Category Archives: Uncategorized

In Defense of “Trump’s ‘Purple’ Family Values”

Over the weekend, the New York Times published an op-ed piece by Matthew Schmitz titled “Trump’s ‘Purple’ Family Values.” Let me save you the click: basically, Schmitz argues that working class people see Trump as a good family values guy, because traditionally those people come from fucked up families.

Yup. That’s the whole point. And it sounds legit to me! So I have decided to admit defeat. Surely, the man who has recently tweeted “we can and we must overturn Roe” is a man whose opinions I trust greatly when it comes to not letting his fiery desire to control women blind him to how shitty Trump is. So yes, I believe the right is correct: Trump loves families. And stuff. I’ve compiled some evidence for this

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I’m convinced. Trump loves families! Especially ones with sick mom and daughters who can’t access healthcare, and super especially the not white families.

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ICE: An Infestation of Feckless Abusers

“The vast majority, vast, vast majority of children who are in the care of H.H.S. right now — 10,000 of the 12,000 — were sent here alone by their parents. That is when they were separated….10,000 of those currently in custody were sent by their parents with strangers to undertake a completely dangerous and deadly travel alone. We now care for them. We have high standards. We give them meals, we give them education, we give them medical care. There is videos, there is TVs, I visited the detention centers myself.”
– Homeland Security Secretary Kirstjen Nielsen
6/18/18 White House Press Conference


To hear the Trump administration explain things, it sounds like there are 10,000 reckless parents who selfishly pawned their children off on others in an attempt to get them to America. The other option, of course, is that there is an “infestation” of young MS-13 members who have mobilized themselves and planned to infiltrate our borders by pretending to be crying 2 year olds. We are heroes for tolerating this invasion of baby gangbangers — we even give them TVs! Who cares about their shitty parents, the ones who needlessly decided to endanger the lives of their own children? These children should be grateful to live in our mesh prisons.

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From UNHCR’s Children on the Run

In reality, the bulk of the 12,000 children who are now living in America’s camps likely went to hell and back before they ever started their journeys to the US.

Guatemala, Honduras, and El Salvador form one of the most violent regions in the world, known as the Northern Triangle. In 2015 alone, this region accounted for 110,000 asylum seekers — and a good deal of them were unaccompanied minors. Even before 2015, the number of children fleeing their home countries in the triangle for the US increased so much each year that the UN Refugee Agency asked 404 unaccompanied children detained by US authorities to explain why they left. Their answers can largely be summed up as fear: fear of the gangs taking over their cities, fear of forced recruitment into human smuggling, fear of being killed after witnessing a crime, or fear of sexual assault. In some cases the children were victims of violent or sexual crime at the time they left; other times, they knew it was a very likely possibility and considered it safer to risk coming to America.

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From UNHCR’s Children on the Run

With over 5,000 murders in 2016, El Salvador has a murder rate of 82.84 — the highest in the world (as high as that number it is, it’s an improvement from 2015, when El Salvador’s murder rate was 105.44.). In 2014, the rate of sexual offenses against children in El Salvador was a horrifying 85.5.

The UNHCR study found that for children from El Salvador, “he children described their everyday challenges of evading extortion; witnessing murders; and navigating threats to themselves and their families, friends and neighbors. Children who had not yet been victims of violence spoke of their own fears and their families’ fear with the same inevitability. The girls shared their fears of sexual violence.”

Honduras has the second highest international murder rate, with 56.52 murders per 100,000 citizens. The rate of sexual assault against children was 66.9 in 2013. The children from Honduras reported abuse at home, deprivation, and “forty-four percent…were threatened with or were victims of violence by organized armed criminal actors.” In 2014 a Washington Post photographer documented the work of Honduran police. The pictures he took are a good indicator of the gang violence that permeate the country. 

So children are fleeing their homes, everything and everyone they know, because the risk of being murdered or raped is so high that they think the potentially deadly journey to America is a better option. And instead of embracing children who have survived horrors most of us adults will never know, we lock them up and do all the things they were afraid would happen to them in their home countries.

