No, I Really Don’t Want Kids — I Think I Would Know

There has never been a day in my life when I thought I would want children.  My entire life, the thought of pregnancy has repelled me. It’s like I’m missing something in my genetic composition that makes other women go, “Yes, it would be beautiful to push a human out of my vagina.” I don’t associate love or a relationship with procreation; I simply don’t associate procreating with my life. My impression from many people  I know who do want children is that they thought about growing up and saw their future with their spouse and their kids and their white picket fence. Throw in an office job, and that is exactly what I would see if I sat down and imagined my hell.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to not be offended by people’s reactions to hearing I want to remain childfree, but over time I’ve come to realize I have a right to be offended. Lots of people tell me that it isn’t normal, and that doesn’t really offend me. “How can you know?” doesn’t even bother me too much — I imagine if I talked to someone who was completely asexual or something else I couldn’t personally imagine, I might be curious. But here’s the problem.

Do you know how people find out I don’t want kids? 99% of the time, it’s because they make an assumption. They tell me about what I’ll learn when I have kids, or they ask me how I’ll continue to live in Texas while my boyfriend lives in Maryland when we have all the babies, or they’ll ask how many kids I want. I always correct them. For as long as I can remember, even at the tender age of 8, I corrected them. The desire to have a child is so far removed from who I am that I reflexively correct people who assume I want one, probably the same way you would correct someone who mispronounced your name.

When I was a child myself, everyone told me I would change my mind. The joys of motherhood and biological clocks and whatever. Right now, I’m telling every single person reading this: do not do this. Even if you firmly believe the little girl looking up at you saying she doesn’t want kids can’t possibly know that, keep that opinion to yourself. By second guessing a woman’s decision to go against the grain, you’re encouraging a culture that shames her, and it’s wrong. You’re encouraging her to give in to a mate later on, one who might be compatible with her in every single way except his desire to have kids. And having kids because you love someone and you’ve been taught you have a biological clock that will kick in and make you change your mind on the issue? That’s a fucking mistake if I ever heard one.

If you’re reading this, you won’t be shocked to learn that even at the age of 26, people still question whether or not I actually know what I want. You’re likely either nodding your head in agreement or shaking it in disbelief. My parents, my sister, my best friend, my boyfriend — these are the people that know me best, and for all but one have known me for well over a decade. They don’t question me. It’s always some new acquaintance or a total stranger that feels the need to condescendingly tell me I’ll change my mind, or that they used to feel that way until they had a joyous little accident. Fuck you. You are rude as hell, and you might as well tell me to smile while you insult me.

I’ve made my stance on abortion pretty clear, I think. Lots of people are pro-choice and aren’t of the childfree mindset themselves. I’m sure that plenty of women have abortions because the timing or situation was wrong, and go on to have kids later in life. I’m sure plenty of people get pregnant and keep the child even though everything about the situation is wrong — maybe they end up happy, maybe not. For me, keeping abortion legal is so important to me because I don’t know if I would survive a pregnancy. If sketchy, unlicensed basement procedures were the only option and I was accidentally pregnant, I would take the risk. If I found out I was pregnant too late to abort, I would personally go through any means in an attempt to end the pregnancy. In general, I would not describe myself as depressed; I think I’m happy and well adjusted. If I suddenly am forced to carry a child, I very seriously recommend putting me on suicide watch.

Honestly, I wish I could explain it — the complete emptiness I feel inside imagining life as a mother. It’s similar to the way I feel imagining life with a female life partner: I cannot comprehend the appeal, I have no emotional connection to the idea, and in my mind’s eye, I become a stranger to myself. When you tell someone who feels this that they will change their minds, you’re acting like you know more about that person than you do.  You’re wrong.

I don’t care if other people have kids — my roommate has one and he’s great! I just care about myself, and my sanity. I don’t go up to women who are 6 months pregnant and ask them if they are sure they’re ready; in return, I expect that people leave me alone about my decision. If you’ve recently had a kid, don’t let your baby crazy feelings accidentally turn into condescending feelings when you talk to your friends. Just because it’s a good life decision for you, doesn’t mean it’s good for everyone.

Yes, even in this picture I knew I wasn't reproducing!
Yes, even in this picture I knew I wasn’t reproducing!

