Why I Chose to Now Wear Chaps and Bikini Tops

In response to Veronica Partridge, who is never wearing leggings again to help keep men from thinking she’s hot…but has no problem putting make up on her pretty face and styling her hair so nicely.

DISCLAIMER: Let me start off by saying, we all already know I am trying to steal your man with my boobies. It is not enough (I am accepting boob job donations). Today, I’m not telling you what to wear, I’m just sharing my personal story on why I’m ditching leggings for assless chaps and bikini tops.

For the past several months, I have been having a conviction weighing heavy on me. I tried to put it aside for as long as I could, but the other day a conversation came up and I had to face it. We were talking about leggings and how when women wear them, men look at them and think, “I wish I could see more.”

I went home later that day and shared the convictions I was having with a close female friend. Was it possible our wearing leggings could cause men, other than our spiritual partners, to think lustfully about our bodies? Her male roommate barged into our conversation and told us that when he sees women in leggings, he tries hard to not look but he can’t help it. “I wonder what it looks like without the taut fabric holding it together,” he told us. “That’s why leggings season is better than shorts season. Sometimes fat bitches or really skinny bitches look better than usual.” I suppose I could have been offended by his shitty way of talking about women, but instead I’ve decided to focus on how bad it must feel to think you’ve found some hot piece of ass that actually is just a saggy, gross ass held up by lululemon, or a flat ass that’s made to look bigger with patterned yoga pants. Surely, if one man says something, he speaks for all men! I cannot chastise them all. 

I instantly felt convictions come over me stronger. After talking to my friends, it really hit me hard. It’s difficult to imagine if someone has an attractive ass without the flattering workout gear over it, so imagine how disappointed these poor men must feel when they when they find out they’ve guessed wrong. Women, it is our duty to relieve men of all responsibility and to hold ourselves accountable for their transgressions.

I made a personal vow to myself. I will no longer wear thin, form fitting leggings. The only time it’s acceptable to wear them now (for myself) is in front of my boyfriend, because I’ve already trapped him into being mine. From now on, I will walk around wearing only chaps and bikini tops. Sure, if a man wants to look, he is going to look, but why entice him if it isn’t what he’s into? I don’t want any false advertising going on! Plus, if less men are attracted to me because my non-legging ass isn’t what they like, then that’s more men that I’m saving from ruining their marriages by lustfully staring at my full-on luon clad rear end.

I know you’re probably thinking that it makes more sense for me to wear baggy pants instead of yoga pants. I thought about that, but I’m not a hypocrite. I’m not willing to forgo going to the beach in a swimsuit or wearing shorts in the 120 degree Texas summer. I thought about wearing a full gown all year, even in the ocean, but the tan lines would be disappointing to my partner and myself (and I can’t afford the heat stroke bill).

I’m not trying to push my ridiculous, hypocritical agenda on anyone else — though I will gladly accept media appearances.

My last hurrah :(
My last hurrah :(

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DC Metro: Nah, I’d Rather Walk. Or Stay Home.

Despite the fact that Metro is the worst, people are constantly telling me that I’m too harsh. Of course, these people are usually tourists or non-commuters, who then tell me that the train worked just fine when they went to that one Nats game that one time, or how when they visited DC it was so easy to get the museums. These people are wrong. Metro is a poorly maintained, poorly run, and overpriced debacle. The small annoyances are so typical I barely think to complain about them: unheated or unbearably overheated cars, constant delays, trains that don’t show up, 19 minute waits for the train you need. The larger annoyances sometimes grab attention, but it takes a death to make a big splash. On Monday of this week, a yellow line train on the DC Metro stopped 800 feet from the station it had just departed and filled with smoke. Passengers sat in the increasingly hot train for about an hour, breathing in the smoke and being told to not open the doors. When paramedics finally showed up, one woman was dead and over 80 needed hospitalization. Monday was not an isolated incident; it was just an example of how inefficient and incompetent Metro is.

It is ridiculously expensive to take Metro for the quality of the service you get. Speaking as someone who frequently pays the extra money to take Amtrak to Alexandria instead of Metro, I’m fine paying more for efficiency.  Metro runs on a system that requires you swipe your card when boarding and then again when exiting, running prices on a sliding scale based on distance. To get from the heart of the city to Franconia-Springfield is $5.75; if it was my daily commute, that would total $16.35 for round trip and $4.85 parking (interestingly, the stations in Prince George’s County are $5.10 — despite being far less crowded). Doesn’t WMATA have a responsibility to make using Metro worth $16.35, or at least make Metro convenient enough that you’re fine leaving the comfort of your car? You’d think.