Ripping children from their parents isn’t the only problem with our immigration system. Abuse and mistreatment are rampant in the system. On the heels of the family separation policy, some detention centers have received national attention over the abuse migrant children have suffered by border patrol agents. But the abuse is nothing new.

In 2014, seven year old Nayely Beltran made headlines throughout Texas when it was reported she was suffering from a malignant brain tumor while living in the Karnes County Residential Center. Even though Nayely and her mother had passed the first part of the test for asylum, she was denied treatment by ICE. It wasn’t until public outcry became too great that ICE finally allowed the pair to leave the facility so Nayely could get treatment.

Nayely was lucky — it took months, but she was able to get treatment. In 2014, the Office of Inspector General and Office for Civil Rights and Civil Liberties documented the abuses unaccompanied minors faced: “One quarter of the children reported physical abuse, including sexual assault, the use of stress positions, and beatings by Border Patrol agents. More than half reported verbal abuse, including death threats. More than half also reported denial of necessary medical care—resulting, at times, in hospitalization. Eighty percent reported inadequate food and water.”

In 2015 CASA sent Texas Governor Greg Abbott a letter requesting that the state deny license applications for detention centers for ICE. “Since the opening of these two detention facilities, ICE has failed to ensure adequate access to and quality of care, failed to obtain informed consent to medical treatment, failed to exercise adequate oversight and accountability, and sanctioned questionable medical ethics.” The letter documented the repeated failure to provide medical care to the migrants, and highlighted individual stories.

CASA said young children were told to drink more water as cure for fevers, and not provided with any care from specialists. In one case, a three year old girl’s eardrum exploded, and and she was diagnosed with an ear infection. The doctor gave her a prescription for Vicks Vaporub, and told her mother “she had either a virus or an infection that would go away in two to three weeks.”

In another case, a three year old boy and his mother were detained at Artesia Family Residential Center. The child had watched his father rape and beat his mother daily at home in Honduras, and one day when the three year old boy tried to intervene, his father beat him and put a  gun to his head. Both mother and child suffered from severe PTSD, with the child repeatedly expressing fear over the ICE officers shooting him. A psychologist that interviewed him concluded “it is my opinion that both mother and son will continue deteriorating emotionally until they are in a safe family environment.” Instead, the pair would remain at Artesia for over 3 months, with the child continuing to fear the new men with guns in his life.

The ACLU’s report of neglect and abuse by the CBP shares similar stores. One pregnant teenager wrote that agents yelled at her and other pregnant minors that the agents “didn’t ask you to come to our country” and that the girls were there “to contaminate the US with [their] babies.”

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The reports goes on to say “when an infant detained in that same room soiled his pants through his diaper, the agents made his mother remove his pants and throw them in the trash. The agents did not, however, provide the infant with another diaper or pair of pants, even though the room was extremely cold.The child eventually became sick.”

Olivia López, a former employee at the Karnes County Residential Center, spoke to the LA Times in 2015 about her experiences working there, and her reasons for quitting. One of the prisoners was a five year old girl who was raped on her journey to the US. The child lost weight and  started wearing diapers again. When López told her boss what was going on, her boss told her she was wrong.

Families aren’t just going on a dangerous trek to America because they want to steal jobs and kill white women and get free TVs, or whatever other misinformation has spread. They’re coming here because it’s the least horrible option.  Mistreatment of immigrants by ICE is nothing new; it’s not a Trump thing, it’s an ICE thing. Do not be fooled by measures to reunite families while holding them captive — children don’t belong in cages, with our without their parents.

Follow me on Facebook and Twitter or read more of my writing on immigrationviolence against immigrant women, and police brutality.  

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How Trump’s Rust Belt Voters Have Changed Since the Election: They Haven’t

Since we haven’t had a single profile of Trump voters, thank god someone at Bloomberg had the genius idea to go out into the heartland and track rust belt Trump voters over the course of seventeen months. I summarized a couple of them last week, and here are the rest of the masters of cognitive dissonance.

Michael Makowski, 55

Michael’s life was changed in high school when he wrote a report on Reagan his senior year. I like to think there is an Alternate Universe Michael that did a book report on Atlas Shrugged, but I digress.

