Ever read something that just made you want to punch yourself in the face so you wouldn’t have to look at it anymore? Because I have. Today (and many, many times before). My friend pointed me in the direction of an xoJane article by one Jessica Slizewski that I couldn’t even comment on because the comments were disabled. Instead, here’s my frustration for you to enjoy.
UNPOPULAR OPINION: I DON’T HAVE STUDENT LOANS AND I DON’T FEEL BAD FOR PEOPLE WHO DO
A better title?
UNPOPULAR OPINION: I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING VALID TO SAY AND I FEEL BAD FOR PEOPLE WHO READ MY WRITING
Jessica Slizewski is clearly a miserable and insufferable person to be around. She starts off the article telling us how she isn’t privileged or part of the 1%, but she managed to graduate without debt — and she’s here to be the condescending voice of reason about why we could have been just like her! Thank God.
Yet somehow, by what most of my friends think was the wave of some fairy godmother’s wand, I graduated college without student loans.
Oh, really? I wonder how. Please tell us!
And while some people say these 18-year-old kids don’t know what they’re getting themselves into, let’s not pretend we don’t know better.
Well actually, Jessica, didn’t your fancy college education teach you that your frontal lobe isn’t fully developed until you’re 25? So if you have a lot of outside pressure from respected adults telling you what to do, aren’t you more likely to do what they suggest? You know instead of using your not yet completely formed frontal lobe to draw an understanding of massive debt?
I worked hard to avoid taking out loans.
What did you do? Did you wait tables? Take the train to New York to strip every weekend? Work as a roofer? Tell us!!!
My wonderful parents and grandmother helped me pay for my education
SHUT THE FUCK UP. You poor, poor baby!! You had to have family that could help you pay for your education? That sounds so difficult. Life must be so fucking rough.
Unlike the majority of my friends who went to schools less than an hour from their parents’ homes and chose to live on campus rather than commute, my college roommates were named Mom and Dad.
Well, I was fucked. My parents wouldn’t let me live with them (for the better) and my dad didn’t have a job. And my grandparents are dead. WHERE DID I GO WRONG?! Did I not have enough seances asking for money?! If only I could work as hard as you did, Jessica, so that my parents and grandparents could have had more money and/or not be dead. Do you have any advice on that??
Imagine the stereotypical American college experience. You pick some private university in the middle of a cornfield with a tuition price of about $36,000 a year, plus room and board, party it up every night since you’ve finally escaped the teenage hellhole known as your family’s home, and stumble into your Symbolism in Harry Potter seminar at 11 a.m. still half-drunk and probably reeking of Icehouse.
Is that what’s going on in college these days?! Harry Potter classes?? What’s Icehouse?? I DON’T EVEN KNOW I DID COLLEGE WRONG STUDYING ARABIC RUINS ALL THE FUN. I think the problem here is less about student loans and more about stupid choices in classes. Like, Sallie Mae doesn’t audit your course schedule.
You join a sorority, get vomit in your hair more times than you’re willing to admit publicly, and spend half the day on whatever flavor-of-the-week social media site the guy you currently like is active on.
Okay. I don’t understand what loans have to do with anything here other than sorority dues. Also, what the fuck is “whatever flavor-of-the-week social media site”? Do you not understand that most forms of SM have been around for a long time? Did your parents ban Facebook and Twitter so you think they’re new? Idiot.
You might have even been able to — gasp — live with your parents.
But I wasn’t. Sooo…now what?
You thought your college roommates were weird? Try living with a mother who has a disturbing penchant for singing Chris Brown and LMFAO songs and accidentally throws a Sharpie in the dryer with your load of freshly washed (and now ruined) clothes.
Tehe! Your family gets along it’s so cute omg hehe!
Um, guess fucking what. My family is like a nightmare disaster when we all live together. If only it was fun and games (disclaimer: I get along fabulously with my entire family when I don’t live with them). Try being 21 and grounded from your own laptop. That’d be more accurate.
Remember that friend you had who went through a different boyfriend each week? This habit of constantly picking up something new applies to my father, but in the form of hobbies, not college-aged jocks
OMG. I’m having a realization. You’re such a condescending bitch that you don’t actually have friends other than your parents. What, did not taking out loans keep you from having friends? No, your shitty personality did that.
You may find it’s uncomfortable to invite friends over when they’re home on college breaks as your brother, in an effort to show off his muscles, is in a near-constant state of undress, prompting your father to create a rule that forbids shirtlessness in the kitchen.
More proof you don’t actually have friends. They were all home and in the same situation as you. They just didn’t like you enough to invite you over.
And for the ladies with loans: Do you wish you’d done anything differently during your college years to limit your debt?
Yeah. I’m not an elitist cunt like you are, so I just wish I hadn’t gone to college at all.
I spent the four years of my life designed for partying essentially reliving my high school years. And yes, it was awful.
I’m sorry you’re so bitter. Maybe now you can start throwing up in your hair and getting on social media flavor of the week sites or what the fuck ever.