Dupont South, from http://unsuckdcmetro.blogspot.com/
Dupont South, from http://unsuckdcmetro.blogspot.com/

Paying $16.35 a day, would you expect to have to hike up 188 foot long escalator? If you’re a Washingtonian, the answer is “yes.” The DuPont South escalator is the worst. The escalators at all stations are constantly out, and sometimes the elevators are too. Are you disabled? Metro doesn’t appear to give a shit about you.

Maybe if you were one of the passengers stranded just steps from L’Enfant Plaza, you’d think that you were entitled to just get the hell out of the station once you were being evacuated.  Nope! I know it isn’t typically the most reliable source, but people reported on Twitter that they were still forced to scan their card and wait for the exit to open for each evacuee (the same person said she told the news and they didn’t report on it).

On Monday, the smoke in the train was caused by arcing.  While it produced a massive amount of smoke, it didn’t cause a fire. Of course, people on the train don’t know this. As usual, Metro didn’t tell the passengers the information they needed (and deserved) to know. The one thing they did communicate was to stay in the train — despite being only 800 feet from the station/freedom. Even though all of the emergency signs say to exit on the side of the tunnel where the lights are (away from the electric third rail), passengers weren’t allowed to exit, and the firefighters couldn’t figure out if the third rail was on or off to get to the victims. But this makes a lot more sense when you look at Metro’s Standard Operating Procedures and realize that….they don’t actually have a plan.

6.5.3.4.  If the Train Operator was not able to reverse from the heavy smoke, the ROCC Supervisor shall:  6.5.2.4.1. FUCKING PANIC
6.5.3.4. If the Train Operator was not able to reverse from the heavy smoke, the ROCC Supervisor shall:
6.5.3.4.1. ???????????????????????????

You’d think that Metro would put into their rules what they would do when there is a lot of smoke, since this isn’t a new problem.  According to WMATA, arcing insulators occur about twice a month, though IMO that number seems like it’s low. The day after the L’Enfant Plaza incident, sparks and smoke were reported at the Gallery Place stop. All locals remember in 2013, when a  Green Line train had a problem with arcing — and everyone was told to spend hours stuck in the trains, without power. Riders started to “rebel” by self evacuating. Not only did Metro not approve, they wondered if they could arrest people for freeing themselves. What. The. Fuck.

To be fair, “sit still and do as we say” is the only way Metro has to handle any situation. In July 2012 a train lost power and passengers were told to hang tight…on a 90 degree, muggy DC summer day. Not in a tunnel. While the passengers say they exited after being told to do so by the conductor, Metro claimed that passengers were responsible for being forced to sit so long. Even though the “rescue” train also lost power before the pax self evacuating, apparently the passengers were to blame.

Elevator repair: blocking off the elevator for 6 months and taking breaks.
Escalator repair: blocking off the escalator for 6 months and taking breaks.

Now the union representing the transit people is on Twitter, holding a Q&A…and getting an earful. They linked to a useful PDF about why we shouldn’t privatize the system because people will lose jobs.  In reality,  illiteracy, drug use, and prior convictions run rampant in the staff currently employed by the system…as does extreme overpayment. Anytime you’re interested in a good laugh (or cry), just search Twitter for #wmata so you can see the day’s misery. And remember: it’s DC, so if you’re an American…this is your tax dollars at work!

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SHOCKING NEWS: Jarrett Maupin, Untrained Civilian, Acts Like Untrained Civilian

This story of Jarrett Maupin going from activist to the other side has so many flaws I don’t even know where to start. I’m going to try, and if anyone has any answers…please, send them my way. I plan to write on this more in depth, but having just seen the footage back to back with the extended Tamir Rice video I’m way too angry to be articulate.

  • Can someone explain to me what the fuck an untrained person’s reaction to a police officer’s job has to do with anything? We don’t know if Maupin has ever even touched a gun before. If we’re taking cops and dumping them on the street with zero training, we have a problem.
  • If this half brained exercise makes anything resembling a point, it is only in an identical situation. Cops need to be held accountable for their actions and MANY of the fuck ups are not shooting someone running straight at you. Was the 2 year old who got hit by a flashbang grenade scary?
  • Maybe a better study would be putting a protestor next to the lifeless body of a 12 year old, giving him some handcuffs, and seeing if he handcuffs the child’s 14 year old sister for running over to her brother. Spoiler alert: most people probably fucking choose to not arrest sister.
  • Why is asking for accountability so scary? What do so many people have to hide? Keep on keepin on, NYPD.

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Only Pedophiles Host Sleepovers

One of the biggest problems facing the modern American fearmonger is the fact that crime has steadily decreased in the US for several decades. Of course, people pushing their crazy opinions and ideas are not bound by stupid things like facts or data! No, instead they just speak from the gut and completely overlook or deny facts thrown in their faces.

