have taught you, children – you need to wear a condom. I don’t know what the sexual equivalent of drinking and driving is for parents talking to teenagers. Maybe bukaki?

Oh wait! A direct contradiction!

And abstinence before marriage has a better way to deal with the bad things — it tells you about gonorrhea and herpes and out-of-wedlock pregnancy, but it assures you that you don’t need to live in fear of these things if you simply wait for the right time.

Oh. So you will tell them these things can happen, but you won’t tell them how to prevent them? And any unwanted fetus that I find inside me (ring or not), has gotta go. I guess these kids will have to get married and procreate IMMEDIATELY. Shit like this is how kids develop the idea that putting Sprite in your vagina works as birth control.

I’m not a psychologist, but if you spend so much time telling your children to define their self worth and identity on the state of sticking things up their hoohah, what do you tell you tell them if they’re date raped or when lose their identity when they’re married or if they just “mess up” and have sex? If I was from a family that felt so strongly about abstinence that my dad was writing blog posts about my chastity, I’d probably run away if I had sex and got knocked up.

And odds are pretty fucking good these kids are gonna be having some babies (what’s up, Bristol Palin). Abstinence only education consistently fails. And coming from a religious stand point, the Bible says we shouldn’t have sex AT ALL but if we do we ought to be married. And do you know why, Matt? Paul says that we should be married because we’re gonna bang anyway, so we might as well be married. 

I leave you all with 1 Corinthians 7:1-9. Kinda cheapens the “don’t say they’re gonna do it anyway!” argument.

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time,so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satanwill not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

 

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Unpopular Opinion: I Don’t Have Anything Valid to Say and I Feel Bad for People Who Read My Writing

Ever read something that just made you want to punch yourself in the face so you wouldn’t have to look at it anymore? Because I have. Today (and many, many times before). My friend pointed me in the direction of an xoJane article by one Jessica Slizewski that I couldn’t even comment on because the comments were disabled. Instead, here’s my frustration for you to enjoy.

UNPOPULAR OPINION: I DON’T HAVE STUDENT LOANS AND I DON’T FEEL BAD FOR PEOPLE WHO DO
A better title?
UNPOPULAR OPINION: I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING VALID TO SAY AND I FEEL BAD FOR PEOPLE WHO READ MY WRITING

Jessica Slizewski is clearly a miserable and insufferable person to be around. She starts off the article telling us how she isn’t privileged or part of the 1%, but she managed to graduate without debt — and she’s here to be the condescending voice of reason about why we could have been just like her! Thank God.

Yet somehow, by what most of my friends think was the wave of some fairy godmother’s wand, I graduated college without student loans.

Oh, really? I wonder how. Please tell us!

And while some people say these 18-year-old kids don’t know what they’re getting themselves into, let’s not pretend we don’t know better.

Well actually, Jessica, didn’t your fancy college education teach you that your frontal lobe isn’t fully developed until you’re 25? So if you have a lot of outside pressure from respected adults telling you what to do, aren’t you more likely to do what they suggest? You know instead of using your not yet completely formed frontal lobe to draw an understanding of massive debt?

I worked hard to avoid taking out loans.

What did you do? Did you wait tables? Take the train to New York to strip every weekend? Work as a roofer? Tell us!!!

My wonderful parents and grandmother helped me pay for my education

SHUT THE FUCK UP. You poor, poor baby!! You had to have family that could help you pay for your education? That sounds so difficult. Life must be so fucking rough.

Unlike the majority of my friends who went to schools less than an hour from their parents’ homes and chose to live on campus rather than commute, my college roommates were named Mom and Dad.

Well, I was fucked. My parents wouldn’t let me live with them (for the better) and my dad didn’t have a job. And my grandparents are dead. WHERE DID I GO WRONG?! Did I not have enough seances asking for money?! If only I could work as hard as you did, Jessica, so that my parents and grandparents could have had more money and/or not be dead. Do you have any advice on that??

Imagine the stereotypical American college experience. You pick some private university in the middle of a cornfield with a tuition price of about $36,000 a year, plus room and board, party it up every night since you’ve finally escaped the teenage hellhole known as your family’s home, and stumble into your Symbolism in Harry Potter seminar at 11 a.m. still half-drunk and probably reeking of Icehouse.

Is that what’s going on in college these days?! Harry Potter classes?? What’s Icehouse?? I DON’T EVEN KNOW I DID COLLEGE WRONG STUDYING ARABIC RUINS ALL THE FUN. I think the problem here is less about student loans and more about stupid choices in classes. Like, Sallie Mae doesn’t audit your course schedule.

You join a sorority, get vomit in your hair more times than you’re willing to admit publicly, and spend half the day on whatever flavor-of-the-week social media site the guy you currently like is active on.

Okay. I don’t understand what loans have to do with anything here other than sorority dues. Also, what the fuck is “whatever flavor-of-the-week social media site”? Do you not understand that most forms of SM have been around for a long time? Did your parents ban Facebook and Twitter so you think they’re new? Idiot.

You might have even been able to — gasp — live with your parents.

But I wasn’t. Sooo…now what?

You thought your college roommates were weird? Try living with a mother who has a disturbing penchant for singing Chris Brown and LMFAO songs and accidentally throws a Sharpie in the dryer with your load of freshly washed (and now ruined) clothes.
 Tehe! Your family gets along it’s so cute omg hehe!
Um, guess fucking what. My family is like a nightmare disaster when we all live together. If only it was fun and games (disclaimer: I get along fabulously with my entire family when I don’t live with them). Try being 21 and grounded from your own laptop. That’d be more accurate.
Remember that friend you had who went through a different boyfriend each week? This habit of constantly picking up something new applies to my father, but in the form of hobbies, not college-aged jocks
OMG. I’m having a realization. You’re such a condescending bitch that you don’t actually have friends other than your parents. What, did not taking out loans keep you from having friends? No, your shitty personality did that.
You may find it’s uncomfortable to invite friends over when they’re home on college breaks as your brother, in an effort to show off his muscles, is in a near-constant state of undress, prompting your father to create a rule that forbids shirtlessness in the kitchen.
More proof you don’t actually have friends. They were all home and in the same situation as you. They just didn’t like you enough to invite you over.
And for the ladies with loans: Do you wish you’d done anything differently during your college years to limit your debt?
Yeah. I’m not an elitist cunt like you are, so I just wish I hadn’t gone to college at all.
I spent the four years of my life designed for partying essentially reliving my high school years. And yes, it was awful.
I’m sorry you’re so bitter. Maybe now you can start throwing up in your hair and getting on social media flavor of the week sites or what the fuck ever.

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