Jan 30, 2017

After a weekend of airport protests in opposition to Trump’s immigration order

They’re worried he’s going to put them back to work. If you can stand in the middle of a highway and wave a cell phone in the middle of the night, you’re certainly capable of holding a job during the day.

Okay. There is a lot to unpack here, and it’s all horrible.

Is he confusing BLM protests with the protests that happened inside airports? Does he think airports have highways inside of them? I’ve been to many BLM protests, and I don’t recall ever waving my cell phone while blocking 395. If we were protesting during the middle of the night, would it even be a protest? Who is driving? Drunks? We’re dying in that case. What jobs are equivalent to waving cell phones in the middle of the night? Is Michael just saying words to say them, with no regard for actual meaning or conclusions? I think this incredibly well thought out opinion by a Trump voter sums up the entire 2016 election.

Mar 30, 2017

One week after the first defeat of a promised Affordable Care Act repeal

I don’t know what the rush was.

What. The rush? Paul Ryan’s entire life goal has been has been to repeal the ACA since the day it was enacted. What the fuck is Michael even talking about?

May 05, 2017

After House approval of a health-care bill

I’m happy about it. Sounds like it’s going to save us a little bit of money and not hurt too many people.

Yup. That’s what I look for. Saving a “little bit of money” while not hurting too many people. A few poors are worth a couple bucks in my pocket!

Aug 15, 2017

On Trump’s response to Charlottesville altercations

Donald Trump took a few days to have all the facts before he made his speech on Charlottesville. He didn’t rely just on what the media was telling him. He acted on the facts. He blamed both sides.

Right. We know. Most people think that when a Nazi murders someone, blaming people who are anti-Nazis is not good.

The economy’s improving. Everybody’s buying new vehicles. I went to purchase a new truck and I have to wait 10 months for it.

Ford is doing a good job selling F150s, so Trump made the economy is A+.

Tom Anslow, 63

With a resume that includes grocery store bagger and restaurant manager, it makes perfect sense that Tom is a Republican. He found Trump “intriguing,” which is perhaps the most important quality one can seek out in the leader of the free world. For reasons, Tom also found the female candidate, Hillary Clinton, to be distrustful. Tom’s main concern is healthcare, as his plan runs out at the end of the year.

We are hurting over health care. It’s a weekly discussion in our house. I never wanted to be 65 in my life, but I do now.

My uninsured ass and janky forever broken pinky finger can totally relate to that, Tom. Unfortunately I won’t die in a few years and escape the fallout of being uninsured.

The Democrats and Republicans, they’re just two sides to a counterfeit coin.

Yup. The people who want you to be insured are just like the people who want you to figure it out in the private market — the market they don’t want to have regulated. The people who want to make a Muslim ban are the same as the ones who don’t. Tell me more, white man.

May 07, 2017

After House approval of a health-care bill

I’m not pleased with the uncertainty. Who the heck knows what’s going to come out? [But Trump’s pushing to get it passed] is his job, to get this thing through. He stepped up, he got it done.

Oh, Tom. I assume you’re talking about the plan that rolled back Medicaid expansion. Surely the reason you want to be 65 has nothing to do with Medicaid…right? Or are you a hypocrite, Tom?

Geno DiFabio, 55

Geno was a Democrat his whole life, but decided to switch to Trump after his blue hometown suffered financially as the steel industry collapsed.

He’s not going to get the press on his side, but he has to silence them a little bit.

That is exactly what POTUS should do!!! Silence the press.

May 07, 2017

After House approval of a health-care bill

I think that when we see the final product, it’s going to be better than what we have. I’m hoping.

I mean, if a toddler threw up on piece of paper and smeared it around with his hands, that would be a better bill, because it wouldn’t be costing people their health insurance.

He got rid of Comey for cause, in my opinion. The investigation’s going on. It doesn’t go away just because he got rid of Comey. No matter when Trump would have fired him, it would have been, ‘He was trying to stop him from investigating him.’

Well, yeah, but mostly because Trump looked Lester Holt dead in the eye and told him that was the reason. Do these people not have access to the news?

I think the swamp in Washington is bigger and deeper than he thought

Probably because he keeps adding to the swamp?