Take, for instance, the notion that children can’t do things today that they did 30 years ago, because it just isn’t safe anymore. Never mind, of course, that (in addition to all crime being on the decline) the rate of reported sexual abuse of children declined 60% from 1992 to 2010, and never mind that children are actually more likely to report sexual assault now than they were in 1992.  No, we shouldn’t focus on that — instead, let’s focus on how adults are predators that want to rape your children. That’ll help your kids grow up safe and healthy, and guarantees they won’t become habitual alcohol and cocaine users in college, once they have escaped your watchful eye and phone GPS tracker!

Apparently, people are now banning their children from sleepovers. Not sleepovers at homes where the parents don’t know the kid or their family, but all sleepovers — because how awkward would it be to get to know your kid’s friends, or to say no without an explanation to some sleepovers and not others?

I think I’m late to the party since this went viral a while ago (in my defense, it was during the same time that I was being told to hide my boobs), but the article that was brought to my attention is Why My Family Doesn’t Do Sleepovers by one Tim Challies. Challies starts his article off by quoting a book by James Dobson, Bringing Up Girls:

Sadly, the world has changed in the last few decades, and it is no longer a safe place for children. Pedophiles and child molesters are more pervasive than ever.

What I’m saying is, he starts off his article by making up some bull shit that has no basis in reality. It gets even worse when later on, Challies says he disagrees with the notion that pedophiles are more pervasive than ever — but because sleepover molestations were happening just as often when he was a kid as they are now. Never mind the official and overwhelming evidence that it was worse decades ago….no, that isn’t important. Challies gives his personal anecdotes:

As I got older I learned of several people I knew who had been taken advantage of during sleepovers, and it wasn’t a perverse father in most cases, but a predatory older brother or sister or cousin. Sometimes it was even the friend himself. The world was plenty dangerous back then and children were just as vulnerable, but somehow these things weren’t talked about as they are today.

He’s so close to comprehending how statistics and data work, and then just jumps off ship. Excuse me while I bang my head on my desk for a while.

(Note: My son is fourteen and we have now relaxed the rule with him, though permission is still dependent on circumstances.)

First, you’re negating your entire article by saying you do allow your son to go to sleepovers. Why did you even write this?? Second, what a well thought out and good choice!

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 3.16.13 PM

Fear mongering doesn’t do anyone any good. It gets parents arrested for letting their children play in parks and turns family photos in pedophilia. If Challies can give his personal experience, let me assure you — the smothered, short leashed  kids I knew growing up? When they moved out, they did all the things their parents were afraid of…and worse. Good plan!

Thanks to Blood, Sweat & Swearing for the tip on the article. If you want to brave hosting a slumber party, my main image came from here. You can also find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Please subscribe to my weekly(ish?)  updates!

“Marriage: The Best Way to Solve Your Relationship Problems” – GOD, According to Columnist Mike Adams

Do you want to save yourself from being beaten by your boyfriend? Do you want to increase your chances of being beaten by your girlfriend? Just get married! At least, that’s what I learned today from the Town Hall article, The Ring Makes All the Difference by one Mike Adams. 

I know I’m just a radical feminist who wants to destroy the idea of marriage and family (because God definitely thinks it is important you register your commitment with the state, y’all!), so my opinion probably doesn’t matter…but what a bunch of idiotic bullshit. Adams doesn’t really making any of his own points (outside of labeling feminists as life destroyers), but highlights some of his favorite facts from a book called (wait for it!) The Ring Makes All the Difference: The Hidden Consequences of Cohabitation and the Strong Benefits of Marriage.

Obviously, there is a lot of wrong going on here, but I’d like to start with the very last paragraph: “God is the author of the rules of the game of life. He is also the creator of science. When properly applied, His methods always reveal the truth.” I don’t really know what that has to do with anything, other than maybe saying if bitches get beat by their live in man sinner sluts, it’s because they didn’t listen to God’s rules of the game of life. But maybe we should talk about these rules for the game of life (henceforth abbreviated as GRGOL, because typing it out one more time might make me throw up. How does this guy have a regular column somewhere and I don’t?).

The Bible is full of contradictory information when it comes to marriage. In the book of GRGOL, Paul tells us in Corinthians to not bother getting married, and to only get married if we can’t stop ourselves from having sex (which we also shouldn’t do). On the other hand, plenty of people had multiple wives and that was considered awesome. Something GRGOL doesn’t address? What marriage actually is. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that marriage is a trip to the county courthouse, sharing your bank accounts, and dragging down your SO’s chances for credit approval with your shitty score and student debt.

But let’s say that the American idea of marriage is what GRGOL had in mind. What other evidence do we have to support the idea that marriage is the best?

- In marriages, male-female ratios of violence are roughly equal – with women and men just as likely to initiate violence against their spouses. However, in cohabiting relationships, men are far more likely to initiate violence.

