Guy Secrets: “I Have an Excuse for That Bad Thing I Do!”

I have a friend named Justine who I assume hates me, because she keeps sending me these horrible Reddit posts. I guess she thinks that if she has to suffer, I do too….so like a scared teenager who watched the video in The Ring, I’m passing the horrors on to you! Blame Justine.

Over on r/AskReddit, someone asked, “what are some ‘guy secrets’ girls don’t know about?” They’re basically all along the lines of “here is my excuse for that shitty thing I do!” but here are some of my favorites!

1. I am lazy

Does this man think that women never get anything on the toilet seat? Like, I am sure that I am not the only woman to ever get a little bit of blood on a toilet seat — and then, because I’m not a foul monster, I clean up my mess immediately. No one fucking cares about your aim being on purpose or not — if we know you pissed on the toilet seat, it’s because you purposefully didn’t clean up after yourself.

2. You’re going to figure it out for me anyway, mom — I mean…babe.

Laziness is a theme here! “The end result is always going to be the same, because my woman will deal with it. Thanks, babe!” Come on, fucking contribute. Instead of expecting your girlfriend or wife to always figure out the meal plan, maybe help out for a change.  The nice food doesn’t just happen — a woman comes along and does the planning for you. You’re being selfish.

And I don’t really understand how “I’m never going to enjoy doing the cleaning but I know it has to happen, so I’ll do whatever it is I need to do” relates to “When I say ‘I don’t care’ I mean that I don’t care.” The only way I can imagine this being related is that this guy’s girlfriend has to tell him what to do around the house. “Can you clean the kitchen?” “Yeah, sure, I don’t care.” Like how about you just go ahead and clean shit because it needs cleaned?

If you’re saying “I don’t care” for decorating decisions or picking out a toaster or when your girlfriend asks you which dress looks better, maybe you should think about how it’s nice to date someone who is engaged and cares. Your girlfriend wants to know what you think, because (for some unknown reason) she values you and your opinion. If you have literally zero opinions on things, maybe reflect on why that is. Maybe when it comes to decisions around the house or what to eat, you’re being coddled? Try contributing! You’re being rude — plus if you do end up hating the food, you can just blame someone else.

Going through the dozens of comments like this made me so sad. Ladies, don’t settle for a man that can’t be assed to ever make a decision.

3. Sometimes I do offensive things and offend people, but why do you have to be such a bitch about it?

I mean, he seems to come full circle on this and realize he was kind of an asshole, but let’s recap: girlfriend spends time making you dinner for the first time. Girlfriend is nervous because she’s put work into this, and she’s afraid you won’t like it. You are either obtuse or self centered, because you don’t realize this (I guess an alternative is he was literally starving to death, but then eating too fast wouldn’t be good for him either). You ate it, didn’t say anything to her, waited for her to ask you what you thought, and you said “oh yeah. It’s good.” Not even a thank you?! Fuck you, buddy. You sound like a teenager who is busy texting on his phone, upset mom made him come to the table for family dinner.

I love to cook, but it’s a big deal for me to cook for a guy for the first time. It makes me nervous as fuck. I wouldn’t cook for this guy anymore, either.

4. School was fine, MOM

I once read somewhere, maybe Tumblr, that men feel like the “friend zone” exists because they don’t have male friends that they can openly talk to. When a woman comes along and has (to a non-emotionally stunted human) normal conversation with a guy, he feels like they have a connection, because the only people he usually talks about serious stuff with are his family and girlfriends.

If every single time you hang out with your friends you don’t learn anything about their lives, maybe it’s a problem. If you never think to ask follow up questions, maybe you’re a shitty friend — regardless of gender.

And if you think that comparing your time with your friends and then returning home to your girlfriend is even remotely similar to the way children treat their parents, perhaps you are a garbage partner. After all, a relationship is supposed to be a partnership, not just some guy dumping all of his emotional shit on his poor girlfriend, and never having emotional connections with other people.

5. Why don’t you like to watch me do stuff????????

Screen Shot 2018-08-13 at 3.58.53 PM

When I first read this, I wasn’t sure why it made me so angry, but the more I thought about it the more I realized it was because there are just so many problems here.

First, 100% of this goes on the woman. It is her job to sit and watch her boyfriend do thrilling shit like “clean his gun” or “build a computer.” At no point is there a mention of men reciprocating this — and presumably they aren’t doing this at all which is why this advice is necessary.

Second, what the actual fuck that this is a dude thing? I mean, I guess if a guy sat and watched me write I would be very freaked out, but as far as being quietly in the same room as me — isn’t that just what a relationship is? Two people in one room, maybe reading, maybe passively watching TV, maybe knitting, I don’t know — but not talking? This is like a basic example of how to co-exist. I have been doing this with my best friend for over a decade and we’re both women. I cannot imagine how exhausting a relationship would be if you couldn’t sit in silence together.

Does this type of man think that women don’t need time to decompress?  And this isn’t an isolated comment. Over and over there is a theme of “women talk too much.” As Justine said to me, if all of these men have girlfriends who are always chatty, it’s probably because they feel like they have to be “on” all the time, and they’re probably fucking tired. Women are just as human as men. Needing silence or time to read your own book is normal. Also,  that is the most fucking insane idea of all — it suggests that without this amazing advice, women would try to talk to their boyfriends the entire time they’re reading. Fuck you, guy.

Third, way to think women are boring. We don’t like video games, sports, or OTHER HOBBIES. I personally find OTHER HOBBIES to be soooooooo dull. I rarely participate in them! I certainly never watch baseball — unless, of course, I can talk through the whole game! Tehe!

Another user responded and said he uses these tactics when it comes to his volunteer work with children. Uh. Maybe if a woman has to resort to tactics that are used to get teenagers to talk, she deserves a better partner, one who isn’t a project or a job.

As personal anecdote, I once dated a guy who got upset if I was on my laptop while we were together. He couldn’t appreciate the idea of being together but alone — not me. It’s not a gender thing. It’s a personality thing.

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mandawritesthings

Give me coffee.

One thought on “Guy Secrets: “I Have an Excuse for That Bad Thing I Do!””

  1. For #5, I actually had a boyfriend for a bit who would watch me practice the piano. For about 10 minutes I thought it was sweet but then it just got annoying. I wanted to be alone! I even asked him to leave so I could be alone, but he didn’t want to.

    After this happened a couple times I just stopped playing the piano, and eventually I wised up and just stopped dating him.

    Probably not the best sign that I was SO EXCITED after I dumped him. :-/

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