If You Don’t Teach Your Kids About Safe Sex, I Can’t Wait For You to be a Grandfather Before Your Kids Can Drive

Are you waiting until marriage to have sex? Good for you! Unless we’re close enough for you to tell me about you having sex, please don’t tell me about how you aren’t getting laid (I’m an equal opportunist kill joy). But for the love of God, do not tell me that you won’t be teaching your children about safe sex.

Shout out to one of my very astute readers for sending me this gem: I Will Not Teach My Kids About Safe Sex Because There is No Such Thing (also, you kind of suck because I have since wasted hours of my life reading this guy’s blog). The blog author, Matt Walsh, makes two key points: if you are having casual sex, you aren’t having good sex (indeed, only those who have been married for many years have good sex), and teaching your kids about condoms is like telling them to drink and drive, as long as they buckle their seatbelts. Oh. Okay. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess Matt can’t be on Facebook during bikini season.

The ‘safe sex’ model, however, tells a sterilized and paranoid story. It says, “this is something so frivolous and so joyless that you can do it with whoever, for whatever reason, even if just to alleviate boredom. By the way, though it is just a recreational activity, like Parcheesi or air hockey, it can also lead to broken hearts, chlamydia, pregnancy, and AIDS. So, in that sense, it’s a little different from a board game. Hey, let’s look at some super-magnified images of genital warts!”
Does it really, though? What shitty fucking parents have you met, Matt? I don’t know anyone who was raised this way. Do you guys?
Imagine the college students who have to chug 6 rum cocktails and 8 Natty Lights between them before they can anonymously copulate in someone’s dorm room.
Why do we say that these people enjoy sex? The man who makes love to his wife of 20 years enjoys sex; these people only enjoy certain physical sensations.
Oh. I forgot how often I hear about people being together for 20 years and still humping like rabbits. Isn’t that kind of not the norm? Also, what’s with the extremes here? 20 years of marriage vs. a drunken one night stand? Quite frankly, Matt, just as I’m in no position to comment on what it’s like to be married for 20 years, you clearly aren’t qualified to comment on what it’s like for people to have sex outside of marriage.
We tell young people to wear condoms to protect against ailments like hepatitis and AIDS. The obvious insinuation here is that there is a ‘safe’ way to fornicate with a diseased stranger.
I don’t have much to say here other than how awesome is it to refer to sex this way? Men can carry HPV even if they are virgins so I feel like this invalidates the entire argument.
Sex itself isn’t safe. On the other hand, committed relationships, fortified by the vows of marriage and reaffirmed daily by both spouses, are safe — and it is only in this context that the inherent vulnerability of sex can be made secure and comfortable.
I don’t plan on ever getting married, because I don’t believe in bringing the government into my relationship. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?! Does this mean I’ll never really love someone or be loved the way Matt think it’s supposed to happen? Government contract? Good to go. Loving and committed relationship? DISEASED STRANGER SLUT.
Throughout the first part of the article, I was clinging to the hope that this guy meant he was going to teach his children abstinence as a moral goal, but would still teach them how to use birth control. Nope – hope those little rugrats don’t end up like me, never wanting to have children, even when they are married to someone.

Now, I know you’ll tell me that we have to be realistic. Kids will have sex, so shouldn’t we at least make sure they’re prepared for it?
To answer that question I have a few of my own:
You don’t want your kid to drink and drive, but if he did, you’d prefer he wear a seatbelt, right? Well, would you ever say to him: “junior, I know you’re going to drink and drive. You shouldn’t, but everyone does. So just wear your seatbelt”?

Say what? I’d say it’s actually more like telling your child you don’t want them to drink, but a lot of kids do drink. So if they decide to have alcohol in high school (despite you teaching them about the dangers of alcoholism and binge drinking, legal consequences, etc.), under no circumstances should they drink and drive. It’s dangerous, it’s unforgivable. It can result in loss of life for multiple people, it can result in severe property damage, etc.
If you have sex – despite the physical and emotional dangers I have taught you, children – you need to wear a condom. I don’t know what the sexual equivalent of drinking and driving is for parents talking to teenagers. Maybe bukaki?

Oh wait! A direct contradiction!

And abstinence before marriage has a better way to deal with the bad things — it tells you about gonorrhea and herpes and out-of-wedlock pregnancy, but it assures you that you don’t need to live in fear of these things if you simply wait for the right time.

Oh. So you will tell them these things can happen, but you won’t tell them how to prevent them? And any unwanted fetus that I find inside me (ring or not), has gotta go. I guess these kids will have to get married and procreate IMMEDIATELY. Shit like this is how kids develop the idea that putting Sprite in your vagina works as birth control.

