More or Less What Online Dating Profiles Look Like

Erik, 36

My Self Summary
Never married, no kids. Is there anyone “sane” on any of these apps? LOL I meet so many women and they all are just crazy. Anyway I am looking to date, but to me dating is sleeping with you after 2 weeks, never talking to you again, and wondering why you text me 5 times after that. I don’t take selfies, so sorry all of my photos have large groups of generic looking white men in them — I am the attractive one!

John, 42

Body Type: a little extra
Height: 5’6″
Kids: Does not have kids, and definitely wants them
Seeking: Women ages 18-25

My Self Summary
I work as a contractor for the federal government. I love craft beer, and I’m really into IPAs right now. I spend a lot of time reading very important and thick books, probably ones you have never heard of it — but don’t feel bad. I am usually the most educated and intelligent person in the room. I work about 100 hours a week, so we will never see each other — I need you to be okay with this. When I am off, I will spend most of my free time brooding, thinking about very pretentious things. We can talk about them sometimes, but mostly so I can subtly put you down for not being as smart as I am. I promise that within the first 10 minutes of meeting, I will ask you your feelings on a very specific part of a very pretentious book, one that you may or may not have read in college. Study up 😉

Since I am obviously bringing a lot to the table, I expect that you will, too. Please, no one over 25. Even though I have put it off until my 40s, I would like to have at least 3 children, so I need a woman who will be able to provide me with them. You need to be smart — like I have said, I am very intelligent, and you will need to at least try to keep up. I will be bringing you to parties, and while you should remain mostly silent, I do expect you wow my friends with either 3 witty banters or 1 profound observation per special event.

Physically, I require that you be tall and slender, but not bulky with muscle, because that is gross. You need to have a large bosom, but a small band size. Think Victoria’s Secret model meets Barbie, and you kind of have my preferred aesthetic. It goes without saying you need to be blonde and white, but exceptions can be made for particularly beautiful Brazilian or Panamanian women — assuming your English is free of accent.

I feel as though it is impossible to find a good woman these days, but hopefully the one is out there.

Jon, 31

My Self Summary
Proud father to a 2 month old. Currently transitioning to a new career path as a stand up comic. Seeking a true connection, LTR. I have a lot going on, and I’m hoping to find a girlfriend so I can saddle her with all of my emotional problems.

Aaron, 33

My Self Summary
I don’t get why everyone on this website cares so much about who you voted for. I was RAISED RIGHT and I am proud of it. I’m a nice guy and I will always treat you right! Think about it: if you won’t go out with me just because I voted for Trump, aren’t YOU the bigot?

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mandawritesthings

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