So people can make their own choice: here’s what Trump’s saying, here’s what the media is saying.

So people can make their own choice: here is what one uneducated and uninformed person is saying, here’s what the facts and data are.

I don’t know how much more is in my paycheck, I don’t watch that that closely. But honest to God, I can see it in the amount of business we’re doing and the amount of business our customers are doing.

This is actual bullshit. You know your check isn’t increased, and that is why you are just saying you can tell everything is great because of the amount of business you and your customers are doing.

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Tom Viviano, 51

TomV is an Independent. I can’t even re-word this biography. I’m just going to direct quote the article: “He hones his conservative-leaning views each morning at breakfast at the Orange Tree Cafe in Sterling Heights, Michigan, where he moderates the battle between his two coffee mates, one a fervent Democrat and the other a conservative Republican.”

Okie doke.

Anyway, TomV stopped responding to Bloomberg back in November, after giving Trump low ratings (7-8.5 out of 10).

My choice was not to vote or vote for him. There was no way I was voting for Hillary. It was never going to happen.

There is no explanation for why, so we can only use our imagination.

What I see happening now is mostly divided and partisan. It’s a lot worse than I thought it was going to be.

The man who refused to vote for Clinton because of her being Clinton, despite not appearing to love Trump, didn’t predict a partisan divide? Hmm, okay.

Apr 19, 2017

After failure to get a vote on health-care bill

It’s much worse now than it was before Trump. The Republicans probably didn’t like the Obama administration and what was going on, but it wasn’t the stonewalling like this. All of the bills being shot down. Everything that he does is wrong.

HAHAHHHAHAHAHAHA. What?! Is this guy delusional? Does he suffer from a memory problem?? TED CRUZ READ GREEN EGGS AND HAM TO FILIBUSTER.

I’m still all in favor of the travel ban. I’m all in favor of the wall. I’m all in favor of changing the health care.

Yeah, TomV definitely sounds like he’s an Independent. Sure.

Ann Peterson, 52

Ann has been waiting for Trump to run for POTUS for more than a decade.

I had always been a Trump supporter, and it was like a dream come true. It might sound hokey to you, but it’s truly what it was.

That is a real quote.

The hard part is, with watching the news, is you don’t even know who is telling the truth anymore. So I don’t really watch the news….I follow Michael Savage.

The hard part is, with watching the news, is you don’t even know who is telling the truth anymore. So I don’t really watch the news….I rely on a man who is banned from the UK for being racist, mocks veterans suffering from PTSD, and is a documented antisemite.

May 27, 2017

On Russia probe

I would like to see more solid evidence stated. Otherwise it’s not credible.

Like maybe some indictments?

There’s zero respect. It’s trickled down into all the avenues –- the football players and all that—the whole entire picture has been very disappointing. I’m embarrassed for our country and their behaviors.

Wait. Does Ann think the NFL is taking a knee over Trump? Oh, Ann. We are all embarrassed for our country.\

 He’s not padding anyone’s pocket, like we’ve seen (with others) all these years.

WHAT?! Trump is lining HIS OWN pockets nonstop!!!

Feckless Hypocrites

Tired of listening to family and coworkers pretend to care and be offended over Samantha Bee calling Ivanka Trump a feckless cunt? Me too. So here is a collection of tweets and quotes and videos of shit these people should be equally offended over.

Ted Nugent, who was invited to Trump’s White House:

Ted, President Trump me

And Roger Stone, Trump advisor and friend, started a CUNT campaign against Hillary Clinton:


How Trump’s Rust Belt Voters Have Changed Since the Election: Sounds Like White People White Peopling

Have you been worried that the media hasn’t done a good job checking in with white Trump voters? Have you managed to miss the barrage of Cletus Safaris done by almost every single major outlet in America? Well, lucky for you, someone at Bloomberg had the genius idea to go out into the heartland and track rust belt Trump voters over the course of seventeen months. For a special treat, Bloomberg used that old MySpace/Geocities cool feature where pointless sound plays on loop the whole time you’re reading the article. So in case you don’t have a fifth of booze handy to get you through reading this trash, I’ve made you a summary. It’s broken into pieces, so you don’t have to read it all at once.

