Category Archives: Women

50 Shades Shittier

I promised a round two of why I hate 50 Shades, so here we go. After I wrote about the books last month, I had a bunch of people explain to me how it isn’t abuse and Christian becomes an amazing guy in the end. Thankfully, I actually read the last book instead of listening to the Champions of Grey; no, no he does not stop being a terrible piece of shit. One passage stands out to me more than any other, and I’ll get to it in a moment. 

First, has anyone else ever listen to a friend bitch about a guy and not know what to tactfully say in response? You know, a nice way to say things like he doesn’t call you because he isn’t interested? Or it probably isn’t that he hates relationships, he just hates the idea of one with you, and nagging won’t change that? Or his decision to fight with you whenever you go out without him is a controlling and damaging tactic, and not something you should just get over? Because I find so many women (and I’ve been guilty of this, too!) brush off these actions by making excuses — he’s mysterious, he’s a bad boy, he needs changing, he’s just like Christian Grey, whatever. For people who felt the need to school me on my stance, that right there is the problem. 50 Shades encourage the idea that asshole men can be changed, that manipulative behavior is endearing, and that it’s fine to emotionally manipulate women into being in relationships they repeatedly say they aren’t comfortable with. If someone is doing these things to you, reading it depicted as great and romantic can make you feel like you’re overreacting.

My worst nightmare is being forced to have a child. In order to help avoid that, I do things like not date men who want children. Apparently it’s Christian’s nightmare, too — except he doesn’t run for the hills when Ana expresses her desire to have children. In one of the scenes I personally found most uncomfortable, Christian forces hormonal birth control on her — motherfucker, how about you get snipped if you never want kids? When Ana, who is depicted as being the dumbest person alive (despite her college degree), inevitably forgets her demanded Depo appointments, she gets knocked up. Over and over she worries about how angry Christian will be. When she tells him…well, there’s nothing I can do but show you. Keep in mind they are married and her father just almost died.

“Christ, Ana!” He bangs his fist on the table, making me jump, and stands so abruptly he almost knocks the dining chair over. “You have one thing, one thing to remember. Shit! I don’t fucking believe it. How could you be so stupid?”
Stupid! I gasp. Shit. I want to tell him that the shot was ineffective, but words fail me. I gaze down at my fingers. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “Sorry? Fuck!” he says again.
“I know the timing’s not very good.”
“Not very good!” he shouts. “We’ve known each other five fucking minutes. I wanted to show you the fucking world and now … Fuck. Diapers and vomit and shit!” He closes his eyes. I think he’s trying to contain his temper and losing the battle. “Did you forget? Tell me. Or did you do this on purpose ?” His eyes blaze and anger emanates off him like a force field.
“No,” I whisper. I can’t tell him about Hannah— he’d fire her.
“I thought we’d agreed on this!” he shouts.
“I know. We had. I’m sorry.”
He ignores me. “This is why. This is why I like control. So shit like this doesn’t come along and fuck everything up.”
No … Little Blip. “Christian, please don’t shout at me.” Tears start to slip down my face. “Don’t start with waterworks now,” he snaps. “Fuck.”

God, I’m so glad that Christian is reformed. Maybe people get that impression because we learn that Christian is into BDSM because his mother was a crackhead. I can’t even.

Out of some sick curiosity, I tried to watch the movie…but it wasn’t available on Time for Popcorn, so never mind.

50 Shades of Shit, Part One: Ana Wrecks Your Life

I know I’m late to the party, but I’ve decided I can’t not write about 50 Shades of Grey. I feel like everything that needs to be said has been discussed, yet this book is now a record setting film. So I guess I’m wrong, which is unfortunate since this is one of the few books I’ve read that causes me to hate every single character and the author. If you haven’t read the books, here’s a very brief rundown: Shy, virginal Ana meets hunky BDSM-loving billionaire Christian Grey. He takes her V-card, shows her his torture chamber of love, beats her, gets dumped, gets back together, wacky hi jinx ensue. They get married and go on a miserable sounding honeymoon where he leaves bruises over her body because she was topless tanning in the south of France.  Meanwhile, he used to be raped by his mom’s friend and now owns a hair salon with her, his old Sub tries to kill Ana, and Christian’s brother dates Ana’s best friend, Kate. Sound stupid? Yes, because it is. There is no real plot.