Subscribe to my blog and follow me on Facebook and Twitter for more of my thoughts on life. You might enjoy some of my other posts:
I Hate Flying so Much I Cannot Even
My Boobs Don’t Need Your Husband to See Them
Unpopular Opinion: I Don’t Have Anything Valid to Say & I Feel Bad for People Who Read my Writing

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I Hate Flying So Much I Cannot Even

Airports are like malls: it’s scientifically proven the second you step foot in either of these buildings, you immediately lose 15 IQ points. There isn’t much I hate more than flying. It’s probably the only thing I both despise and routinely subject myself to. I don’t mind the actual experience of being in the plane, it’s just every other aspect of flying.

How I solve my flying woes
How I solve my flying woes

TSA Precheck
Thanks to all the hours I have dedicated to being in the sky, I usually get Precheck — I’m allowed to leave my laptop and liquids in my bag, and I don’t have to take off my shoes. Seems great, right? Too bad some genius decided to grant Precheck to two kinds of people: those of us who fly all of the time, and really, REALLY old people who have no idea WTF is going on. What a great plan! Combine the most efficient flyers with the most inefficient flyers, and put them all in a special line together!! It’s embarrassing for one group, and frustrating for the other.

Overhead Bins + Late Arrival = Meltdown
There are two reasons I board the plane immediately: one, so I can have overhead bin space. Two, so I can sit in my seat and sip on a gin and tonic while watching my fellows passengers have total fucking mental breakdowns when their luggage won’t fit, instead of standing behind them. Without my calming cocktail, I will definitely run commentary.  Also, no, you cannot take other people’s shit out of the bins to make yours fit. I sincerely wish I was a thief so I could steal shit from people who put their bags at the front of the plane, no where near their seat. Good job, asshole. Now you’re blocking space for people sitting in the section your shit is in.

If you’re a frequent flyer, you check your bag for free. If you are a once a year vacationer, just pony up the $50 round trip and check a single bag for your entire family. Or — and this is going to be shocking advice — if you have a rolling suitcase, make sure it isn’t fucking huge. And hasn’t everyone at some point done a puzzle? Why do people insist on putting luggage in the bins in a way that takes up the most possible space? Oh, probably because they are the same selfish people that are guilty of….

Blatant Disregard for Personal Space
Oh I see you really like to BE IN ALL OF THE SEATS. Or you really like to talk to me. Or you like to put your feet fucking everywhere. Have you tried taking up only ONE seat? Have you tried not talking to me? Or maybe putting your feet under the seat in front of YOU, and not the seat in front of ME?

Middle seat, IMO, gets priority to the armrests. Even if you don’t agree with me, the human in the middle seat isn’t a post for you to lean on. GO AWAY.

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!
This is the worst person at the airport — at least I can chalk a lot of people’s behavior up to not knowing WTF is going on at the airport. But the DYKWIA person…they make sure you know they fly. Do I know who you are? Yes. You are a fucking asshole. BYE FELICIA.  And since I am so young and yet fly so often (and I don’t ever dress up to fly, because f that), I feel like the DYKWIAs really just gravitate toward me. I’m constantly being told by other customers that I’m in the wrong line, whether it’s check in or boarding. I’m sorry, did you get your elite status because you volunteer as the fucking line police for the airline?  Fuck. You.

Last December my best friend and I went to Miami together. We got a complimentary upgrade to first class for the return FLL – DCA flight. They called for first to board, so we…went to board. My ticket was scanned without problems, and then suddenly this dude just barreled past my friend and shoves his ticket in the GAs hand.
GA: Sir, what are you doing?
DYKWIA: I’M FIRST CLASS.
GA: So is she [points to my friend].
DYKWIA: Oh. Oh. Go ahead.
My Friend: No, it’s okay. You can go.
Meanwhile, I’m just standing there watching all this happen thinking what the fuck is wrong with people. WE WERE STANDING IN THE FIRST CLASS/ELITE LINE. I’ll be damned if I’m trading in my standard flying attire of cowboy boots and leggings so people don’t act like assholes to me.

