Guy Secrets: “I Have an Excuse for That Bad Thing I Do!”

I have a friend named Justine who I assume hates me, because she keeps sending me these horrible Reddit posts. I guess she thinks that if she has to suffer, I do too….so like a scared teenager who watched the video in The Ring, I’m passing the horrors on to you! Blame Justine.

Over on r/AskReddit, someone asked, “what are some ‘guy secrets’ girls don’t know about?” They’re basically all along the lines of “here is my excuse for that shitty thing I do!” but here are some of my favorites!

1. I am lazy

Does this man think that women never get anything on the toilet seat? Like, I am sure that I am not the only woman to ever get a little bit of blood on a toilet seat — and then, because I’m not a foul monster, I clean up my mess immediately. No one fucking cares about your aim being on purpose or not — if we know you pissed on the toilet seat, it’s because you purposefully didn’t clean up after yourself.

Continue reading Guy Secrets: “I Have an Excuse for That Bad Thing I Do!”

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Misandry: Online Dating Edition

Someone shared this article in a leftbook group I am in. It’s a quick read, so go ahead and check it out; basically, the author put in the OKCupid “you should message me if” box that men should contact her if they both a) have numerous things listed under the favorite TV shows, movies, books, etc, section and b) at least one of these works was created by a woman. Disclaimer: I take a way more hardline stance on this issue than she does.

The backlash this article received (mostly by women!) was astonishing to me. People kept commenting that so what if all their favs were dudes?! Did it matter?

Yes. Yes, it does.

Look, it’s 2018. Women are still struggling to be treated as equals in the entertainment business, but we aren’t at ground zero. We make up a small portion of the entertainment world, but we have had influence. You can’t find a movie, book, or show written by a woman? You can’t find anything directed by a woman? Really? What about…Harry Potter, Beyonce, Lady Gaga, The Mindy Project, Cardi B, Fiona Apple, The New Jim Crow, 30 Rock, My Crazy Ex Girlfriend, Persepolis, Wonder Woman (a movie so fucking significant that the woman lead and the woman director were able to get a famous producer removed from the sequel), Thirteen, Handmaid’s Tale, Blame, The Hunger Games, The Girl on the Train, Divergent, What Happened, Unbelievable, Garbage, Amy Winehouse, Ariana Grande, White Trash, the third season of Rick and Morty — none of this interests you? NOT EVEN MEAN GIRLS??? Welp. Okay.

Continue reading Misandry: Online Dating Edition

Dear Men: Take Your Drink and Go Away. Sincerely, Service Workers Everywhere

Last week, Emelia Holden’s takedown of a customer who grabbed her ass while she was working in a restaurant went viral. Good. Maybe a couple of dudes will learn something from it — I know that I’m tired of men bothering me at work, and the reactions I’ve seen to Holden have been overwhelmingly positive.

The thing is, a lot of men cross a line with me when I’m at work. And if you’re a woman in the service industry, I’m sure it happens to you, too. When the Brock Turner case first hit the news, plenty of men were pissed (and rightly so!). Raping a passed out woman behind a dumpster is objectively wrong. It’s something that most men would never do. But pointing out that the Brock Turner case isn’t the standard of what’s right and wrong sure does upset some men.

Continue reading Dear Men: Take Your Drink and Go Away. Sincerely, Service Workers Everywhere

Why Can’t Major League Baseball Make Decent Fan Apparel for Women?

Over the years I have amassed a collection of about 30 Orioles t-shirts. Roughly three of them were designed for women. This begs the question: why the fuck is it so hard for apparel companies to create decent MLB clothing for women who like baseball?

Look, I understand that Majestic sucks for everyone, but the other brands who are licensed could at least try. For years I have been buying $5 and $10 t-shirts outside of Camden Yards on game days, because if I’m going to be in a low quality, ill fitting shirt, I’d rather spend $5 on it and not $30. But I would cheerfully shell out whatever on a decent women’s tank top.