Actual book quote: "Oh my. My whole body tightens at the thought. Piano. Wow."

Actual book quote: “Oh my. My whole body tightens at the thought. Piano. Wow.”

There are many problems with the 50 Shades series: shitty writing, an abusive hero (Christian Grey), a heroine (Ana Steele Grey) that seems like a huge bitch, characters named after eating disorders, closeted racism and homophobia, and not so closeted classism. I’m going to focus on the abuse. Let’s go ahead and get this out of the way: my argument is not that consensual BDSM is abusive. My argument is that Christian Grey is a temperamental, emotional, and manipulative asshole with a violent past. You can draw your own conclusions as to whether or not the virginal Ana is able to make a free of mind choice to participate in something she repeatedly says she doesn’t like.


Ana wrecks your life!

I feel like most people know a guy that’s like Christian Grey. You can sometimes identify a Christian by the crying girl that is often with him — the girl you probably call crazy, the one who seems to not have any friends (since she isn’t allowed).  Guys like Christian do their damnedest to be the best and worst thing to ever happen to a girl, creating an emotional roller coaster (if roller coasters are portals to hell). Throughout all 3 books, Christian repeatedly pushes Ana to her limits, then gives her a peek of the “nice guy” within, or his tortured soul, making her feel like she’s responsible for his outbursts. Over and over she expresses sentiments like, “I didn’t ask him to come get me. Somehow I’ve been made to feel the villain in this piece,” and “Why am I feeling guilty? Why is he so mad?” If you often find yourself wondering these things in your relationship, please seek help. You might feel crazy, but you aren’t — he is.

Ah, not creepy at all

Ah, not creepy at all

Not only does Christian fuck with Ana’s mind and make her feel responsible for anything in the world  that could irritate Christian, he also makes sure to drive giant wedges between her and her friends and family. She’s not allowed to be around boys, because obviously she cannot be trusted. Her best friend, Kate,  is a bad influence because she has the audacity to question Christian’s intentions (even though in the first book, almost every time Kate sees Ana after Ana has been around Christian, she is crying). When Ana doesn’t want Christian to come to her graduation, he shows up and meets her stepdad. And, most disturbingly (to me), when Ana tells Christian she needs some space and flies to Georgia to visit her mother…Christian flies out and stays at the same hotel and gives her exactly zero space or time to spend alone with her mother. In the second book, Christian flies back from halfway around the world because Ana and her best female friend go out for a drink together and he forbid her from leaving the house. By book three (the book the champions of the series claim show Ana as “taking the power back”), Christian is selecting Ana’s friends (spoiler alert: no boys) by surprising her with group vacations and picking the guest list himself. Hey, guess what! If you have a friend you used to be close with, but now she dates this guy and she cries a lot and never hangs out with you because of him, she’s probably in an abusive relationship.

This is going on longer than I thought, so I’m going to break it up into parts. Maybe for Part 2 I can include a mix of quotes from serial killers  and Christian Grey, and we can play a game where you guess who said what!

Let me know if you saw the movie and if you think I should see it too! Also, please check out my Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. You can subscribe to my blog here

The Case for Banning Yoga Pants

Hi friends! I think I’ve been doing something terribly wrong, and I wanted to reach out and see if you could help me. Here is how my days usually go: when I decide I’m done with pajamas, I either lazily put on leggings (because it’s a day of working out or not giving a fuck how I look) or I shave my legs, blow dry my hair, do my make up, and put on something cute (like a body con dress or a short flare skirt, because I like to look as trampy as possible and I hate all “real” pants).

But apparently, my lazy as fuck, figure skating, crossfitting, errand running outfit is about the sluttiest outfit I could wear (except my birthday suit. Ew. Women’s bodies are icky).  I actually have everything backwards — I need to rock a nice Herve Leger to the gym and grocery store, and save the leggings for when I’m trying to seduce men at the bar or on a date.

Casual outfit for grabbing some groceries

Casual outfit for grabbing some groceries

I mean, what else would be the reason for Montana wanting to make leggings illegal?!  Not because the Representative Moore is a crazy asshole who wants to boss everyone around like tyrannical dictator!

In Soviet Russia, legging wear you. Also, look at the Olympic medal winning legging-slut.

Look at the Olympic medal winning legging wearing slut. Doesn’t she know children are watching?!

