Just get married already!

“Marriage: The Best Way to Solve Your Relationship Problems” – GOD, According to Columnist Mike Adams

Do you want to save yourself from being beaten by your boyfriend? Do you want to increase your chances of being beaten by your girlfriend? Just get married! At least, that’s what I learned today from the Town Hall article, The Ring Makes All the Difference by one Mike Adams. 

I know I’m just a radical feminist who wants to destroy the idea of marriage and family (because God definitely thinks it is important you register your commitment with the state, y’all!), so my opinion probably doesn’t matter…but what a bunch of idiotic bullshit. Adams doesn’t really making any of his own points (outside of labeling feminists as life destroyers), but highlights some of his favorite facts from a book called (wait for it!) The Ring Makes All the Difference: The Hidden Consequences of Cohabitation and the Strong Benefits of Marriage.

Obviously, there is a lot of wrong going on here, but I’d like to start with the very last paragraph: “God is the author of the rules of the game of life. He is also the creator of science. When properly applied, His methods always reveal the truth.” I don’t really know what that has to do with anything, other than maybe saying if bitches get beat by their live in man sinner sluts, it’s because they didn’t listen to God’s rules of the game of life. But maybe we should talk about these rules for the game of life (henceforth abbreviated as GRGOL, because typing it out one more time might make me throw up. How does this guy have a regular column somewhere and I don’t?).

The Bible is full of contradictory information when it comes to marriage. In the book of GRGOL, Paul tells us in Corinthians to not bother getting married, and to only get married if we can’t stop ourselves from having sex (which we also shouldn’t do). On the other hand, plenty of people had multiple wives and that was considered awesome. Something GRGOL doesn’t address? What marriage actually is. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that marriage is a trip to the county courthouse, sharing your bank accounts, and dragging down your SO’s chances for credit approval with your shitty score and student debt.

But let’s say that the American idea of marriage is what GRGOL had in mind. What other evidence do we have to support the idea that marriage is the best?

– In marriages, male-female ratios of violence are roughly equal – with women and men just as likely to initiate violence against their spouses. However, in cohabiting relationships, men are far more likely to initiate violence.

Is your man beating you? Get engaged, it’ll end as soon as you’re legal! Though…maybe that’s not really what’s going on. Turns out, married immigrant women are about 10% more likely to report being abused than unmarried immigrant women living with a partner. Also turns out, women who are married generally don’t like to report their husband as an abuser.  But hey. You want to pretend that marriage stop violence, let’s take a look at the DOJ’s Intimate Partner Violence study:

Screen Shot 2015-01-05 at 10.50.21 PM

Looks like the safest thing you can do is get married and not have kids, since bearing kids is obviously what makes women become victims of violence.

– Married people typically earn more and save more than their unmarried counterparts – whether cohabiting or single.
– The poverty rate for children living in married households is 6%. It is 31% for children living with a cohabiting father and mother.

Lots of studies have been done to figure out why unmarried people make more than married people. Some theorize that those who are married are looked at by their employer as more responsible, and given raises or promotions that are influenced by that (think: you’re a prick boss that only believes in your version of GRGOL. John is married with kids, Greg lives with his whore girlfriend in sin. Who do you layoff first?). Another idea is that just like more attractive people are better off in the work place, they are also more likely to find a partner. Or, if you come from money and are set up to be in a higher income bracket yourself, your family might be more traditional. Or…tax deductions (because if getting married to end abuse isn’t enough, tax deductions should be). But in the vein of the second point up there, if you’re in a lower income bracket…it often makes sense to not get married as your combined income may cause you to lose benefits. That doesn’t mean that you’re poor because you’re unmarried; it means you’re unmarried because you’re poor. I’m presumably in the minority of people who are looking to permanently cohabit without getting married, but this guy is pretending there is some magic going on. Living together in sin? $12k a year for you! Signed that legal document? Bam!! $65k!

– A married man will spend about eight more hours a week doing household chores than his shacking-up peer.

Assuming that is even true outside of the one study he referenced/that I could find, you’d think it’d be true all of the time. Because marriage = man cleaning, nothing else should matter. Except this study, covering 5 European countries, which found “that cohabiting couples have a more egalitarian division of labour but that there are important country differences.” Maybe there are other things at play here than marriage?

I hate to write about a guy writing about a book I haven’t read, but over and over it’s clearly the same mistakes: thinking marriage is the problem solver. Do you want the real solution to save family life? Find your person, move in together, get married if you want. Make sure they’re the right person, that you’re compatible in your goals and way of life (kids, no kids, city, country, whatever). Enjoy your time together, work hard to make it work, don’t cheat, don’t hit each other, and don’t give a shit who has what jewel on what finger.