I’m not a psychologist, but if you spend so much time telling your children to define their self worth and identity on the state of sticking things up their hoohah, what do you tell you tell them if they’re date raped or when lose their identity when they’re married or if they just “mess up” and have sex? If I was from a family that felt so strongly about abstinence that my dad was writing blog posts about my chastity, I’d probably run away if I had sex and got knocked up.

And odds are pretty fucking good these kids are gonna be having some babies (what’s up, Bristol Palin). Abstinence only education consistently fails. And coming from a religious stand point, the Bible says we shouldn’t have sex AT ALL but if we do we ought to be married. And do you know why, Matt? Paul says that we should be married because we’re gonna bang anyway, so we might as well be married. 

I leave you all with 1 Corinthians 7:1-9. Kinda cheapens the “don’t say they’re gonna do it anyway!” argument.

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time,so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satanwill not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

Now to the unmarried[a] and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.


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20 thoughts on “If You Don’t Teach Your Kids About Safe Sex, I Can’t Wait For You to be a Grandfather Before Your Kids Can Drive”

      1. I, unfortunately, found him sometime last year before I got really into my blog. He wrote an (amazingly) great article on judgmental assholes who complain about kids crying in stores. So I followed him without looking at any other posts. Months later when I rediscovered my blog, he showed up in my reader and I read one post and hated him more immensely than anything else, ever. Now I read his articles for inspiration, to debunk. Haha.

        I can’t believe so many people AGREE with him. He makes MONEY off his blog.

      2. I KNOW. I’m so upset that has so many fans. What do I need to do?? I can have crazy opinions and be a pompous asshole, I guess. Dammit.

        I didn’t realize until right now he wrote the 50 Shades of Grey article I read last month. Ugh, fail.

      3. UGH! I just remembered him saying he had 20,000 views in hour, or a day, or something. That’s where I got the tens of thousands estimate from. He likes to passive-aggressively brag about his following. (And lack of education.)

      4. @Tempest – your potential tens of thousands of followers are waiting for you to turn into a clickbait whore. Please don’t.

        @manda – Where does he find people to agree with him? Easy – all the closedminded folks who are more interested in being judgmental and holier-than-thou just want to get their pat on the back and don’t want to use their mind to actually understand things.

  1. He always bugs me when he writes about sex. First because he’s so arrogant and smug. Second because he’s (at least) half wrong. He talks about how awesome married sex is and how not-awesome not-married sex is as if it’s something universal and absolute.

    I will say that married sex with a great husband is the best sex ever (for me). So on that part he’s right. But married sex with my abusive ex was the worst sex ever. And all of the sex I had outside of those two marriages (ranging from one-night stands to actual relationships) was 100% hands-down better than the sex in my first marriage.

    But of course, our dear Mr. Walsh, having never had sex without being married, wouldn’t know what sex with a non-spouse is ACTUALLY like. Of course it doesn’t stop him from talking about how he knows ALL about it – and that REALLY pisses me off.

    1. I had no idea Matt Walsh was a person, so I’m amazed there are so many people who know who he is.
      I hate when people speak in absolutes on something they don’t know anything about. Did you see the comments on there? It’s all people talking about how they have all these adults family members who are virgins and they are all so proud (no way everyone is telling the truth).
      It seems like Walsh knows a lot about things he has no experience in.

      1. It would be one thing if he would stick to actual facts we could debate.

        Example: “Abstinence before marriage is God’s will.”

        That I can work with – we could actually discuss whether or not that’s the case (assuming that is something you care about). Such an absolute truth exists (or doesn’t exist) independently of the principles of interpersonal dynamics.

        But what he actually says is: “Anyone who doesn’t abstain before marriage has horrible sex and on top of that their entire marriage is corrupted because they’re not pure.”

        Experience is not universal, and if you’re going to prattle on about “absolute truths” you really ought to know that.

  2. Abstinence does fail most of the time but it is still is Gods’ best for us. God rewards delayed gratification when we honor Him by giving us an incredible partner and fully satisfying sex life. I am one who failed in this but Gods’ Word says it’s so as do many Christian couples whom I’ve met. Next marriage will be my last and worth the wait.

    1. “God rewards delayed gratification when we honor Him by giving us an incredible partner and fully satisfying sex life.”

      This may come as a shock to you, but God (and life) is not some cosmic vending machine. You don’t insert abstinence into life and receive great marital sex the way you insert a dollar into a vending machine and receive a soda.

      You know how you get great sex? A symmetrical relationship and lots of practice.

  3. Maybe I’m horribly wrong, but I don’t remember any bits about no sex before marriage in The Bible. I DO, however, remember Lot fucking his daughters and David murdering another man to bang his wife.

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