Unpopular Opinion: I Don’t Have Anything Valid to Say and I Feel Bad for People Who Read My Writing

Ever read something that just made you want to punch yourself in the face so you wouldn’t have to look at it anymore? Because I have. Today (and many, many times before). My friend pointed me in the direction of an xoJane article by one Jessica Slizewski that I couldn’t even comment on because the comments were disabled. Instead, here’s my frustration for you to enjoy.

A better title?

Jessica Slizewski is clearly a miserable and insufferable person to be around. She starts off the article telling us how she isn’t privileged or part of the 1%, but she managed to graduate without debt — and she’s here to be the condescending voice of reason about why we could have been just like her! Thank God.

Yet somehow, by what most of my friends think was the wave of some fairy godmother’s wand, I graduated college without student loans.

Oh, really? I wonder how. Please tell us!

And while some people say these 18-year-old kids don’t know what they’re getting themselves into, let’s not pretend we don’t know better.

Well actually, Jessica, didn’t your fancy college education teach you that your frontal lobe isn’t fully developed until you’re 25? So if you have a lot of outside pressure from respected adults telling you what to do, aren’t you more likely to do what they suggest? You know instead of using your not yet completely formed frontal lobe to draw an understanding of massive debt?

I worked hard to avoid taking out loans.

What did you do? Did you wait tables? Take the train to New York to strip every weekend? Work as a roofer? Tell us!!!

My wonderful parents and grandmother helped me pay for my education

SHUT THE FUCK UP. You poor, poor baby!! You had to have family that could help you pay for your education? That sounds so difficult. Life must be so fucking rough.

Unlike the majority of my friends who went to schools less than an hour from their parents’ homes and chose to live on campus rather than commute, my college roommates were named Mom and Dad.

Well, I was fucked. My parents wouldn’t let me live with them (for the better) and my dad didn’t have a job. And my grandparents are dead. WHERE DID I GO WRONG?! Did I not have enough seances asking for money?! If only I could work as hard as you did, Jessica, so that my parents and grandparents could have had more money and/or not be dead. Do you have any advice on that??

Imagine the stereotypical American college experience. You pick some private university in the middle of a cornfield with a tuition price of about $36,000 a year, plus room and board, party it up every night since you’ve finally escaped the teenage hellhole known as your family’s home, and stumble into your Symbolism in Harry Potter seminar at 11 a.m. still half-drunk and probably reeking of Icehouse.

Is that what’s going on in college these days?! Harry Potter classes?? What’s Icehouse?? I DON’T EVEN KNOW I DID COLLEGE WRONG STUDYING ARABIC RUINS ALL THE FUN. I think the problem here is less about student loans and more about stupid choices in classes. Like, Sallie Mae doesn’t audit your course schedule.

You join a sorority, get vomit in your hair more times than you’re willing to admit publicly, and spend half the day on whatever flavor-of-the-week social media site the guy you currently like is active on.

Okay. I don’t understand what loans have to do with anything here other than sorority dues. Also, what the fuck is “whatever flavor-of-the-week social media site”? Do you not understand that most forms of SM have been around for a long time? Did your parents ban Facebook and Twitter so you think they’re new? Idiot.

You might have even been able to — gasp — live with your parents.

But I wasn’t. Sooo…now what?

You thought your college roommates were weird? Try living with a mother who has a disturbing penchant for singing Chris Brown and LMFAO songs and accidentally throws a Sharpie in the dryer with your load of freshly washed (and now ruined) clothes.
 Tehe! Your family gets along it’s so cute omg hehe!
Um, guess fucking what. My family is like a nightmare disaster when we all live together. If only it was fun and games (disclaimer: I get along fabulously with my entire family when I don’t live with them). Try being 21 and grounded from your own laptop. That’d be more accurate.
Remember that friend you had who went through a different boyfriend each week? This habit of constantly picking up something new applies to my father, but in the form of hobbies, not college-aged jocks
OMG. I’m having a realization. You’re such a condescending bitch that you don’t actually have friends other than your parents. What, did not taking out loans keep you from having friends? No, your shitty personality did that.
You may find it’s uncomfortable to invite friends over when they’re home on college breaks as your brother, in an effort to show off his muscles, is in a near-constant state of undress, prompting your father to create a rule that forbids shirtlessness in the kitchen.
More proof you don’t actually have friends. They were all home and in the same situation as you. They just didn’t like you enough to invite you over.
And for the ladies with loans: Do you wish you’d done anything differently during your college years to limit your debt?
Yeah. I’m not an elitist cunt like you are, so I just wish I hadn’t gone to college at all.
I spent the four years of my life designed for partying essentially reliving my high school years. And yes, it was awful.
I’m sorry you’re so bitter. Maybe now you can start throwing up in your hair and getting on social media flavor of the week sites or what the fuck ever.

