I Fucking Hate the Kansas City Royals, and Hosmer is a Douchebag

I fucking hate the Kansas City Royals. I’m really, really glad the Giants won the World Series — and that is a sentence I never thought I would say. I actually thought if the Royals beat us (the Orioles), I’d root for them for them to win it all. Too bad they’ve been nothing but tacky, classless, and douchey.

Eric Hosmer and his facial expressions and yelling have made him my most hated baseball player. I used to think that Carl Crawford and Brycer Harper were the douchiest professional baseball players in the country — boy was I wrong.

Then there’s Guthrie, who has a 4.23 ERA and used to play for the Orioles. He left the city well liked, and got O’s applause at the first game. So what does he do? He wore a t-shirt saying “These O’s ain’t Royal” to a post game press conference. Go fuck yourself, Guthrie. You’re a mediocre pitcher with the worst career ERA on your team. Your postseason success says more about our playing than your pitching. I cannot wait until next year when you go back to being a nothing.

Keep it classy, KC!
Keep it classy, KC!

Next on the douche list would be Jarrod Dyson, who said he didn’t anticipate returning to OPACY after the O’s were down 0-2. Not only that, he didn’t believe the Orioles thought they’d be back, either. You’re 30 years old, you know how to behave. Just stop. Hey, Dyson — remember when you were caught stealing every time you tried? You aren’t even good. Guess what…I could play professional baseball and also have a .000 batting average in the postseason against Baltimore. Good job!

Typically the fanbases I’ve held the most contempt for would be Nats, Red Sox, and Angels. Sometimes Nats fans are shitty to me since I’m from Alexandria and like the Orioles (because…16 years of loyalty should be abandoned…why?). But I’ve never had a Nats fan in Maryland tell me not to like the O’s. So why did I get multiple people who were suddenly Kansas City fans (and total fucking strangers) pointing at my Orioles phone case and making fun of me? Motherfucker, you are IN MARYLAND. GO HOME.  At least I dislike Angels fans based on going to games in Anaheim, and no one likes Red Sox fans. You know when really poor people win the lottery and then they get addicted to meth and die? Now begins the meth addiction phase of the Royals, and I say good riddance. I cannot wait until you hit rock bottom. Bye Felicia!

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Why So Serious? Smile, Bitch.

I’m sure at this point we’ve all seen the video depicting Shoshana Roberts walking around NYC and getting harassed by men who have nothing better to do than be assholes (if you haven’t, watch it now). There are different types of catcalling and some things bother me more than others – if the discussion ends at “God bless you” or “hello,” I don’t really care. Culturally, moving from DC to Dallas, it took a lot to get used to people interacting with me in a way that is genuinely pleasant (sometimes people actually just say “hello” in Dallas with no strings attached!) versus an indicator I’m about to be mugged or harassed. I am not bitching about pleasantries. I am bitching about smiling. Shocking, I know.

The video shows men doing and saying a variety of things, ranging from the mega creepy guy that follows her in silence to the guy that tells her to smile. When Roberts doesn’t smile, the command is repeated.

Telling someone to smile may or may not be classified as sexual harassment. I don’t know, and I’m not writing this to debate what sexual harassment is. I am writing this to let you know that telling a woman to smile is entirely offensive. Next time you have the urge to tell a sullen looking girl to smile, just smack yourself in the face instead. Maybe she has resting bitch face. Maybe she just found out she’s dying of cancer. Who knows! You sure as shit don’t, so don’t make any assumptions.

Are women as a gender so vapid and empty that we should walk around with goofy ass grins on our faces all of the time? What is it to you if we walk around looking normal instead of grinning or laughing hysterically? Oh, is my face not the landscape you wish it was? Well, fuck off. If I ever snap, I’ll probably carve a forever smile in some asshole stranger’s face after being commanded to smile like I’m a dog that does tricks.

What is the motivation for this? Is it a dominance thing? Do men who do it even realize what shits they’re being? I spent my teenage years and early 20s thinking I was crazy for being so offended by this, but it seems other people are coming around to my train of thought. I’d rather you call me a fucking cunt bitch as I walk past you on the street.

I walk a fine line, because my job is to be happy and perky. I understand when consumers say it to me as work, because resting bitch face isn’t a good look for a booth girl. But if I’m just buying some groceries, go away.

“Smile. You’re too pretty to look so sad.” Oh. Someone you find attractive isn’t allowed to have emotions? You sound like a great boyfriend. Where do I sign up?
“Smile. It’s not that serious.” This is when I like to tell them someone close to me just died/I have a a life threatening disease (it was really genuine and great when I had my ovarian cancer scare).
“Smile. What’s wrong with you?” Are you asking because you care? Because I could write you a novel.

“Oh, but they’re just being nice,” you say. “Those men are just making conversation.” Oh. Okay. Because being issued a command is so flattering. I definitely want to have a conversation with you now. I can’t wait for you to exert more control over me.

Ugh. Does anyone else have this pet peeve? Please say yes.