Then there is the credit card holder DYKWIA. This person doesn’t actually fly often, but they do pay $95 a year in fees and a high APR to get some of the perks of frequent flying. When I moved to Dallas, I bought a one way first class ticket for about $300 — it was cheaper to do it that way and get 3 free checked bags than it was to book the regular fare and pay for my 3 bags ($25, $35, and $150, respectively). There I am, the day after Christmas, hungover out of my mind, hiding behind a big fluffy coat and sunglasses, moving halfway across the country to a city where I don’t know anyone. This dude with his family is in front of me in line to board the plane, and the GA takes his boarding pass and says, “I’m sorry, sir — we’re only boarding first class pax now.” The man proceeded to lose his fucking mind. I shit you not, he actually said, “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I HAVE A CREDIT CARD WITH YOUR AIRLINE.  I GET TO BOARD EARLY.” The GA agreed that yes he did, but after first class. “SO BECAUSE I DIDN’T PAY ALL OF THAT MONEY FOR FIRST I CAN’T GET ON THE PLANE NOW?” And then he pointed at me! Poor, hungover, trying not to vomit on him, me.
DYKWIA: Did you buy a first class ticket?!
Me: Yes.
DYKWIA:  BUYING A FIRST CLASS TICKET IS STUPID.
Me: Paying an annual credit card fee is stupid.
I don’t think I helped the situation, but I got to go sit down in my stupid seat…and no one asked me to sign up for the CC on my flight.

Lap Children AKA Feet in YOUR Lap Children or Floor Children
What a cute baby you have! He’s so big for his age. I’m so glad that on this 3 hour flight you’ve decided to keep him on your lap even though he doesn’t fit and is blatantly too big. It have never, ever been stuck next to a lap child, but I have definitely seen them next to others when the child was too big for a lap. In fact, the first time I went to Dallas, I went on vacation with my best friend (we travel). We got stuck because Sandy shut down the DC airports, and were able to manage two spots on the first post-Sandy flight out of DFW. My poor best friend got stuck next to a lap child that was way too big for his  mother’s lap, with the child’s entire head hanging over onto my friend’s lap. Taking into account the storm situation, and because she is a saint, she didn’t say anything to anyone. I would have lost my fucking mind.

Before you bring a lap child on a plane, think about whether you really want to sit with a child on your lap for hours. You fucking don’t. How do I know? Because I have seen children who were clearly too old (2) be forced to be lap kids, and they end up spending their time running amok or playing on the floor or bothering other pax. Look, you have a kid and that’s cool. I don’t want to talk to you or your child. Just get them a fucking seat of their own.

Gate Lice
Do you think if you get on the plane first, something magical happens? Do you think that the first people on the plane get free hookers and cocaine? Do you think you get an award because you’re zone 5 and you got on the plane with zone 1? Do you think they don’t let you on if you’re not crowded around the gate? No? Then why are you crowding the gate when you’re in the last zone to board?  Look, just back the fuck off until you’re supposed to be boarding. “Oh, they said they’re starting to board anyone who needs assistance!! Better go make my presence known at the gate since I’m in zone 6! Six sounds like I’ll be first, right?!” NO. All you’re doing is being in the way of everyone who is supposed to get on the plane before you. At least wait until the zone before you is being called, instead of jumping 7 steps ahed.

THIS IS YOUR FAULT
Flights get delayed, plans get changed. It sucks, I know. Lost luggage, canceled flights, hours on the tarmac — I’ve been there, it blows. But do you know who isn’t responsible for any of those things? The person you’re interacting with at the airport. You know that dreaded moment when you’re on the plane, waiting to go, and then they decide to deplane? Suddenly your fellow pax think they’re in the Hunger Games, using their lap children and giant rolling suitcases as weaponary to push others out of the way, all in the quest to be the first person to talk to the GA. Since I don’t carry more than a bookbag, I usually make it off the plane pretty early. Not too long ago I was third in line after a deplaning. Only one GA was working to reschedule us, and the people directly in front of me were, quite frankly, evil. It was a man and his teenage daughter, and they were BOTH loudly complaining about how inconvenienced they were, how slow and bad at her job the GA was (they kept pointing at her!), and how they were NEVER FUCKING FLYING US AIRWAYS AGAIN. Everything was said loudly, and the GA and every other person in a 20  foot radius heard them. They were pretty much running their own sitcom routine, except not funny. It took almost all of my strength to not record them. Instead, I behaved like a normal, rational person and looked up another flight on American that would get me where I needed to be.  Like, is it rocket science to realize that being an asshole will get you nowhere, and being responsible and polite and presenting a solution will get you to your destination faster?