Continue reading Why Can’t Major League Baseball Make Decent Fan Apparel for Women?

“Are My Cramps God’s Way of Punishing Me For Not Procreating?” and Other Questions for Mike Pence

I originally wrote this last year before the election, but never published it. I thought it might still be relevant now. 

“I am a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican,” Mike Pence announced last July at the RNC. Funny — at the time, I thought he was also the de facto OBGYN for every single woman in Indiana. Maybe he was just trying to not brag about his qualifications? Maybe he was hoping we’d forget?

And forget we did. In all the talk about Trump, Sessions, Flynn, Spicer, and the rest of the merry band of idiots in the administration, it seems Forgettable Pence remains, well, forgettable.

Mike Pence has been a bane of my existence ever since he signed HB 1337, which would have made Indiana home to the most restrictive abortion laws on the books if a judge hadn’t struck it down. When Trump picked Pence for his running mate, I was not one of the many asking “Who is Mike Pence?” And as people have called for the impeachment of Trump, I have been the one saying, “but only if it’s a two for one!” But that doesn’t mean I don’t have plenty of questions for Mike Pence. Because oh Lord, do I ever.

Continue reading “Are My Cramps God’s Way of Punishing Me For Not Procreating?” and Other Questions for Mike Pence

You Love Your Curvy Wife? Well, I Love My Small Dick Husband

I love this man and his small penis. As a young woman, I was often mocked by my friends for my attraction to guys who weren’t well endowed, ones who bought big lifted trucks and worked out all the time. Ones the average (basic) bitch might refer to as “overcompensating.” Then, as I became a woman and started to educate myself in biology and how the media marginalizes small penis men by portraying a very narrow and specific view of penis standards (thick, tall, straight), I realized how many women have bought into that lie. For me there is nothing sexier than my man: small dick, big truck, and occasional steroid user. His shape won’t be featured on YouPorn (or maybe it will!), but it’s the one featured in my life. There’s nothing sexier to me than a man who knows his shortcoming. This sexy man I married doesn’t really fill every inch of his jeans, but he does fill every inch of my heart. Women, rethink what society has told you that you should desire. A real man is not a porn star! Boys, don’t think you have to fully fill a certain mold to be desired or loved. There is a woman out there who will love you for who you are, exactly as I love my man; a man who is okay with me backhandedly complimenting him on the internet.

To Women Crying About Swimsuit Bottoms: Shut Up

It’s starting to get warm outside, which means it’s the time of the year where women feel like they should police each other’s fashion choices. 2017 is kicking off with the words of one Kayla Ratajczak, who managed the get The Odyssey to publish her drivel: “To Girls Wearing ‘Cheeky’ Swimsuit Bottoms, Please Stop.”

I’m going to give Kayla the benefit of the doubt and assume (hope?) that she didn’t pick the article title — condescendingly referring to the women you’re sexualizing as “girls” seems in particularly poor taste. But she did write the article, so even though the title basically covers the entire post…let’s dive right in.

As spring is starting to finally show its face after a long harsh winter, many women are becoming excited about all of the new spring fashion lines that are being released full of bright colors and fun pieces.

Can I just say — and I’m sorry, maybe this is because I’m a salty writer without a publisher — this already sounds a piece that was commissioned  for $1 per 1,000 words on Freelancer.com? Or possibly something a robot wrote.

However, upon the release of the new swimsuit line, I believe many women, including myself, are less than thrilled.

The new swimsuit line???? Whose new swimsuit line?? IS THERE ONLY  ONE SWIMSUIT PRODUCING COMPANY FOR ALL WOMEN THIS YEAR?! So much for making America great again.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about, check it out. Just type “Bathing Suit Trends for 2017” into your Google search bar and “Cheeky” bikini bottoms will more than likely be at the top of your list.