Walt Hill, who helped draft the bill, says “I want Montana to be known as a decent state where people can live within the security of laws and protect their children and associates from degrading and indecent practices.” Me, too!! Degrading and indecent practices of the government not making me get dolled up to go to the fucking grocery store.

Standard club attire in Montana

Standard club attire in Montana

So is everyone else using leggings as a way to seduce men and ruin children? Why am I always the last to know what’s going on? Can I run a black market legging shop if this goes through? And more importantly, can someone make a Butte, Montana pun out of this?

Drive a Camel, Evade a Rapist. Drive a Car, Rape Free For All.

Hello, ladies. Do you drive? Well, you better trade that Buick in for a camel!! According to Saudi historian Saleh al-Saadoon, while women used to ride camels, women can’t drive cars because the cars break down and then the women are raped. If you live outside of Saudi Arabia, you don’t care about being raped — the only thing that getting raped does to you is bring down your morale a bit. You know, like when you expect it to be sunny and it rains? Or when you want that special edition Red Bull in the yellow can, but 7-11 only has the regular kind? And your day just kind of sucks for a little bit.

Are you confused? Don’t worry, he goes on to tell us to listen to him “and get used to what society thinks, if [you] are really so out of touch with it.”

“But Manda,” you say, “what if the women are raped by the men who drive them around?!” Maybe you haven’t been paying attention, but obviously there is a solution for this: importing women drivers. “But wouldn’t this be a rapist’s dream?! Two women stuck in a broken down car, AKA a rape machine on useless wheels?!” Look, shut up — their rapists probably don’t do that. Also, sign me up. Sounds like a dream job.

This sums it up

This sums it up

“Marriage: The Best Way to Solve Your Relationship Problems” – GOD, According to Columnist Mike Adams

Do you want to save yourself from being beaten by your boyfriend? Do you want to increase your chances of being beaten by your girlfriend? Just get married! At least, that’s what I learned today from the Town Hall article, The Ring Makes All the Difference by one Mike Adams. 

I know I’m just a radical feminist who wants to destroy the idea of marriage and family (because God definitely thinks it is important you register your commitment with the state, y’all!), so my opinion probably doesn’t matter…but what a bunch of idiotic bullshit. Adams doesn’t really making any of his own points (outside of labeling feminists as life destroyers), but highlights some of his favorite facts from a book called (wait for it!) The Ring Makes All the Difference: The Hidden Consequences of Cohabitation and the Strong Benefits of Marriage.

Obviously, there is a lot of wrong going on here, but I’d like to start with the very last paragraph: “God is the author of the rules of the game of life. He is also the creator of science. When properly applied, His methods always reveal the truth.” I don’t really know what that has to do with anything, other than maybe saying if bitches get beat by their live in man sinner sluts, it’s because they didn’t listen to God’s rules of the game of life. But maybe we should talk about these rules for the game of life (henceforth abbreviated as GRGOL, because typing it out one more time might make me throw up. How does this guy have a regular column somewhere and I don’t?).

The Bible is full of contradictory information when it comes to marriage. In the book of GRGOL, Paul tells us in Corinthians to not bother getting married, and to only get married if we can’t stop ourselves from having sex (which we also shouldn’t do). On the other hand, plenty of people had multiple wives and that was considered awesome. Something GRGOL doesn’t address? What marriage actually is. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that marriage is a trip to the county courthouse, sharing your bank accounts, and dragging down your SO’s chances for credit approval with your shitty score and student debt.

But let’s say that the American idea of marriage is what GRGOL had in mind. What other evidence do we have to support the idea that marriage is the best?

– In marriages, male-female ratios of violence are roughly equal – with women and men just as likely to initiate violence against their spouses. However, in cohabiting relationships, men are far more likely to initiate violence.

Is your man beating you? Get engaged, it’ll end as soon as you’re legal! Though…maybe that’s not really what’s going on. Turns out, married immigrant women are about 10% more likely to report being abused than unmarried immigrant women living with a partner. Also turns out, women who are married generally don’t like to report their husband as an abuser.  But hey. You want to pretend that marriage stop violence, let’s take a look at the DOJ’s Intimate Partner Violence study:

Screen Shot 2015-01-05 at 10.50.21 PM

Looks like the safest thing you can do is get married and not have kids, since bearing kids is obviously what makes women become victims of violence.