I have to go take a Xanax now. I’m upset just thinking about it, and I don’t even have to fly again for like 2 more weeks.

My unimpressed flying face.
My unimpressed flying face.

Revenge Porn: Legal. Not Returning Engagement Ring After Fiance Cheats on You: Illegal

I’m pretty libertarian, and in general I’m against making more laws and restricting freedoms — unless, of course, what you’re doing is violating someone else’s rights by posting your ex’s naked photos all over the internet. If you aren’t supporting the movement to legally punish those who distribute revenge porn, you’re a fucking asshole.

Don’t we have laws in place that keep you from using someone’s likeness or photograph for profit without compensating them for it? So if my boyfriend and I have sex on camera and he films it and sells it without telling me — at the very least, isn’t he committing some kind of crime by not giving me my due compensation?

I always have big hopes for my party, but sometimes I feel like the focus is too much on your right to do WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT. Unless you’re an anarchist, it’s important in law making to remember that there are rights you inherently have by being a person. (If you don’t believe in any government, you need to remember it’s my right to blow your goddamn brains out for sharing my titties without my permission.)

Maybe there can be a really awesome world, where when you send a sext you first demand confirmation from the receiver that they will not post it anywhere without your permission, and that they will delete it upon break up. Actually (and maybe I’m just a killjoy), wouldn’t most rational women say “promise you won’t show anyone?” or something similar? I would. Can that count?

Let’s say you and I are dating. Things are going well, and you end up doing your taxes on my computer for whatever reason. When we break up, can I send copies of your SSN to all of my friends? NO. Why the hell not?!

When an engagement is broken off, the woman has to return the engagement ring. When a relationship is broken off, the man should have to delete the goddamn picture.

VOTE OR DIE

Yesterday I assumed that most people would be able to comprehend my point that people should be educated on issues before they vote. Apparently I was wrong; guess it’s time to clear things up.

I rarely make blanket statements, but encouraging people to vote and not encouraging them to try to understand what they’re voting on makes you an asshole.

If you’re a radio DJ or a musical artist or an actress and you tell listeners or fans to vote just for the sake of voting, and you throw in a few comments about your political agenda, you are evil.

If you fight me on encouraging the masses to educate themselves before they vote (or to abstain if they aren’t comfortable with the amount of knowledge they do or do not have), it seems like you are encouraging blind, uneducated voting for your own agenda.

Voting isn’t a bicep. It doesn’t get stronger as a practice because you exercise it. Your political influence gets stronger when you educate yourself on the issues you’re voting on. When you can explain your points. Why are so many in our society focused on encouraging voting itself, and so quick to discourage anyone who talks about education?

Imagine you only went to class in college or high school, and never did the reading or studied or wrote a single paper. Would you deserve an A? Would you get better at school or learning if you simply showed up and didn’t do any of the things you were supposed to do? No. It’s ridiculous to suggest otherwise.

If people want to point fingers at the GOP, let’s not forget to point our fingers at the other party. The party that leads campaigns about rocking the votes and oh yeah — here’s our agenda. Vote for it. 

We wonder why we’re so uninformed, but that answer is obvious. We are taught to push the agendas of those who are in any position of power, and we are not taught to be critical thinkers. We are taught to be sheep. Next time you hear about a political issue that interests you, think about the consequences of actions. Think about the possible agendas people might have before you take into account their opinions. Educate yourself. Then, when you know what is going on, head on over to the voting booth.

You Don’t Have to Vote

Almost every single day, people like to bitch and moan about how stupid everyone else is. We read comments on online news articles and wish we could unsee the horrors of stupidity that we have seen. We (I) make blogs about all the ridiculous things people that do that piss us (me) off. We cry about the education system and how Americans are renowned for not knowing anything about geography or own country. We mock entire portions of the country, relying on stereotypes to hate entire cities or states we haven’t even been to (if one more person tells me they hate Texas, I’m going to lose my mind). Then magically, on election day, EVERYONE HAS TO VOTE IT IS YOUR JOB AS AN AMERICAN.