Is your man beating you? Get engaged, it’ll end as soon as you’re legal! Though…maybe that’s not really what’s going on. Turns out, married immigrant women are about 10% more likely to report being abused than unmarried immigrant women living with a partner. Also turns out, women who are married generally don’t like to report their husband as an abuser.  But hey. You want to pretend that marriage stop violence, let’s take a look at the DOJ’s Intimate Partner Violence study:

Screen Shot 2015-01-05 at 10.50.21 PM

Looks like the safest thing you can do is get married and not have kids, since bearing kids is obviously what makes women become victims of violence.

- Married people typically earn more and save more than their unmarried counterparts – whether cohabiting or single.
– The poverty rate for children living in married households is 6%. It is 31% for children living with a cohabiting father and mother.

Lots of studies have been done to figure out why unmarried people make more than married people. Some theorize that those who are married are looked at by their employer as more responsible, and given raises or promotions that are influenced by that (think: you’re a prick boss that only believes in your version of GRGOL. John is married with kids, Greg lives with his whore girlfriend in sin. Who do you layoff first?). Another idea is that just like more attractive people are better off in the work place, they are also more likely to find a partner. Or, if you come from money and are set up to be in a higher income bracket yourself, your family might be more traditional. Or…tax deductions (because if getting married to end abuse isn’t enough, tax deductions should be). But in the vein of the second point up there, if you’re in a lower income bracket…it often makes sense to not get married as your combined income may cause you to lose benefits. That doesn’t mean that you’re poor because you’re unmarried; it means you’re unmarried because you’re poor. I’m presumably in the minority of people who are looking to permanently cohabit without getting married, but this guy is pretending there is some magic going on. Living together in sin? $12k a year for you! Signed that legal document? Bam!! $65k!

- A married man will spend about eight more hours a week doing household chores than his shacking-up peer.

Assuming that is even true outside of the one study he referenced/that I could find, you’d think it’d be true all of the time. Because marriage = man cleaning, nothing else should matter. Except this study, covering 5 European countries, which found “that cohabiting couples have a more egalitarian division of labour but that there are important country differences.” Maybe there are other things at play here than marriage?

I hate to write about a guy writing about a book I haven’t read, but over and over it’s clearly the same mistakes: thinking marriage is the problem solver. Do you want the real solution to save family life? Find your person, move in together, get married if you want. Make sure they’re the right person, that you’re compatible in your goals and way of life (kids, no kids, city, country, whatever). Enjoy your time together, work hard to make it work, don’t cheat, don’t hit each other, and don’t give a shit who has what jewel on what finger.

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It’s 2015!

It’s 2015 and my only New Years resolution is to publish something every (non-holiday) weekday. Too bad I didn’t realize the first day would be a Friday and writing anything meaningful would get lost in everyone’s weekends!

I finished off 2014 by reading the entire CIA torture report, and here’s some good news: it was $50 to print it at FedEx, but you can order it on Amazon for $14. Good deal, and I’ll be posting my thoughts on it next week (spoiler alert: I’m not a fan of torture).

I also spent a good deal of time reading about the drug war and police brutality (but I swear I won’t spend 100% of my time posting articles about the same subject, as much as I may want to), and the aftermath of the vote to ban fracking in Denton County, TX.

Hopefully everyone had a good holiday, and next week I’ll be back with plenty of complaining. Feel free to send me anything you think I could write about!

 

 

Last Words: I Can’t Breathe / Why Did You Shoot Me / It’s Not Real / Mom, I’m Going to College

For as long as I can remember, I’ve campaigned to end the war on drugs. It’s caused increased violence, a loss of rights, and increased addiction. I’ve kept up on the “isolated incidents” resulting in the death of people and/or their pets, of the ruined lives. But yesterday both my heart and my faith in the American justice system shattered. It isn’t often I feel completely helpless. I’m so sorry for the family of Eric Garner; for all the families of those who have been killed by police. It’s obviously sad when anyone has their life come to an end, but to be killed by those we have chosen to protect is a tragic betrayal. If we’re supposed to trust the police to not harm us, why isn’t there the same level of accountability for them as there is for us?

At this point, whether or not Michael Brown’s hands were up has become irrelevant. The death of Brown has sparked a movement that is larger than one single action. So many people who are content with the status quo of militarized police operations are quick to point out that he was a thug, a criminal — and strong armed robbery means you deserve to be killed. If you believe that, nothing I can say or do can change your mind. That is part of who you fundamentally are. What I can teach you is that the issue is much larger than one incident. It is an American problem, and given racial and social prejudices, it is a problem that manifests itself in the black community.