– Married people typically earn more and save more than their unmarried counterparts – whether cohabiting or single.
– The poverty rate for children living in married households is 6%. It is 31% for children living with a cohabiting father and mother.

Lots of studies have been done to figure out why unmarried people make more than married people. Some theorize that those who are married are looked at by their employer as more responsible, and given raises or promotions that are influenced by that (think: you’re a prick boss that only believes in your version of GRGOL. John is married with kids, Greg lives with his whore girlfriend in sin. Who do you layoff first?). Another idea is that just like more attractive people are better off in the work place, they are also more likely to find a partner. Or, if you come from money and are set up to be in a higher income bracket yourself, your family might be more traditional. Or…tax deductions (because if getting married to end abuse isn’t enough, tax deductions should be). But in the vein of the second point up there, if you’re in a lower income bracket…it often makes sense to not get married as your combined income may cause you to lose benefits. That doesn’t mean that you’re poor because you’re unmarried; it means you’re unmarried because you’re poor. I’m presumably in the minority of people who are looking to permanently cohabit without getting married, but this guy is pretending there is some magic going on. Living together in sin? $12k a year for you! Signed that legal document? Bam!! $65k!

– A married man will spend about eight more hours a week doing household chores than his shacking-up peer.

Assuming that is even true outside of the one study he referenced/that I could find, you’d think it’d be true all of the time. Because marriage = man cleaning, nothing else should matter. Except this study, covering 5 European countries, which found “that cohabiting couples have a more egalitarian division of labour but that there are important country differences.” Maybe there are other things at play here than marriage?

I hate to write about a guy writing about a book I haven’t read, but over and over it’s clearly the same mistakes: thinking marriage is the problem solver. Do you want the real solution to save family life? Find your person, move in together, get married if you want. Make sure they’re the right person, that you’re compatible in your goals and way of life (kids, no kids, city, country, whatever). Enjoy your time together, work hard to make it work, don’t cheat, don’t hit each other, and don’t give a shit who has what jewel on what finger.

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No, I Really Don’t Want Kids — I Think I Would Know

There has never been a day in my life when I thought I would want children.  My entire life, the thought of pregnancy has repelled me. It’s like I’m missing something in my genetic composition that makes other women go, “Yes, it would be beautiful to push a human out of my vagina.” I don’t associate love or a relationship with procreation; I simply don’t associate procreating with my life. My impression from many people  I know who do want children is that they thought about growing up and saw their future with their spouse and their kids and their white picket fence. Throw in an office job, and that is exactly what I would see if I sat down and imagined my hell.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to not be offended by people’s reactions to hearing I want to remain childfree, but over time I’ve come to realize I have a right to be offended. Lots of people tell me that it isn’t normal, and that doesn’t really offend me. “How can you know?” doesn’t even bother me too much — I imagine if I talked to someone who was completely asexual or something else I couldn’t personally imagine, I might be curious. But here’s the problem.

Do you know how people find out I don’t want kids? 99% of the time, it’s because they make an assumption. They tell me about what I’ll learn when I have kids, or they ask me how I’ll continue to live in Texas while my boyfriend lives in Maryland when we have all the babies, or they’ll ask how many kids I want. I always correct them. For as long as I can remember, even at the tender age of 8, I corrected them. The desire to have a child is so far removed from who I am that I reflexively correct people who assume I want one, probably the same way you would correct someone who mispronounced your name.

When I was a child myself, everyone told me I would change my mind. The joys of motherhood and biological clocks and whatever. Right now, I’m telling every single person reading this: do not do this. Even if you firmly believe the little girl looking up at you saying she doesn’t want kids can’t possibly know that, keep that opinion to yourself. By second guessing a woman’s decision to go against the grain, you’re encouraging a culture that shames her, and it’s wrong. You’re encouraging her to give in to a mate later on, one who might be compatible with her in every single way except his desire to have kids. And having kids because you love someone and you’ve been taught you have a biological clock that will kick in and make you change your mind on the issue? That’s a fucking mistake if I ever heard one.