Kim Woodrosky, 54

Kim is a real estate developer, surrounded by Democrats. As someone who is self employed, she is primarily concerned about health care.

[The 2017 Women’s March] wasn’t a women’s march. It was a march against Trump.

Well, sure. And all that stuff he did demeaning women. But I’m glad she was able to comprehend half of the issue.

If you want to come up here and you want to be a part of our country, be a part of our country. End up being a taxpayer. And follow our laws.

I’m really confused by this, because Bloomberg has it dated January 30, 2017, and the only context given is “shortly after Trump signed the executive order banning some immigrants.” I feel like I’m missing something, because the EO that comes to my mind is the Muslim ban, where they were detaining green card holders, students, families on vacation, and other people who were exactly following our laws. What in the fuck did Kim think this EO was about?? I am actually very alarmed  by Kim’s reading comprehension.

May 2, 2017
I see it very, very calm between everybody, even on social media and Facebook.

“I am a very white person with only very white friends, and everything seems totally normal now among the people I know!”

If there were a white supremacist thing going on in my center of town I would have stayed away.

That’s one hot take on Charlottesville, Kim. “I, someone who benefits from white supremacy and does not live in an area being purposefully terrorized by white supremacists, do not understand why you would ever protest this!! Everyone is to blame!”

People seem to think that the wall is all about taking away the migrant worker that’s going to pick tomatoes. That wall means more than just immigration. That wall means the end to the problem we’ve had for the past God knows how many years with drugs coming into this country.

….Kim, we have to have a talk. You need to try reading — a book, a newspaper article. Anything but Trump’s Twitter feed. Did you believe Trump when he said that bags of drugs are just knocking Americans out when they are walking along the border? In reality, “well over 95% of the drugs are moving on the water via container ships, non-commercial vessels, pleasure boats, sail boats, fishing boats.” Concrete walls can’t stop private yachts, Kim.

Bryn Biemeck, 31

Bryn had been living with her mom while trying to start a career as a life coach, but she recently moved out to become an Uber driver. She identifies as a libertarian, a political ideology known for believing in personal fiscal responsibility and not accepting or offering hand outs. She turned her back on Gary Johnson because Trump was just too amazing to not vote for. Her pet issues are NAFTA and education reform.

The respect that Trump gets from other world leaders and the ability to negotiate peace deals in what is a sticky horrible situation like North Korea.


Ah yes. Nothing makes me feel respected like being called a dotard. Or a giant gold Goliath.  Or being mocked for “winning the online polls” because “they are so easy to win.” Or having world leaders tell me to my face that “no one marched when won.” Also, these headlines:

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The biggest failure of Trump’s first 100 days is him turning his back on Julian Assange.

Funny, I thought his biggest failure was not accomplishing anything. But I guess it is really hard to fail at something if you don’t do anything.

William Chaney, 41

With a license plate that reads VOTGOP and an 11/10 rating for Trump, William is obviously as far from an obnoxious, in-your-face, real life troll as you can get. His main focus is repealing the ACA, so maybe Trump would have a reasonable 1000000/10 if the ACA had been repealed.

My life is way better with Trump as president…I can’t name anything tangible right now other than my mental health is better knowing that Hillary did not become president.

Ah, the exact rational thinking I would expect from William!

Donald Trump can have an absolutely awesome day and then he’ll stick his foot in his mouth. Then again, my dog used to s— on the carpet, yet I still loved her. I’m frustrated with my party. I’m not frustrated with my president.

I know the main thing I am looking for in a leader is someone who runs the country in a way that reminds me of my dog shitting on my carpet.

Honestly, if Trump were to hang himself with a brand new rope, the left would find something to criticize.

Hang himself? Funny choice of words, my friend. Surely the right never did anything like create racially charged images of Obama hanging himself!

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Here are some veterans who think it’s okay for NFL players to kneel for the national anthem

…not that kneeling during the national anthem has a goddamn thing to do with disrespecting the military.


Manda Moore: An Accurate Re-Write of “Kevin Williamson: The Punishment I Favor for Abortion, Part 329874”

When will Kevin Williamson stop complaining? Probably never.