If you’re uncomfortable talking about how this is a race problem, let’s start by talking about how this is a militarized police problem. This is nothing new.  Michelle Alexander wrote in The New Jim Crow:

According to the Cato Institute, in 1997 alone, the Pentagon handed over more than 1.2 million pieces of military equipment to local police departments. Similarly, the National Journal reported that between January 1997 and October 1999, the agency handled 3.4 million orders of Pentagon equipment from over eleven thousand domestic police agencies in all fifty states. Included in the bounty were “253 aircraft (including six- and seven-passenger airplanes, UH-60 Blackhawk and UH-1 Huey helicopters, 7,856 M-16 rifles, 181 grenade launchers, 8,131 bulletproof helmets, and 1,161 pairs of night-vision goggles.” A retired police chief in New Haven, Connecticut, told the New York Times, “I was offered tanks, bazookas, anything I wanted.”

Now let’s pretend for a moment that every non-indicted officer that killed a black civilian actually was within his or her rights. If officers are using their discretion and aiming to injure whites when they are also within their right to shoot to kill, then they are doing something wrong.

On the right is Dan Bilzerian. On the left is NOT Mike Brown. But that picture was used to convince people Brown was a thug. Hmm...
On the left is Dan Bilzerian. On the right is NOT Mike Brown. But that picture was used to convince people Brown was a thug. Hmm…

Michael Brown was not shot over stealing cigarillos,and it’s misrepresentative to say that the robbery led to the shooting (and this includes people on my side, saying life is worth more than cigarillos). Depressingly, I’ve heard many people say that if you don’t engage in strong armed robbery (or whatever crime it is when speaking of other individuals), you won’t have anything to worry about. I’ve read countless tweets, comments, etc from people: “I don’t commit robbery, so I don’t care about this issue.“ These people are most definitely saying that if the people who commit these crimes end up being shot, then whatever. Everyone that posted that stupid picture of Joda Cain holding a glock, with money in his mouth and liquor to his side, saying it was Brown and that he wasn’t really innocent, is guilty of this. People act like prior criminal acts make it a-ok when someone is shot. Hell, I’ve got a nolle prossed assault charge that could easily be found if the cops gunned me down. But one assault charge does not mean I deserve to die. 

I have read every single page of the grand jury documents. I cycled on this: first I was fully on Brown’s side, as evidence came out I was middle of the road, then when the docs were released I thought I might end up on Wilson’s side. Nope. After it was all said and done, thousands of pages later, I have questions. Maybe it was self defense, maybe it wasn’t. We will never know, and that is the problem. Sure, murder is a legal term and cannot be correctly applied without a trial — but in the vernacular, we use the term more loosely than in the court room. And I’m not buying an “accident.” Not for Eric Garner, not for Aiyana Jones, not for Oscar Grant. Careless, reckless endangerment of human life is a better way to say it than accident. You know what is fucking bull shit? Look at Cory Maye, who was home during a no knock raid on the duplex next door to his. Trying to protect his 2 year old daughter, he killed one of the cops that intruded into his home without announcing himself. HE was convicted of murder and sentenced to death row until, years later, the media got ahold of his story and drew attention to it. If the legal standard for murder is shooting an unannounced intruder in your home, then I think we’re safe to apply it pretty liberally when someone is laying face down on the ground without a weapon and gets shot through the lungs (Grant).

Even if it’s just that accidents are happening, it’s important to hold the police to the same letter of the law that we hold civilians. What message does it send to the community when a cop gets 11 months for shooting someone he knows isn’t armed on the BART platform, but a father exercising his 2nd amendment right and protecting his home gets sent to death row? What message is sent when a cop, 6 seconds after announcing his arrival for a raid, fires his gun into the lower level of the duplex he’s supposed to be raiding, and one of his shots lands in a child’s brain — and he’s simply charged with a misdemeanor? When the fucking MAYOR of Berwyn Heights has his dogs shot in front of him during a botched drug raid, and the PG County PD official response is “We’ve apologized for the incident, but we will never apologize for taking drugs off our streets. Quite frankly, we’d do it again. Tonight.” What message does it send when a cop throws a flash grenade into a baby’s playpen and isn’t charged with anything, while the child is forever disfigured?

CheyeCalvo
Berwyn Heights mayor Cheye Calvo

At the end of the day, human life is precious. There are certainly instances where force is justified, where it’s necessary. But it’s alarming to me that so many people seem to be okay with the notion that fatally shooting a civilian isn’t a last resort. We work to demonize the dead: you are not defined by your rap sheet, or by the ounce of pot found in your house during a drug raid that results in your own death, or by a photo of you holding stacks of hundreds. Even if you were, cops don’t get to play judge, jury, and executioner.

Follow me on Twitter and Facebook. Share your protest stories in the comments. Title inspired by this video. 