If you’re reading this, you won’t be shocked to learn that even at the age of 26, people still question whether or not I actually know what I want. You’re likely either nodding your head in agreement or shaking it in disbelief. My parents, my sister, my best friend, my boyfriend — these are the people that know me best, and for all but one have known me for well over a decade. They don’t question me. It’s always some new acquaintance or a total stranger that feels the need to condescendingly tell me I’ll change my mind, or that they used to feel that way until they had a joyous little accident. Fuck you. You are rude as hell, and you might as well tell me to smile while you insult me.

I’ve made my stance on abortion pretty clear, I think. Lots of people are pro-choice and aren’t of the childfree mindset themselves. I’m sure that plenty of women have abortions because the timing or situation was wrong, and go on to have kids later in life. I’m sure plenty of people get pregnant and keep the child even though everything about the situation is wrong — maybe they end up happy, maybe not. For me, keeping abortion legal is so important to me because I don’t know if I would survive a pregnancy. If sketchy, unlicensed basement procedures were the only option and I was accidentally pregnant, I would take the risk. If I found out I was pregnant too late to abort, I would personally go through any means in an attempt to end the pregnancy. In general, I would not describe myself as depressed; I think I’m happy and well adjusted. If I suddenly am forced to carry a child, I very seriously recommend putting me on suicide watch.

Honestly, I wish I could explain it — the complete emptiness I feel inside imagining life as a mother. It’s similar to the way I feel imagining life with a female life partner: I cannot comprehend the appeal, I have no emotional connection to the idea, and in my mind’s eye, I become a stranger to myself. When you tell someone who feels this that they will change their minds, you’re acting like you know more about that person than you do.  You’re wrong.

I don’t care if other people have kids — my roommate has one and he’s great! I just care about myself, and my sanity. I don’t go up to women who are 6 months pregnant and ask them if they are sure they’re ready; in return, I expect that people leave me alone about my decision. If you’ve recently had a kid, don’t let your baby crazy feelings accidentally turn into condescending feelings when you talk to your friends. Just because it’s a good life decision for you, doesn’t mean it’s good for everyone.

Yes, even in this picture I knew I wasn't reproducing!

Yes, even in this picture I knew I wasn’t reproducing!

Subscribe to my blog and follow me on Facebook and Twitter for more of my thoughts on life. You might enjoy some of my other posts:
I Hate Flying so Much I Cannot Even
My Boobs Don’t Need Your Husband to See Them
Unpopular Opinion: I Don’t Have Anything Valid to Say & I Feel Bad for People Who Read my Writing

Revenge Porn: Legal. Not Returning Engagement Ring After Fiance Cheats on You: Illegal

I’m pretty libertarian, and in general I’m against making more laws and restricting freedoms — unless, of course, what you’re doing is violating someone else’s rights by posting your ex’s naked photos all over the internet. If you aren’t supporting the movement to legally punish those who distribute revenge porn, you’re a fucking asshole.

Don’t we have laws in place that keep you from using someone’s likeness or photograph for profit without compensating them for it? So if my boyfriend and I have sex on camera and he films it and sells it without telling me — at the very least, isn’t he committing some kind of crime by not giving me my due compensation?

I always have big hopes for my party, but sometimes I feel like the focus is too much on your right to do WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT. Unless you’re an anarchist, it’s important in law making to remember that there are rights you inherently have by being a person. (If you don’t believe in any government, you need to remember it’s my right to blow your goddamn brains out for sharing my titties without my permission.)

Maybe there can be a really awesome world, where when you send a sext you first demand confirmation from the receiver that they will not post it anywhere without your permission, and that they will delete it upon break up. Actually (and maybe I’m just a killjoy), wouldn’t most rational women say “promise you won’t show anyone?” or something similar? I would. Can that count?

Let’s say you and I are dating. Things are going well, and you end up doing your taxes on my computer for whatever reason. When we break up, can I send copies of your SSN to all of my friends? NO. Why the hell not?!

When an engagement is broken off, the woman has to return the engagement ring. When a relationship is broken off, the man should have to delete the goddamn picture.

If You Knock it Up, You Gotta Put a Ring On It – But Discreetly and Without Gifts (And Other Life Lessons from Sheila Kihne)

Sheila Kihne is a crazy person running for office in Minnesota. She’s got good old fashioned family values, and she wants you to know about important things — like how you’re a whore if you get pregnant without being married.

