If You Knock it Up, You Gotta Put a Ring On It – But Discreetly and Without Gifts (And Other Life Lessons from Sheila Kihne)

Sheila Kihne is a crazy person running for office in Minnesota. She’s got good old fashioned family values, and she wants you to know about important things — like how you’re a whore if you get pregnant without being married.

Crazy Sheila
Crazy Sheila

So let’s go through her blog a little bit. I only see entries from 2008-2009, but it’s a goldmine. First, she teaches us how to handle baby shower invitations. Isn’t it the worst thing in the world when some slut has evil premarital sex, and then gets knocked up and has a baby shower???? #FirstWorldProblems

Don’t you think that if you’re having a baby- and you’re not married- that you should forego the shower?

Of course!! Those selfish bitches, making the decision to not abort their babies and instead raise them….they shouldn’t be given any gifts!!!!! Other than maybe a pamphlet about Jesus.

I also think that if you get married- and are knocked up- you should get married quietly. At a courthouse, at a private home. There should be no 1. Dance 2. Dinner.

Yes, do the right thing. Don’t shame everyone with your big belly and public exchange of vows. What the fuck is this?? Should we instead all dress in black and follow our slutty friends to the courthouse, in mourning for the wretched world as otherwise good people succumb to the evil of sex outside of marriage?

There are more kinds of birth control available today then lipstick shades. If you don’t want to get pregnant- you don’t. This is crossing all socio-economic lines and education levels it seems to me.

Seems to me like this bitch needs to learn how to Google. I hope she doesn’t make any policy decisions based on what she feels, since births to single mothers go from 68.9% of all births to those making under $10,000, to 9% of births for those making over $200,000 a year. A similar decline in percentage happens between those who have less than a high school education down to those that have a bachelors or more. Seems to me, maybe it’s the crappy abstinence only education children are receiving. But what do I know?

She then goes on to say that it’s partly because the Boomers don’t encourage their children to put their nasty wedlock babies up for adoption. Instead, they chip in and emotionally and financially support their grandkids. Bizarrely, Kihne wraps up her thought process on the Boomers with this:

My rule is- if I don’t have to pay for your daycare, then do what you want.

What? The fuck? You obviously don’t think people should do what they want, since you are writing a blog dictating how husbandless girls should handle their baby showers. You fucking nut.

marriage is no longer seen as an institution- but an excuse to have a wedding

I’ll give you that. I don’t want to sign a paper saying, “I legally love you,” but I do want to throw one hell of a party and ceremony.

When somebody gets knocked up- without being married- you’re just supposed to hop on board. You’re not allowed to say a thing- it’s none of your business of course- but when it comes time for baby showers and weddings, rest-assured you’re going to be on the invite list.

I’d like your address, Ms. Kihne. I don’t plan on ever having a baby or ever being legally married. But if I ever get knocked up, I want to invite you to my abortion party. You might find it in better taste.

Next we learn how to save the poor. She determined that she could take the $12,000 extra she’ll have to pay in taxes, and give $3,000 to 4 families. The catch? Well, a contract with her. Because she is God.

you will submit a 1, 5, 10 and 20 year career plan- I will tell you if it’s workable- if it’s not, I’ll come up with one for you

Based on how knowledgeable she is on statistics of unmarried pregnant women, I’d assume she knows everything about it all. I also assume she knows a lot about what it’s like to be super poor and what your actual viable options are.

you will not own any of the following items (if you do, you’ll immediately sell them) an iPod, a flat screen television, video games, a computer or any designer clothing

Ah, yes. Let’s dictate what the poor are entitled to. And I hear that electronics really retain their value…you bought a $1,200 iMac 5 years ago? I bet it’s worth even more now! Good thing college kids don’t need computers, and good thing handwritten resumes are 100% acceptable! Now wear your Walmart shoes, talk on your flip phone (which you can only have if it’s cheaper than a landline), and bow down to me!

6. you will work at least 60 hours a week
7. any children 12 or over will have a job to contribute to the household income

Yes, for the low low bargain charitable donation of $3,000 you can have a child slave!!! Hell, you can have the parent work 60 hours a week cleaning your house and the child working 40!! I hear that 12 year olds are often hired for more than legal minimum wage. Oh wait, they aren’t. Maybe we could amend 7 to “sell any child under 12 to the black market.” I mean, working 60 hours a week…you’ll never see them anyway.

 you will not go out to eat for the duration of the year- nor will you see a movie or get your nails or hair done (you can do it at home)

GOOD! THERE IS NO RELAXING WHEN YOU’RE POOR. NEVER. “Daddy, I want to go see Frozen! All my friends are going!” “SHUT UP, SALLY. GET BACK TO WORK OR I’LL SELL YOU LIKE YOUR SISTER.”

12. if you live anywhere near a bus line– you will sell your car immediately

So you won’t be waiting tables, because you won’t be able to get home after work!

13. you will ensure that your children are performing well at school and work with their teachers in any possible way to make them successful- if they need tutoring- we will find the resources to do it

Unless they have to type a report. Then they’re fucked.

Seriously. What the hell.

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Published by

mandawritesthings

Give me coffee.

8 thoughts on “If You Knock it Up, You Gotta Put a Ring On It – But Discreetly and Without Gifts (And Other Life Lessons from Sheila Kihne)”

  1. Love your stuff! I’d love to hear Crazy Sheila’s rebuttal, I’m sure she would have you going straight to Hell.

  2. How completely bizarre! Hard to believe people like this exist, and yet they do. We have strange people where I come from too. They also expect to be taken seriously, which is even more terrifying. Well done on digging this out, Manda – I love your blog!

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