No, I Really Don’t Want Kids — I Think I Would Know

There has never been a day in my life when I thought I would want children.  My entire life, the thought of pregnancy has repelled me. It’s like I’m missing something in my genetic composition that makes other women go, “Yes, it would be beautiful to push a human out of my vagina.” I don’t associate love or a relationship with procreation; I simply don’t associate procreating with my life. My impression from many people  I know who do want children is that they thought about growing up and saw their future with their spouse and their kids and their white picket fence. Throw in an office job, and that is exactly what I would see if I sat down and imagined my hell.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to not be offended by people’s reactions to hearing I want to remain childfree, but over time I’ve come to realize I have a right to be offended. Lots of people tell me that it isn’t normal, and that doesn’t really offend me. “How can you know?” doesn’t even bother me too much — I imagine if I talked to someone who was completely asexual or something else I couldn’t personally imagine, I might be curious. But here’s the problem.

Do you know how people find out I don’t want kids? 99% of the time, it’s because they make an assumption. They tell me about what I’ll learn when I have kids, or they ask me how I’ll continue to live in Texas while my boyfriend lives in Maryland when we have all the babies, or they’ll ask how many kids I want. I always correct them. For as long as I can remember, even at the tender age of 8, I corrected them. The desire to have a child is so far removed from who I am that I reflexively correct people who assume I want one, probably the same way you would correct someone who mispronounced your name.

When I was a child myself, everyone told me I would change my mind. The joys of motherhood and biological clocks and whatever. Right now, I’m telling every single person reading this: do not do this. Even if you firmly believe the little girl looking up at you saying she doesn’t want kids can’t possibly know that, keep that opinion to yourself. By second guessing a woman’s decision to go against the grain, you’re encouraging a culture that shames her, and it’s wrong. You’re encouraging her to give in to a mate later on, one who might be compatible with her in every single way except his desire to have kids. And having kids because you love someone and you’ve been taught you have a biological clock that will kick in and make you change your mind on the issue? That’s a fucking mistake if I ever heard one.

If you’re reading this, you won’t be shocked to learn that even at the age of 26, people still question whether or not I actually know what I want. You’re likely either nodding your head in agreement or shaking it in disbelief. My parents, my sister, my best friend, my boyfriend — these are the people that know me best, and for all but one have known me for well over a decade. They don’t question me. It’s always some new acquaintance or a total stranger that feels the need to condescendingly tell me I’ll change my mind, or that they used to feel that way until they had a joyous little accident. Fuck you. You are rude as hell, and you might as well tell me to smile while you insult me.

I’ve made my stance on abortion pretty clear, I think. Lots of people are pro-choice and aren’t of the childfree mindset themselves. I’m sure that plenty of women have abortions because the timing or situation was wrong, and go on to have kids later in life. I’m sure plenty of people get pregnant and keep the child even though everything about the situation is wrong — maybe they end up happy, maybe not. For me, keeping abortion legal is so important to me because I don’t know if I would survive a pregnancy. If sketchy, unlicensed basement procedures were the only option and I was accidentally pregnant, I would take the risk. If I found out I was pregnant too late to abort, I would personally go through any means in an attempt to end the pregnancy. In general, I would not describe myself as depressed; I think I’m happy and well adjusted. If I suddenly am forced to carry a child, I very seriously recommend putting me on suicide watch.

Honestly, I wish I could explain it — the complete emptiness I feel inside imagining life as a mother. It’s similar to the way I feel imagining life with a female life partner: I cannot comprehend the appeal, I have no emotional connection to the idea, and in my mind’s eye, I become a stranger to myself. When you tell someone who feels this that they will change their minds, you’re acting like you know more about that person than you do.  You’re wrong.

I don’t care if other people have kids — my roommate has one and he’s great! I just care about myself, and my sanity. I don’t go up to women who are 6 months pregnant and ask them if they are sure they’re ready; in return, I expect that people leave me alone about my decision. If you’ve recently had a kid, don’t let your baby crazy feelings accidentally turn into condescending feelings when you talk to your friends. Just because it’s a good life decision for you, doesn’t mean it’s good for everyone.

Yes, even in this picture I knew I wasn't reproducing!
Yes, even in this picture I knew I wasn’t reproducing!

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I Hate Flying so Much I Cannot Even
My Boobs Don’t Need Your Husband to See Them
Unpopular Opinion: I Don’t Have Anything Valid to Say & I Feel Bad for People Who Read my Writing

I Hate Flying So Much I Cannot Even

Airports are like malls: it’s scientifically proven the second you step foot in either of these buildings, you immediately lose 15 IQ points. There isn’t much I hate more than flying. It’s probably the only thing I both despise and routinely subject myself to. I don’t mind the actual experience of being in the plane, it’s just every other aspect of flying.