Crazy Sheila

Crazy Sheila

So let’s go through her blog a little bit. I only see entries from 2008-2009, but it’s a goldmine. First, she teaches us how to handle baby shower invitations. Isn’t it the worst thing in the world when some slut has evil premarital sex, and then gets knocked up and has a baby shower???? #FirstWorldProblems

Don’t you think that if you’re having a baby- and you’re not married- that you should forego the shower?

Of course!! Those selfish bitches, making the decision to not abort their babies and instead raise them….they shouldn’t be given any gifts!!!!! Other than maybe a pamphlet about Jesus.

I also think that if you get married- and are knocked up- you should get married quietly. At a courthouse, at a private home. There should be no 1. Dance 2. Dinner.

Yes, do the right thing. Don’t shame everyone with your big belly and public exchange of vows. What the fuck is this?? Should we instead all dress in black and follow our slutty friends to the courthouse, in mourning for the wretched world as otherwise good people succumb to the evil of sex outside of marriage?

There are more kinds of birth control available today then lipstick shades. If you don’t want to get pregnant- you don’t. This is crossing all socio-economic lines and education levels it seems to me.

Seems to me like this bitch needs to learn how to Google. I hope she doesn’t make any policy decisions based on what she feels, since births to single mothers go from 68.9% of all births to those making under $10,000, to 9% of births for those making over $200,000 a year. A similar decline in percentage happens between those who have less than a high school education down to those that have a bachelors or more. Seems to me, maybe it’s the crappy abstinence only education children are receiving. But what do I know?

She then goes on to say that it’s partly because the Boomers don’t encourage their children to put their nasty wedlock babies up for adoption. Instead, they chip in and emotionally and financially support their grandkids. Bizarrely, Kihne wraps up her thought process on the Boomers with this:

My rule is- if I don’t have to pay for your daycare, then do what you want.

What? The fuck? You obviously don’t think people should do what they want, since you are writing a blog dictating how husbandless girls should handle their baby showers. You fucking nut.

marriage is no longer seen as an institution- but an excuse to have a wedding

I’ll give you that. I don’t want to sign a paper saying, “I legally love you,” but I do want to throw one hell of a party and ceremony.

When somebody gets knocked up- without being married- you’re just supposed to hop on board. You’re not allowed to say a thing- it’s none of your business of course- but when it comes time for baby showers and weddings, rest-assured you’re going to be on the invite list.

I’d like your address, Ms. Kihne. I don’t plan on ever having a baby or ever being legally married. But if I ever get knocked up, I want to invite you to my abortion party. You might find it in better taste.

Next we learn how to save the poor. She determined that she could take the $12,000 extra she’ll have to pay in taxes, and give $3,000 to 4 families. The catch? Well, a contract with her. Because she is God.

you will submit a 1, 5, 10 and 20 year career plan- I will tell you if it’s workable- if it’s not, I’ll come up with one for you

Based on how knowledgeable she is on statistics of unmarried pregnant women, I’d assume she knows everything about it all. I also assume she knows a lot about what it’s like to be super poor and what your actual viable options are.

you will not own any of the following items (if you do, you’ll immediately sell them) an iPod, a flat screen television, video games, a computer or any designer clothing

Ah, yes. Let’s dictate what the poor are entitled to. And I hear that electronics really retain their value…you bought a $1,200 iMac 5 years ago? I bet it’s worth even more now! Good thing college kids don’t need computers, and good thing handwritten resumes are 100% acceptable! Now wear your Walmart shoes, talk on your flip phone (which you can only have if it’s cheaper than a landline), and bow down to me!

6. you will work at least 60 hours a week
7. any children 12 or over will have a job to contribute to the household income

Yes, for the low low bargain charitable donation of $3,000 you can have a child slave!!! Hell, you can have the parent work 60 hours a week cleaning your house and the child working 40!! I hear that 12 year olds are often hired for more than legal minimum wage. Oh wait, they aren’t. Maybe we could amend 7 to “sell any child under 12 to the black market.” I mean, working 60 hours a week…you’ll never see them anyway.

 you will not go out to eat for the duration of the year- nor will you see a movie or get your nails or hair done (you can do it at home)

GOOD! THERE IS NO RELAXING WHEN YOU’RE POOR. NEVER. “Daddy, I want to go see Frozen! All my friends are going!” “SHUT UP, SALLY. GET BACK TO WORK OR I’LL SELL YOU LIKE YOUR SISTER.”