If you want me to love you forever, you can follow me on Facebook and IG, and subscribe to my YouTube channel!

24 thoughts on “Unpopular Opinion: I Don’t Have Anything Valid to Say and I Feel Bad for People Who Read My Writing”

  1. So her solution is live with your parents who will use the fact they paid for your schooling as a means to control you like a teenager? What an insufferable spoiled brat!! If my parents had the money and I didn’t have 6 out of control brothers I might have went to college and lived at home. But they didn’t and I couldn’t. I was also terrified of debt so I didn’t take out loans, tried to pay for classes as I could afford them and currently only have 25 credits to a degree it turns out I don’t need to be successful. I do wish things were different and I could have finished a degree with or without loans because I think it would be helpful. However not having loans cause your family paid for you, isn’t leverage to tell the rest of us how to do it.

    1. I guess you’d have to off your siblings. Or maybe just write about how embarrassing they are so we can feel your pain and suffer through your journey with you.
      You and me both, sister. And we’re doing better than plenty of fancy pants graduates that I know :)

  2. I lived at Maryland and worked and borrowed money and ended up living at home the last year. I got a great education and got drunk and was in the bands (f%^k Duke!). I would like to punch this wench in the face as well!

  3. Translation: Here’s what worked for me so therefore it will obviously work for everyone else. Y’all are just stupid for having different lives than me.

    I had left an abusive marriage and had two kids when I went back to (and finished!) college. I did have some public assistance and VA benefits for money, but they weren’t enough to pay for college (tuition AND textbooks), pay my rent, and put food on the table. So guess what I did? I paid for college the only way I could – with loans. 10 years later I’m off public assistance, working, own a house, and still managing to feed my kids. So, yeah – cost/benefit wise, taking out the student loans was one of my best decisions ever.

    1. Exactly. It’s like she doesn’t take into consideration anything but her own situation. I didn’t go to college at 18…the hell I would’ve moved back home to go to school, even if I had been welcomed.
      I’m sure it would have been a better decision to get your parents to pay for it ;)

  4. Also: It’s nice that she gets along with her parents. I’m happy for her and I envy her. But some of us have very toxic relationships with our parents. I couldn’t have lived with them and kept my sanity.

  5. Wow. I also had no loans for my undergrad – but that was because my mother had very little when we left my dad, so the government offered me tons of grant money. I still have loan debt, from grad school, because I knew one degree wasn’t good enough for my field.

    But I would never presume that my way was “the way” to go to college. I got lucky. She’s just an asshole who seems to have never experienced economic hardship or true familial strife. Sure, I could have lived with my dad – and risked subjecting myself to his abusive behavior. I could have lived with my Mam – and risked having the electricity cut off on the night a paper is due.

    That girl is so privileged, she’s never had to look up the meaning of the word.

  6. The point at which she stops being relevant is when she says she had help from Mom, Dad, and grandparents. You’re not going it on your own if you have the support of the family and graduating with no student debt when you have parents to subsidize your living expenses isn’t an accomplishment. Why don’t you go ask for a pat on the back from Mom and Dad, too?

  7. I have $56k in student loans from Sallie Mae, they completely suck. They are frustrating as hell to call, auto deduction is complete bull shit, and their website is infuriating as all get out.

    That being said I have a great job, bought a house at 22, and have a new car. All without parental support. So bite me bitch from xojane.

  8. I can see that free education of hers really taught her to be tactful and nonjudgmental. Oh wait, those things aren’t taught in “Symbolism in Harry Potter” class, never mind.

    This xojane article is just so unnecessary. What a piece of click-bait bullshit. I mean, yeah, if you were lucky enough to graduate without loans/not take them out at all, don’t spend all your waking minutes feeling sorry for the people who did. BUT ALSO DON’T WRITE AN ARTICLE DEMEANING THEM. How about an article applauding all the people who work towards a better education and a better life? Or one that points out how ridiculous the price tag of a college education is?! My god, this girl is basically everything that is wrong with the world.

  9. “Oh, really? I wonder how. Please tell us!”
    She did. Staying at home, working on campus and off, and selecting a cheaper college.
    You are the miserable one, and since misery loves company, you attack her for telling people how to avoid becoming miserably debt ridden.

    And unlike your article, which I stopped reading almost immediately, her article was read in its entirety. You might consider the possibility that it is you who has nothing valid to say.

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