“I am writing an article about something, but you’ll have to Google it to figure out what I’m talking about.” I also really love the directions on how to Google. I guess most people who will agree with this article are about 90, so maybe they will need the instructions.

Coming from a female who cares about her body and self-image, this not only makes me angry but disappointed in the lack of value that women still have today.

Oh. I’m sorry I was mean earlier. I liked it better when you were telling me to Google things instead of sharing your shitty opinions. Well, it sure is unfortunate that there is only THE SINGULAR SWIMSUIT LINE. Coming from a female (why the choice of “female” over “woman”?) who cares about her body and SELF-image, what other people wear doesn’t fucking impact my life at all.

First off, why should it be socially acceptable to wear basically a thong around in public in the summer months?

Kayla, how about we double down on this: ISN’T A SWIMSUIT JUST BASICALLY PANTIES AND A BRA?! WHY HAVE WOMEN EVER BEEN ALLOWED TO WEAR THIS TRASH?! AREN’T A BRA AND PANTIES BASICALLY BEING NAKED?! ISN’T BEING NAKED BASICALLY SLUTTY SEX?! Let’s get rid of pools and beaches completely!

Have bathing suit companies forgotten that often times, women are around young children and family members when sporting a bathing suit?

I fucking hate when there is one trend and I am FORCED TO WEAR IT. Like, I hate jeans. I think people who say jeans are comfortable are liars. Yet Big Fashion constantly forces me to wear jeans! Oh. Wait. Also, I personally wear different dresses around my family than I do when I’m going to the club. It doesn’t mean that all dresses need to be appropriate for dinner with my dad. And stop thinking “young children” care about your ass.

More importantly, what does it teach the younger generation who see women wearing these types of bathing suits? It surely doesn’t teach them about having self-respect or dignity in themselves.

I mean, not if you’re around to poison their minds with your backwards shaming views. But yeah, it does teach the younger generation that dressing how you want is okay and nothing to be ashamed of.

Now, I understand people are going to disagree with me saying things such as “Women should be free to wear whatever they want, men exercise that right, why shouldn’t we?” or “If you’re confident in it, rock it.” Which if you’re one of these people, I understand where you are coming from, BUT do you often see men roaming around in a speedo to attract attention?

This is a really good point. As a woman, literally everything I do is to attract attention. I can’t help it. It’s in my DNA.

Therefore, why do women feel the need to succumb to showing more and more skin each year to attract attention?

You just answered this question: because everything we do is for attention, duh.

Also, I’m all for the self-confidence, you should feel amazing and proud of what you wear; however, a line needs to be drawn firmly in the sand in regards to what is appropriate and what is not and “cheeky” bathing suit bottoms are not appropriate.

THANK FUCKING GOD WE HAVE YOU HERE TO MAKE THESE RULES FOR ALL OF US. What IS appropriate?! I need to know, Kayla. You never tell us. How can I dress myself without your guidance?!

I mean think of yourself as a parent,

Vomit.

would you want to see your daughter flaunting “her stuff” in a bathing suit that barely covers anything while boys flock to her every side? I think not.

How many sides does my daughter have?! I don’t think it’s the swimsuit that’s causing the flocking here. Can I sell her cubed torso to science?

Although I know many women this summer will not be listening to my advice, however, for those of you who do, thank you for showing respect to your bodies as well as yourselves.

But you didn’t really give any advice. I DON’T KNOW WHAT KIND OF SWIMSUIT I CAN WEAR. PLEASE HELP.

Our world needs more women like you to prove that we are characters of substance and value, not just itemized beauty to gawk at.

Our world needs more women who aren’t judgmental pieces of shit to prove that we (all women?!) are characters of substance and value, not just items for you to direct your bizarre anger from your internalized misogyny.

As for me, you’ll find me this summer laying on a beach with a bathing suit that fully covers my behind.

Bitch, thanks to this post you’ll find me this summer laying on a beach, face down, with an actual Victoria’s Secret lace thong on.

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