Kevin D. Williamson is a Texas-based writer.

Kevin D. Williamson is a Texas-based complainer and professional fired person.

As a libertarian, I fully accept the motto that what a woman chooses to do with her own body is her business. As someone who can count, I believe that abortion involves two bodies. That’s what makes it a difficult question.

As a libertarian, on paper I fully accept the trope that what a woman chooses to do with her own body is her business.. As someone who is also a male supremacist, that belief ends when women make choices I disagree with. I have no mainstream career and the alt right doesn’t like me enough to fund me like they do Gay Milo, so I have to drag out this difficult question of whether or not I want to hang women who have abortions — even though I don’t value women as people.

So what would it mean as a practical legal matter to outlaw abortion? That is a question I have been asked frequently since being fired by the Atlantic over a four-year-old, six-word tweet and accompanying podcast in which I was alleged to have voiced an extremist view on the matter of criminalizing abortion — that it should be punished by hanging.

So what would it mean as a practical legal matter to outlaw abortion? This is a question I have frequently avoided fully answering since being fired by the Atlantic over a four year old, six word tweet I am so grateful I once made. Without that, I wouldn’t even exist to any of you, because you libtards would have passed right on over my column — after all, liberals hate everyone who thinks differently than they do.

That isn’t my view at all. But it leaves the question: What should be done?

The tweet that has now literally made my career isn’t my view at all. But it leaves the question: when will I share my view?

For some people, even to ask the question brings up dystopian images, from “The Handmaid’s Tale” to the Taliban. To me, a better model than the imaginary Gilead is the real world’s France.

For some people, even to ask me my viewpoint comes brings up the absurd notion I should answer the question. But like Offred’s torturous sex sessions, I am not going anywhere until the money dries up.

France, like many European countries, takes a stricter line on abortion than does the United States: Abortion on demand is permitted only through the 12th week of pregnancy. After that, abortion is severely restricted, permitted only to prevent grave damage to the mother’s health, or in the event of severe fetal abnormalities. France is not a neo-medieval right-wing dystopia.

France, a country that my ilk were quick to mock by taking renaming our French fries FREEDOM FRIES, a country that let in too many of the bad browns and now has terrorism littering its streets, a country of godless heathens, is actually also a global leader of goodness and morality. France is NOT a right-wing dystopia. It’s a left wing hell. But despite that, THEY LOVE BABIES

The law in France imposes penalties on those who perform illegal abortions, ranging from forfeiture of medical licenses for doctors to fines and, in some cases, incarceration (for providers, not for the woman obtaining the abortion) ranging from six months to 10 years. Those sanctions seem reasonable to me. Why not start there and see how it works?

The law in France imposes penalties on doctors. I do not have a uterus, and I also don’t like women. France’s decisions seem very reasonable to my penis. Why not start there and see how it works?

Coincidentally, “why not start there and see how it works?” is my go to line when I am trying to get the never recreational sex.

The French model does not represent an ideal final settlement. It would, in fact, leave untouched the vast majority of abortions, about 90 percent of which happen during the first trimester. It would, however, represent a welcome advance — one that would establish a post-Roe v. Wade legal framework for incremental reform. Whether to restrict abortion at the 12th week or the eighth week is a very different discussion than the one we are presently having.

The French model isn’t ideal, because despite the right’s crying about third trimester abortions, 90% of abortions happen in the first trimester. So I propose a new solution, that won’t be impacted by Roe v. Wade: every time a woman has sex, we lock her in a dungeon for 3 months.

Abortion is an absolute evil, but abortion opponents need not fall into the trap of political absolutism. Any enduring political settlement will require consensus, and that can only be worked out through the democratic process. It may be a 50- or even 100-year project. But strong-arming the country with a 5-to-4 Supreme Court vote or a temporary congressional majority is not the way to a lasting settlement.

I know that sounds evil. But it’s actually ABORTION that is an absolute evil. The thing is, if the women can’t access an abortion for three months, then we don’t need to change any laws.

The question for abortion opponents is this: Shall we act on our desire to punish, or on our desire to stop the killing? These desires do not necessarily lead in the same direction.