How I solve my flying woes
How I solve my flying woes

TSA Precheck
Thanks to all the hours I have dedicated to being in the sky, I usually get Precheck — I’m allowed to leave my laptop and liquids in my bag, and I don’t have to take off my shoes. Seems great, right? Too bad some genius decided to grant Precheck to two kinds of people: those of us who fly all of the time, and really, REALLY old people who have no idea WTF is going on. What a great plan! Combine the most efficient flyers with the most inefficient flyers, and put them all in a special line together!! It’s embarrassing for one group, and frustrating for the other.

Overhead Bins + Late Arrival = Meltdown
There are two reasons I board the plane immediately: one, so I can have overhead bin space. Two, so I can sit in my seat and sip on a gin and tonic while watching my fellows passengers have total fucking mental breakdowns when their luggage won’t fit, instead of standing behind them. Without my calming cocktail, I will definitely run commentary.  Also, no, you cannot take other people’s shit out of the bins to make yours fit. I sincerely wish I was a thief so I could steal shit from people who put their bags at the front of the plane, no where near their seat. Good job, asshole. Now you’re blocking space for people sitting in the section your shit is in.

If you’re a frequent flyer, you check your bag for free. If you are a once a year vacationer, just pony up the $50 round trip and check a single bag for your entire family. Or — and this is going to be shocking advice — if you have a rolling suitcase, make sure it isn’t fucking huge. And hasn’t everyone at some point done a puzzle? Why do people insist on putting luggage in the bins in a way that takes up the most possible space? Oh, probably because they are the same selfish people that are guilty of….

Blatant Disregard for Personal Space
Oh I see you really like to BE IN ALL OF THE SEATS. Or you really like to talk to me. Or you like to put your feet fucking everywhere. Have you tried taking up only ONE seat? Have you tried not talking to me? Or maybe putting your feet under the seat in front of YOU, and not the seat in front of ME?

Middle seat, IMO, gets priority to the armrests. Even if you don’t agree with me, the human in the middle seat isn’t a post for you to lean on. GO AWAY.

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!
This is the worst person at the airport — at least I can chalk a lot of people’s behavior up to not knowing WTF is going on at the airport. But the DYKWIA person…they make sure you know they fly. Do I know who you are? Yes. You are a fucking asshole. BYE FELICIA.  And since I am so young and yet fly so often (and I don’t ever dress up to fly, because f that), I feel like the DYKWIAs really just gravitate toward me. I’m constantly being told by other customers that I’m in the wrong line, whether it’s check in or boarding. I’m sorry, did you get your elite status because you volunteer as the fucking line police for the airline?  Fuck. You.

Last December my best friend and I went to Miami together. We got a complimentary upgrade to first class for the return FLL – DCA flight. They called for first to board, so we…went to board. My ticket was scanned without problems, and then suddenly this dude just barreled past my friend and shoves his ticket in the GAs hand.
GA: Sir, what are you doing?
DYKWIA: I’M FIRST CLASS.
GA: So is she [points to my friend].
DYKWIA: Oh. Oh. Go ahead.
My Friend: No, it’s okay. You can go.
Meanwhile, I’m just standing there watching all this happen thinking what the fuck is wrong with people. WE WERE STANDING IN THE FIRST CLASS/ELITE LINE. I’ll be damned if I’m trading in my standard flying attire of cowboy boots and leggings so people don’t act like assholes to me.

Then there is the credit card holder DYKWIA. This person doesn’t actually fly often, but they do pay $95 a year in fees and a high APR to get some of the perks of frequent flying. When I moved to Dallas, I bought a one way first class ticket for about $300 — it was cheaper to do it that way and get 3 free checked bags than it was to book the regular fare and pay for my 3 bags ($25, $35, and $150, respectively). There I am, the day after Christmas, hungover out of my mind, hiding behind a big fluffy coat and sunglasses, moving halfway across the country to a city where I don’t know anyone. This dude with his family is in front of me in line to board the plane, and the GA takes his boarding pass and says, “I’m sorry, sir — we’re only boarding first class pax now.” The man proceeded to lose his fucking mind. I shit you not, he actually said, “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?! I HAVE A CREDIT CARD WITH YOUR AIRLINE.  I GET TO BOARD EARLY.” The GA agreed that yes he did, but after first class. “SO BECAUSE I DIDN’T PAY ALL OF THAT MONEY FOR FIRST I CAN’T GET ON THE PLANE NOW?” And then he pointed at me! Poor, hungover, trying not to vomit on him, me.
DYKWIA: Did you buy a first class ticket?!
Me: Yes.
DYKWIA:  BUYING A FIRST CLASS TICKET IS STUPID.
Me: Paying an annual credit card fee is stupid.
I don’t think I helped the situation, but I got to go sit down in my stupid seat…and no one asked me to sign up for the CC on my flight.