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11 thoughts on ““Marriage: The Best Way to Solve Your Relationship Problems” – GOD, According to Columnist Mike Adams”

  1. Great response to a really shitty article. He did a really good job cherry picking certain statistics and citing correlation rather than causation. I’ve been in two long term relationships and I’ve lived with both of those partners. Honestly it was the best decision I’ve ever made. You find out really quick if the relationship will sink or swim. Not that living together before marriage is the right path for everyone, but it’s really not the big scary monster some people make it out to be.

    1. Thanks! And I agree – I personally wouldn’t want to commit to spending the rest of my life with someone without living together. I’m really unorganized. Like….shit is everywhere. I don’t mind cleaning, but someone else has to pick up all my shit for me to see the floor to scrub it. That’s a deal breaker for….a lot of people.

  2. I usually want to play the devil’s advocate, but this one will be a bit difficult. I think the only way for marriage to “end domestic abuse” is by having a community or an extended network of family members that shame married spouses into not discussing domestic abuse issues.

    It’s much easier to leave a relationship when not married than it is married due to legal reasons. For that reason, the legal hassles may discourage the victim from speaking up. It’s too much of a hassle. Not because marriage magically does away with such abuse. Correlation doesn’t mean causation.

    1. Yeah, I feel like this one is pretty hard to defend — it’s one of those topics where if you agree with, you likely cannot be reasoned with. I definitely agree. Abusers work by making the victim feel like they have no where to go, and that’s amplified in marriage with legal obstacles.

  3. You know, I keep saying this, but it doesn’t seem to be catching on in conservative circles – Marriage is not a magic wand.(*) Wedding vows are not magic words. A priest / pastor / justice of the peace / (insert miscellaneous minister here) is not a wizard. A wedding ceremony does not have any magical properties.

    Anyway, on to other logical fallacies – the only way you could conclude that marriage actually causes any of the societal ills to vanish is if you took randomly selected people, married half of them off, and then tracked them over their lifetimes. Of course, that’s kinda unethical, so I can’t imagine anyone’s actually done this.

    Here in the real world, people generally get married and stay married if they already have a good relationship. So when you compare married people vs. any other group, you’re basically comparing self-selected good relationships vs. everyone else. Of COURSE your data is going to show that married people have it pretty good.

    A more useful way to look at this data is not “What can marriage do for my relationship?” but rather “What type of person gets married and stays married?” And what do we learn? We learn that people who don’t beat or otherwise abuse their spouses stay married (duh), we learn that men who help out around the house get and stay married, we learn that people who make good money stay married … we learn lots of things about people who are married, but NONE of that means that marriage somehow magically made them that way.

    (*) That’s not to say your marriage can’t involve a magic wand of the Hitachi variety, but that’s a completely separate issue.

    1. Yes yes yes. All of this. Observing people I know is the closest I can get to forcing randoms to marry, and no one that was unhappy and thought marriage would save them from fighting or stress ended up being happy and stress free once married.

      I’d say I’m in the minority of women not wanting to get married, and that looking at “what type of person gets married and stays married” is a great point. I wish there was a study that show couples living together for more than 5 years or more than 10 years, and compared that to married couples. Most of my friends would leave a man if he didn’t propose after 5 years, so if you’ve been together that long and aren’t married, there’s a reason of some sort…but the relationships might be the same quality as marriages and imo would likely reflect similar stats

      1. Just saw this(*) and thought it applied –

        “Intriguingly, marital happiness long outlasted the honeymoon period. Though some social scientists have argued that happiness levels are innate, so people return to their natural level of well-being after joyful or upsetting events, the researchers found that the benefits of marriage persist.

        One reason for that might be the role of friendship within marriage. Those who consider their spouse or partner to be their best friend get about twice as much life satisfaction from marriage as others, the study found.

        The effect of friendship seems to be the result of living with a romantic partner, rather than the legal status of being married, because it was as strong for people who lived together but weren’t married.

        (*) http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/08/upshot/study-finds-more-reasons-to-get-and-stay-married.html?_r=1&abt=0002&abg=0

  4. Paul thought Jesus was coming back very soon and that would be any more generations. When you live together before marriage you have the lets see how it goes I can bail anytime mentality. Most people who fail at marriage aren’t willing to work at it and at least put their spouse first occasionally, ideally the majority of the time. We rarely do that because we are too selfish True give and take in equal measure and the advice of the Bible-men love your wives as Christ loved the church and wives respect your husbands.The Bible doesn’t want wives to be subservient or second class just respectful. If a woman truly feels loved and a man respected (I realize both are on the decline) then they have much more than a fighting chance.

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