The question for abortion opponents is this: Shall we act on our desire to punish, or on our desire to stop the killing? These desires do not necessarily lead in the same direction.

The desire to punish is not always ignoble — sometimes, it points us in the direction of justice. But it can lead us astray, too, as it does in the matter of capital punishment as it currently is practiced in the United States.

A more prudent path is one of reducing and mitigating the violence.

The desire to punish is not always ignoble — sometimes, it points us in the direction of justice. But it can lead us astray, too, as it does in the matter of capital punishment as it currently is practiced in the United States.

A more prudent path is one of reducing and mitigating the violence by simply removing the women from society.

I differ from most pro-lifers in that I am willing to extend criminal sanctions to women who procure abortions and to those who enable abortions, assuming they are mentally competent adults ordinarily answerable for their actions. But this thought experiment has us writing one part of an imaginary statute without seeing the rest of the law. Only real-world experience will show what is effective, and our preference should be for the least-invasive effective settlement.

I differ from most pro-lifers in that I am willing to extend criminal sanctions to women who procure abortions and to those who enable abortions. Thankfully, the Vice President of the United States of America is one of the few people to push for and prosecute women under infanticide laws, so I think I have a real case here.

We are a long way from having that fight. Even if Roe v. Wade is overturned tomorrow, there is no obviously national aspect to abortion, so we will confront 50 fights in 50 legislatures representing 50 different political realities. It does not seem likely the people of New Jersey and the people of Utah will come to the same settlement, but abortion opponents should not replicate their rivals’ error by attempting to subvert the political process. It will be a long and frustrating process, and much evil will be done before it is complete. But that is the work before the pro-life movement, and there’s no avoiding it.

 We are a long way from having that fight. At the very least, I need RBG and Nancy Pelosi to drop dead. I’m sure it won’t be a popular opinion to lock up women, but that is the badge of honor of the pro-life man: we must endure humiliation and national mockery, all in an effort to teach these sluts what’s best for them. Mock me all you want, libtards. In the underground sex jails, no one can hear you.

You Took Him to Prom, but I Will Have Him to the Grave

High school is the best time of your life. You think your friends will actually be your friends forever, and you think you’ll marry the amazing man you’re dating your senior year. For some people, that might be the case. But for the rest of us, adulthood ends up being mediocre. Your friends don’t get to see you eight hours a day for five days a week, and for some reason don’t invite you to the happy hours you see they all attend. Your high school boyfriend dumps you so he can go to college on the other side of the country. Adult interactions are scary and difficult, so instead you just replay the greatest hits from your childhood in your head.

Anyway. So you thought you’d marry your high school boyfriend. I know for a fact you fantasized about your wedding, because that is what all teenage girls do. I know this, because I am a senior in college now, with many years of life experience. But guess what, bitch: you weren’t right for him.

I wish I could say I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m not. He is mine now. And I know that you, years after breaking up, are still sitting around thinking about him. Probably while you watch your high school friends’ Snapchat stories, because thinking about my man is more fun than wondering why your friends don’t invite you out anymore. You might eventually find someone, but I’m glad MY boyfriend wasn’t the right one. Because now he is mine, because you were a garbage girlfriend.

This is going to be really surprising, but sometimes I have issues with jealousy. I know I hide it very well, but I am opening up to you. This public letter to my boyfriend’s high school girlfriend is a reflection of how normal I am. Everyone does this. Anyway you fucking bitch, did you even appreciate prom with my boyfriend? I BET YOU DIDN’T. I would have appreciated him. It kills me I couldn’t be there. Watching you two from afar. Waiting for you to go to the bathroom, or to sneak off in the corner with one of your friends for some gossip. I could have swooped in and shown him my love is the purest of loves, unlike yours.

I hate that the only opportunity one has to dress up in life is prom. Adults have no friends or events, so now I will die without a chance to dress up for my love. And you, you selfish bitch, he got to see you dressed up.