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Immigrant Women, Native American Women and Rape

Last time I wrote, I talked about the hypocrisy of being pissed about the Redskins name (and boy did I get ripped apart on Facebook). That was largely prompted by the research I was doing for an article I helped write for DREAM — while we’re arguing about a professional football team, Native American women are suffering from the highest rates of sexual assault in the nation. Did you know when it is hunting season, there are higher rates of rape and prostitution, because no one has jurisdiction to prosecute the perps? Here’s an excerpt from the article:

As the NFL scandals keep breaking and a greater degree of attention is placed on violence against women, it is my hope that groups which do not get much attention in this conversation are brought more to the forefront: Native American and immigrant women, two groups who not only face the usual obstacles of shame and other social pressures to reporting sexual assault, but also institutional ones that have been placed on them by our government. Although there are ways to address this, the same political cowardice that leads Congress to take a break when they should be voting on whether or not we go to war has been controlling the debate on sexual assault and women’s rights.

When the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) went up to be renewed, politicians like Marco Rubio (R-FL) filibustered it, claiming he had problems with issues of sovereignty with Native American tribes, as well as immigration visas for women. When Marco Rubio was filibustering, he claimed one of his main concerns was relinquishing jurisdiction for crimes committed by non-Indians to Indian tribal courts. In reality, he was needlessly extending the suffering of Native women — women who are primarily victimized by non-Indians. Native American women are victims of sexual assault at rates of over four times the national average and 80 percent of the perpetrators aren’t Native American. In fact, 75 percent of those living on reservations in the United States are non-Indian — a fact that Rubio and his cohorts must not have researched when they cited concerns over non-Indians being subjected to all-Native juries.

Check out the full article here.


The Most Offensive Thing About the Term Redskins? Everyone Pretending to be Offended

Newsflash: No one actually gives a shit about racism against Native Americans. People are jumping on the anti-Redskins bandwagon and crying about how offensive the term is, and then ignoring all of the other incredibly offensive things Americans do to Native Americans. If you’re actually offended by the term, you need to demonstrate that by doing more than hating an already largely hated sports team. It’s easy to dislike a football franchise from another city, but it’s more difficult to actually want to change things you like or policies that are inherently racist.

Remember when Etsy decided to ban everything Redskins? From their blog:

You may have been following the struggle of one ethnic group that has made a lot of headlines lately: Native Americans and their fight against the Washington, D.C. professional football team name and mascot, which they have long considered offensive, disparaging, and racist….We understand that fans wish to support their favorite football team, and we do not believe that fans who are attached to the mascot have any racist feeling or intent. We also understand that some fans view the name and mascot as an homage to Native Americans, and we do not doubt their noble intent, but the fact remains that Native Americans themselves find the term unacceptable.

Okay, cool.  If Native Americans find it offensive then it is offensive and should be removed. So…why can you still buy elaborate handmade headdresses on Etsy? Didn’t we decide that headdresses are offensive over and over and over again?

I find it incredibly hypocritical that the same people crying over the Redskins take the time to celebrate Thanksgiving every year.  Do you know how you feel about going around the table and saying what you’re thankful for? That nice fuzzy feeling of tradition and happiness? That’s what all of those Redskins fans feel 16 days a year. Do you protest Columbus Day as an official holiday on the calendar? If not, get your shit together before you start protesting FedEx and every other brand affiliated with the Skins.

I guess I can go to Redskins games when I’m home in DC, and then assuage my white guilt by gambling at WinStar when I’m home in Dallas.

Totally not offensive
Totally not offensive
Not offensive
Moderately offensive
Mega fucking offensive
Mega fucking offensive

When Roommate Searching Goes Wrong

I haven’t been writing much, and that’s mostly because I’ve been busy working on the online dating book I’m trying to write.
What kind of online dating book, you ask?
The kind that talks about how terrible it can be! As an example of how creepy people can be in text messages, here are some texts from someone I met on Craigslist as a potential roommate situation.  Notice the years on the time stamps. I often forget we didn’t meet online dating — and that we never met offline at all (thank god).  This (and too many dick pics — thanks OKCupid!) is why I use Google Voice.

nope nope2nope3

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Thanks, Obamacare – Throwback Tuesday #tbt

I’m not waiting until Thursday for tbt, because I do what I want –especially when I’m pissy.  I really need some fucking Adderall but my health insurance quote is almost $300 a month and doesn’t cover ANYTHING until I spend $6,000, so I’m uninsured. I’ll go to the doctor in the next week or two out of pocket, but until then — I’m grumpy and ADD.

A few months ago the White House had a contest to select the best gif to make millennials sign up for ACA as part of their #GetCoveredNow campaign.  They were awful, so I helpfully made some new ones…but they didn’t add mine. Go figure.

The White House ones said things like “You only YOLO once”  or had young adults doing stupid shit and getting hurt. I highly encourage you to go look at them all and wonder why they apparently let someone over 55 design these.






Why is there an Adderall shortage?
Rhode Island encourages and teaches parents to use Tinder and dating sites to tell children to sign up for ACA.  Yes. Seriously. It happened.
That cat image isn’t mine.
Neither are the ducks.
Or YOYOLOO. Thanks Obama.


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