12. if you live anywhere near a bus line– you will sell your car immediately

So you won’t be waiting tables, because you won’t be able to get home after work!

13. you will ensure that your children are performing well at school and work with their teachers in any possible way to make them successful- if they need tutoring- we will find the resources to do it

Unless they have to type a report. Then they’re fucked.

Seriously. What the hell.

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Incredibly Irritating Things People Are Doing to Protest Hobby Lobby

Today is an entire day brought to us by The Onion, because the things I’m reading certainly can’t be real life. I lasted a whopping 3 weeks in retail, mostly because I have very little patience for stupid bullshit. Well, thank God I don’t work at Hobby Lobby! “Why, Manda?” you ask. “Do you use one of the 4 forms of birth control their health insurance doesn’t cover?” Pfft, please. I’ve spent the past 8 years working freelance as my own LLC — I don’t even have health insurance.

So what’s the issue? Oh, just people acting like a bunch of assholes by terrorizing people who are paid between $9.50-14 an hour, which is like 1/5 of what they should be getting to deal with stupid shit like rearranging craft letters to spell out pro-choice.

hobbylobbyWhen I had to sort shirts by size, I wanted to blow my fucking brains out. I bet the employees find this really endearing.

Oh, but don’t worry – in case you think that’s just stupid, they also brought condoms to hand out. In the store. Which DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE. I might be out of the health care loop, but is there some magical PPO that gives you free condoms? Are Hobby Lobby employees banned from 7-11?? WHAT POINT ARE THESE PEOPLE EVEN TRYING TO PROVE? Do y’all know why I have this stupid stick in my arm? Partially because I don’t want kids, partially because I get blackout causing migraines if I’m not on birth control. GREAT. Once a month, I’ll just take your stupid condom and use it to help keep myself from chewing off my own tongue while I writhe around on the floor, crying over my cramps and vomiting until my migraine causes me to see nothing but black dots.

“Here, I’ve decided that because you work for Hobby Lobby and make double what the average retail employee makes, you must be really, really stupid. So I bought you these condoms. Because you’re poor. And stupid. Also since I’m not a customer and I’m just here to hand out my free stuff, I’m sure your boss doesn’t want me here. Glad I could make your job more difficult and awkward, and possibly get you in trouble. #GoWomen!”

What a bunch of condescending tools. It’s just belitting the people who work there — and making their jobs and lives more difficult. How presumptuous to walk in, just knowing everyone is so miserable to work there and can’t wait for you to show them the light. How highly you must think of yourself.

Plus, let’s be real. You’re handing out something that goes on a penis. To women. Yes, you’re really helping this whole birth control thing. I’d be WAY more impressed if people went and bought like 10 morning after pills and handed them out. Stick it to the man!

planbMaybe “protestors” could spell out “Plan B” with craft letters, and directly below it fill a clear decorative vase with marbles and one-step pills.

The comments on each article I read (mistake number one: reading news article comments) suggested more crazy, creative, awesome things to do to protest. Like buy things and return them, over and over. That way real customers will have to wait and get angry! Or ask employees where things are and take up a lot of their time; it’ll waste the owners money (paying employees to help people who aren’t making purchases) and certainly won’t annoy the piss out of low paid staff who have to be nice to you.

Hey guys, I’m really getting into the spirit of all these awesome antics. I even have a suggestion! Maybe next we can take spray paint and just draw beautiful graffiti of a uterus over the front door of every Hobby Lobby!

 

Virginia Congressional Candidate so Wealthy, He’ll Drop $100,000 to see Kendall Jones’s Boobies

I thought ridiculous displays of wealth were a serious faux pas for politicians? Well, guess not if it’s for titties! Mike Dickinson, asshat of the CENTURY, is requesting fetish stories and nudes of hunter Kendall Jones to the tune of $100,000.

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Oh my freaking God. First the Prince William police try to take pictures of a teenage boy’s penis. Now this. I am embarrassed and ashamed to have been born in Alexandria. No wonder I claim Texas and Maryland as home.

Of course he’s super defensive and a total asshole…and then in a really bizarre twist, decides to quote Eminem in his own defense?

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Well, much like Eminem…sounds like Dickinson’s brain is dead weight. Maybe he’ll be satisfied with Prince William County’s teenage dick pics instead of boobs.