But why? Why isn’t it your job to learn about the issues before you vote on them? Wouldn’t it be more accurate to say it is your civic duty to learn what is going on in the world and only vote if you feel you reasonably comprehend what you’re voting about? Next time, just remember the guys that troll HuffPo comments sections are the same morons you’re encouraging to go to the ballot box. When you see someone say something offensive and ridiculous and out of touch with reality, remember that s/he might have voted, and now we have to hold true to the promise to let them complain.

Who Is Still Eating Fast Food?!

Look, drunk Manda loves a protein style double double from In-N-Out just as much as anyone else, but why does anyone still eat fast food sober? I just don’t get it. Don’t even try telling me it’s because everyone is poor and they don’t have choices — I’ve lived in really shitty areas where I’d rather forage for my own food in the wild than deal with getting shot buying off brand ketchup at Save-a-Lot, but I don’t think that’s the case for the billions served by McDonalds. Unless you’re living in Detroit proper, where chain grocers are a thing of the past and every mom and pop seems to close early, please stop.

Hey, that sure is a nice Lexus you have there. I’m glad you can stylishly drive to the BK Lounge and fill up on mystery meat, all while pumping premium fuel into your luxury vehicle.

My favorite is when people make fun of me for not eating fast food (yeah, that includes Subway). I guess I didn’t get the memo that it makes me uncool when I choose to cook my own taco dinner instead of gouging myself on the Taco Bell version.

One of the last times I ate fast food, I got what was basically the opposite of my order. My best friend got a McDouble that was two buns and no meat. THEY CAN’T EVEN GET THEIR SHITTY FOOD RIGHT. And if you get home before you realize it’s wrong, everyone acts like it’s YOUR fault for not checking. I’m sorry that people who want to get $15/hr can’t do their fucking jobs correctly. I’m sorry that I expect to have some meat on my McDouble instead of 4 slices of bread. How unreasonable of me.

 

I Fucking Hate the Kansas City Royals, and Hosmer is a Douchebag

I fucking hate the Kansas City Royals. I’m really, really glad the Giants won the World Series — and that is a sentence I never thought I would say. I actually thought if the Royals beat us (the Orioles), I’d root for them for them to win it all. Too bad they’ve been nothing but tacky, classless, and douchey.

Eric Hosmer and his facial expressions and yelling have made him my most hated baseball player. I used to think that Carl Crawford and Brycer Harper were the douchiest professional baseball players in the country — boy was I wrong.

Then there’s Guthrie, who has a 4.23 ERA and used to play for the Orioles. He left the city well liked, and got O’s applause at the first game. So what does he do? He wore a t-shirt saying “These O’s ain’t Royal” to a post game press conference. Go fuck yourself, Guthrie. You’re a mediocre pitcher with the worst career ERA on your team. Your postseason success says more about our playing than your pitching. I cannot wait until next year when you go back to being a nothing.

Keep it classy, KC!
Keep it classy, KC!

Next on the douche list would be Jarrod Dyson, who said he didn’t anticipate returning to OPACY after the O’s were down 0-2. Not only that, he didn’t believe the Orioles thought they’d be back, either. You’re 30 years old, you know how to behave. Just stop. Hey, Dyson — remember when you were caught stealing every time you tried? You aren’t even good. Guess what…I could play professional baseball and also have a .000 batting average in the postseason against Baltimore. Good job!

Typically the fanbases I’ve held the most contempt for would be Nats, Red Sox, and Angels. Sometimes Nats fans are shitty to me since I’m from Alexandria and like the Orioles (because…16 years of loyalty should be abandoned…why?). But I’ve never had a Nats fan in Maryland tell me not to like the O’s. So why did I get multiple people who were suddenly Kansas City fans (and total fucking strangers) pointing at my Orioles phone case and making fun of me? Motherfucker, you are IN MARYLAND. GO HOME.  At least I dislike Angels fans based on going to games in Anaheim, and no one likes Red Sox fans. You know when really poor people win the lottery and then they get addicted to meth and die? Now begins the meth addiction phase of the Royals, and I say good riddance. I cannot wait until you hit rock bottom. Bye Felicia!

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