I actually never went to prom, because I didn’t really know anyone in high school. I tried to show up at people’s houses unannounced so that we could totally be besties, and so I could make sure no one who was my friend was hanging out with that bitch Julia who was a year younger but so mean, but everyone in my hometown is really rude and no one ever opened their doors. I would take my friends’ phones and see if they had been texting Julia, because she was such a bitch, and once I saw my friend Chelsea had prom dress shopping pictures on her phone. Turns out Chelsea had been dress shopping with fucking Julia, so I threw her phone across the room into a wall.

But anyway. Chelsea’s pictures looked like a lot of fun, at least before I shattered her phone. All the brightly colored prom dresses. All the planning and giggling. All the friendships. I’m sure you had a lot of fun picking out his tux to match your dress. You did a horrible fucking job, by the way. Just like you did a bad job being a girlfriend.

I find myself getting jealous, but then I stop. I used to do really weird and crazy shit when I was jealous, but now I am a perfect beacon of whatever the opposite of jealousy is. I remind myself how you are a stupid slut, and I get to match his tux to my WEDDING DRESS. And I won’t be using the ugly color scheme you used, because I have taste and class. And I remind myself that, years ago, he ditched your sorry ass. And now I will love him forever and ever. And he will love me. He will love me with every breath he takes, until he dies.

I try not to get jealous of your childhood experiences with him, because that would weird and you are in the past. You had your time, defiling my beautiful man, and now you are GONE. You got to dress up for prom with him, and now I get to dress up with him for my wedding, which I am sure is happening. He may have put a corsage on your wrist, but if you come near him ever again, I will be putting a knife in the same spot he put a ring on my finger.

This is a parody of the very reasonable article, You May Have Worn the Prom Dress with Him, but I get to Wear the Wedding Dress

More or Less What Online Dating Profiles Look Like

Erik, 36

My Self Summary
Never married, no kids. Is there anyone “sane” on any of these apps? LOL I meet so many women and they all are just crazy. Anyway I am looking to date, but to me dating is sleeping with you after 2 weeks, never talking to you again, and wondering why you text me 5 times after that. I don’t take selfies, so sorry all of my photos have large groups of generic looking white men in them — I am the attractive one!

John, 42

Body Type: a little extra
Height: 5’6″
Kids: Does not have kids, and definitely wants them
Seeking: Women ages 18-25

My Self Summary
I work as a contractor for the federal government. I love craft beer, and I’m really into IPAs right now. I spend a lot of time reading very important and thick books, probably ones you have never heard of it — but don’t feel bad. I am usually the most educated and intelligent person in the room. I work about 100 hours a week, so we will never see each other — I need you to be okay with this. When I am off, I will spend most of my free time brooding, thinking about very pretentious things. We can talk about them sometimes, but mostly so I can subtly put you down for not being as smart as I am. I promise that within the first 10 minutes of meeting, I will ask you your feelings on a very specific part of a very pretentious book, one that you may or may not have read in college. Study up 😉

Since I am obviously bringing a lot to the table, I expect that you will, too. Please, no one over 25. Even though I have put it off until my 40s, I would like to have at least 3 children, so I need a woman who will be able to provide me with them. You need to be smart — like I have said, I am very intelligent, and you will need to at least try to keep up. I will be bringing you to parties, and while you should remain mostly silent, I do expect you wow my friends with either 3 witty banters or 1 profound observation per special event.

Physically, I require that you be tall and slender, but not bulky with muscle, because that is gross. You need to have a large bosom, but a small band size. Think Victoria’s Secret model meets Barbie, and you kind of have my preferred aesthetic. It goes without saying you need to be blonde and white, but exceptions can be made for particularly beautiful Brazilian or Panamanian women — assuming your English is free of accent.

I feel as though it is impossible to find a good woman these days, but hopefully the one is out there.

Jon, 31

My Self Summary
Proud father to a 2 month old. Currently transitioning to a new career path as a stand up comic. Seeking a true connection, LTR. I have a lot going on, and I’m hoping to find a girlfriend so I can saddle her with all of my emotional problems.

Aaron, 33

My Self Summary
I don’t get why everyone on this website cares so much about who you voted for. I was RAISED RIGHT and I am proud of it. I’m a nice guy and I will always treat you right! Think about it: if you won’t go out with me just because I voted for Trump, aren’t YOU the bigot?