Lap Children AKA Feet in YOUR Lap Children or Floor Children
What a cute baby you have! He’s so big for his age. I’m so glad that on this 3 hour flight you’ve decided to keep him on your lap even though he doesn’t fit and is blatantly too big. It have never, ever been stuck next to a lap child, but I have definitely seen them next to others when the child was too big for a lap. In fact, the first time I went to Dallas, I went on vacation with my best friend (we travel). We got stuck because Sandy shut down the DC airports, and were able to manage two spots on the first post-Sandy flight out of DFW. My poor best friend got stuck next to a lap child that was way too big for his  mother’s lap, with the child’s entire head hanging over onto my friend’s lap. Taking into account the storm situation, and because she is a saint, she didn’t say anything to anyone. I would have lost my fucking mind.

Before you bring a lap child on a plane, think about whether you really want to sit with a child on your lap for hours. You fucking don’t. How do I know? Because I have seen children who were clearly too old (2) be forced to be lap kids, and they end up spending their time running amok or playing on the floor or bothering other pax. Look, you have a kid and that’s cool. I don’t want to talk to you or your child. Just get them a fucking seat of their own.

Gate Lice
Do you think if you get on the plane first, something magical happens? Do you think that the first people on the plane get free hookers and cocaine? Do you think you get an award because you’re zone 5 and you got on the plane with zone 1? Do you think they don’t let you on if you’re not crowded around the gate? No? Then why are you crowding the gate when you’re in the last zone to board?  Look, just back the fuck off until you’re supposed to be boarding. “Oh, they said they’re starting to board anyone who needs assistance!! Better go make my presence known at the gate since I’m in zone 6! Six sounds like I’ll be first, right?!” NO. All you’re doing is being in the way of everyone who is supposed to get on the plane before you. At least wait until the zone before you is being called, instead of jumping 7 steps ahed.

THIS IS YOUR FAULT
Flights get delayed, plans get changed. It sucks, I know. Lost luggage, canceled flights, hours on the tarmac — I’ve been there, it blows. But do you know who isn’t responsible for any of those things? The person you’re interacting with at the airport. You know that dreaded moment when you’re on the plane, waiting to go, and then they decide to deplane? Suddenly your fellow pax think they’re in the Hunger Games, using their lap children and giant rolling suitcases as weaponary to push others out of the way, all in the quest to be the first person to talk to the GA. Since I don’t carry more than a bookbag, I usually make it off the plane pretty early. Not too long ago I was third in line after a deplaning. Only one GA was working to reschedule us, and the people directly in front of me were, quite frankly, evil. It was a man and his teenage daughter, and they were BOTH loudly complaining about how inconvenienced they were, how slow and bad at her job the GA was (they kept pointing at her!), and how they were NEVER FUCKING FLYING US AIRWAYS AGAIN. Everything was said loudly, and the GA and every other person in a 20  foot radius heard them. They were pretty much running their own sitcom routine, except not funny. It took almost all of my strength to not record them. Instead, I behaved like a normal, rational person and looked up another flight on American that would get me where I needed to be.  Like, is it rocket science to realize that being an asshole will get you nowhere, and being responsible and polite and presenting a solution will get you to your destination faster?

I have to go take a Xanax now. I’m upset just thinking about it, and I don’t even have to fly again for like 2 more weeks.

My unimpressed flying face.
My unimpressed flying face.

Revenge Porn: Legal. Not Returning Engagement Ring After Fiance Cheats on You: Illegal

I’m pretty libertarian, and in general I’m against making more laws and restricting freedoms — unless, of course, what you’re doing is violating someone else’s rights by posting your ex’s naked photos all over the internet. If you aren’t supporting the movement to legally punish those who distribute revenge porn, you’re a fucking asshole.

Don’t we have laws in place that keep you from using someone’s likeness or photograph for profit without compensating them for it? So if my boyfriend and I have sex on camera and he films it and sells it without telling me — at the very least, isn’t he committing some kind of crime by not giving me my due compensation?

I always have big hopes for my party, but sometimes I feel like the focus is too much on your right to do WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT. Unless you’re an anarchist, it’s important in law making to remember that there are rights you inherently have by being a person. (If you don’t believe in any government, you need to remember it’s my right to blow your goddamn brains out for sharing my titties without my permission.)

Maybe there can be a really awesome world, where when you send a sext you first demand confirmation from the receiver that they will not post it anywhere without your permission, and that they will delete it upon break up. Actually (and maybe I’m just a killjoy), wouldn’t most rational women say “promise you won’t show anyone?” or something similar? I would. Can that count?

Let’s say you and I are dating. Things are going well, and you end up doing your taxes on my computer for whatever reason. When we break up, can I send copies of your SSN to all of my friends? NO. Why the hell not?!

When an engagement is broken off, the woman has to return the engagement ring. When a relationship is broken off, the man should have to delete the goddamn picture.

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