Meet Adrian MacNair, Asshole of the Month

I read the worst article I have ever read the other day: Sympathy for the dog killer Paulsen by one dickwad Adrian MacNair. If you love animals, I’m sorry for what is about to happen to you. I can’t even write an introduction because I’m so consumed by my hatred of the fucking asshat that wrote the original article.

About 22 years ago, my wife and I adopted a dog from the Toronto Humane Society on a whim.

Ah, yes. This is how all tales of responsible dog ownership begin. “Being responsible for another life? YOLO! Why not!”

It was a yappy little three-year-old Shih Tzu who was territorially aggressive, impossible to walk and poorly house trained. We couldn’t leave her alone or she would bark incessantly for hours or destroy something in the apartment.

Hmmm. Who is responsible for training the dog? Oh, that’s right…you! Good thing you aren’t responsible for human life, since you seem like a total fucking failure of a dog owner and we’re only like 3 sentences in.

In 2001, with a myriad of health problems and an inability to hold her bladder or bowel movements any longer, we put her to sleep. It was sad at first, but we also had a newborn baby to care for at the time.

It was sad at first, but not really because whatever. Like, it was sad at first when grandma got dementia and stuff, but then I got a baby so who cares! Are you fucking incapable of feeling/doing more than one thing? All of the other responsible dog owner/ newborn producers think you suck, I took an official poll.

Although I enjoyed having a dog and I can understand how people get emotionally attached to their pets, I have to say that fatherhood changed my perspective on the human-animal hierarchy.

Oh, good. I knew it was coming — I’m a parent now, so I know everything.

For the most part, I think we tolerate the anthropomorphic projections that people place on their animal companions when they call them “babies” and say they “love” them. Well, I suppose a person can love anything, but there’s no love like that which we have for other people.

You know what’s funny? There’s no hatred like the one much of the world feels for you! Tell me more how I don’t know about love because I never pushed a human out of my vagina.

Which brings me to the point of this story. I felt sympathy for dog walker Emma Paulsen last week when I learned she was about to spend six months in prison for killing six dogs and then attempting to cover it up.

Go on….

I felt sympathy because Paulsen is going to lose her right to freedom over the death of six animals who, at the end of the day, are essentially inconsequential to this world.

HOLD UP. So if someone kills a human that is inconsequential to this world (i.e., most people), is it ok? Do they skip jail and go straight to collecting $200? Because, I hate to break it to you, if we aren’t counting others emotions (people are sad when pets die), then your kid will likely grow up to be nothing worthwhile, too. You’re more likely to grow up to be a serial killer than to cure cancer!

Oh yes, I’m sure the dogs were important to the dog owners. That much is clear. But they’re only dogs. And this is a woman’s life we’re talking about.

Ah, yes. Because she shouldn’t punished for her actions. It’s her life!!! It’s now or never!!! Do whatever!!!

Dogs are easily replaced. If you don’t think that’s true, head down to your local animal shelter. You can grab one for about $350.

Oh? Are babies easily replaced? Hey, kids just a name and is inconsequential — if you off it, just pop another out! Or adopt one!

The other thing about dogs? They only live for about eight to 10 years. Most people who live with dogs their entire lives can be expected to go through a dozen before they, too, meet the grim reaper.

I would love to see a statistic to back up how many dogs people plow through, but okay. If your kid dies at 10, whatever, just get another! If this is how you feel about dogs, the Toronto Humane Society needs a better screening process.

One of my favourite movies of all time, Old Yeller, is about a faithful golden lab who befriends a boy before getting bitten and becoming rabid. The owners do what any sensible owner would do. They shoot the dog and get a replacement.

Too soon to make a kid/measles joke?

I’m not condoning anything Paulsen did to those dogs. It’s certainly disturbing that she had such a big mental lapse and then tried to cover up evidence of her mistake. But at the end of the day that’s what happened. She made a mistake.

  1. accept and allow (behavior that is considered morally wrong or offensive) to continue.
    “the college cannot condone any behavior that involves illicit drugs”

So, actually, you kind of are condoning it.

The reason why we’re being punitive is pretty obvious. We’re crucifying her for killing North America’s version of the sacred cow.

This is so fucking stupid I cannot even make a response to it without insulting my own intelligence thinking about his sentence.

In other parts of the world, killing dogs isn’t so taboo. Some countries openly feast on dogs the same way we eat chickens. Other countries find dogs to be a nuisance, shooting strays in the streets. Still other countries find them unclean and refuse to come into any contact with them whatsoever.

And in some countries, babies are killed. Free for all, bitchesl!!!

The dog owners lost their animal companion and for that they deserved monetary compensation. A few thousand dollars could buy a pure-bred replacement from a top-notch breeder.

Ah, yes. Advocate for breeders now.

But much like this former dog owner came to realize, the dogs don’t make a difference in this world one way or another. We should be worrying about and caring for our fellow human beings.

Sure. Did you know that killing animals and not feeling empathy for them often comes before someone does crimes directed toward humans? No offense, but I hope you and your family get robbed at gunpoint by someone who used to kill dogs. Fuck this guy.

I'm not saying it's okay to harass her, but I am saying I'd peace out on my marriage if he was my SO.

I’m not saying it’s okay to harass her, but I am saying I’d peace out on my marriage if he was my SO.

1 thought on “Meet Adrian MacNair, Asshole of the Month

  1. Creative DJ

    Your piece is beautifully written and I couldn’t agree more. That mono-syllabic douche bag is technically one of the worst writers and spiritually one of the most morally
    bankrupt. Keep up the good work!


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