50 Shades of Shit, Part One: Ana Wrecks Your Life

I know I’m late to the party, but I’ve decided I can’t not write about 50 Shades of Grey. I feel like everything that needs to be said has been discussed, yet this book is now a record setting film. So I guess I’m wrong, which is unfortunate since this is one of the few books I’ve read that causes me to hate every single character and the author. If you haven’t read the books, here’s a very brief rundown: Shy, virginal Ana meets hunky BDSM-loving billionaire Christian Grey. He takes her V-card, shows her his torture chamber of love, beats her, gets dumped, gets back together, wacky hi jinx ensue. They get married and go on a miserable sounding honeymoon where he leaves bruises over her body because she was topless tanning in the south of France.  Meanwhile, he used to be raped by his mom’s friend and now owns a hair salon with her, his old Sub tries to kill Ana, and Christian’s brother dates Ana’s best friend, Kate. Sound stupid? Yes, because it is. There is no real plot.

Actual book quote: "Oh my. My whole body tightens at the thought. Piano. Wow."
Actual book quote: “Oh my. My whole body tightens at the thought. Piano. Wow.”

There are many problems with the 50 Shades series: shitty writing, an abusive hero (Christian Grey), a heroine (Ana Steele Grey) that seems like a huge bitch, characters named after eating disorders, closeted racism and homophobia, and not so closeted classism. I’m going to focus on the abuse. Let’s go ahead and get this out of the way: my argument is not that consensual BDSM is abusive. My argument is that Christian Grey is a temperamental, emotional, and manipulative asshole with a violent past. You can draw your own conclusions as to whether or not the virginal Ana is able to make a free of mind choice to participate in something she repeatedly says she doesn’t like.


Ana wrecks your life!

I feel like most people know a guy that’s like Christian Grey. You can sometimes identify a Christian by the crying girl that is often with him — the girl you probably call crazy, the one who seems to not have any friends (since she isn’t allowed).  Guys like Christian do their damnedest to be the best and worst thing to ever happen to a girl, creating an emotional roller coaster (if roller coasters are portals to hell). Throughout all 3 books, Christian repeatedly pushes Ana to her limits, then gives her a peek of the “nice guy” within, or his tortured soul, making her feel like she’s responsible for his outbursts. Over and over she expresses sentiments like, “I didn’t ask him to come get me. Somehow I’ve been made to feel the villain in this piece,” and “Why am I feeling guilty? Why is he so mad?” If you often find yourself wondering these things in your relationship, please seek help. You might feel crazy, but you aren’t — he is.

Ah, not creepy at all
Ah, not creepy at all

Not only does Christian fuck with Ana’s mind and make her feel responsible for anything in the world  that could irritate Christian, he also makes sure to drive giant wedges between her and her friends and family. She’s not allowed to be around boys, because obviously she cannot be trusted. Her best friend, Kate,  is a bad influence because she has the audacity to question Christian’s intentions (even though in the first book, almost every time Kate sees Ana after Ana has been around Christian, she is crying). When Ana doesn’t want Christian to come to her graduation, he shows up and meets her stepdad. And, most disturbingly (to me), when Ana tells Christian she needs some space and flies to Georgia to visit her mother…Christian flies out and stays at the same hotel and gives her exactly zero space or time to spend alone with her mother. In the second book, Christian flies back from halfway around the world because Ana and her best female friend go out for a drink together and he forbid her from leaving the house. By book three (the book the champions of the series claim show Ana as “taking the power back”), Christian is selecting Ana’s friends (spoiler alert: no boys) by surprising her with group vacations and picking the guest list himself. Hey, guess what! If you have a friend you used to be close with, but now she dates this guy and she cries a lot and never hangs out with you because of him, she’s probably in an abusive relationship.

This is going on longer than I thought, so I’m going to break it up into parts. Maybe for Part 2 I can include a mix of quotes from serial killers  and Christian Grey, and we can play a game where you guess who said what!

Let me know if you saw the movie and if you think I should see it too! Also, please check out my Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. You can subscribe to my blog here

The Case for Banning Yoga Pants

Hi friends! I think I’ve been doing something terribly wrong, and I wanted to reach out and see if you could help me. Here is how my days usually go: when I decide I’m done with pajamas, I either lazily put on leggings (because it’s a day of working out or not giving a fuck how I look) or I shave my legs, blow dry my hair, do my make up, and put on something cute (like a body con dress or a short flare skirt, because I like to look as trampy as possible and I hate all “real” pants).

But apparently, my lazy as fuck, figure skating, crossfitting, errand running outfit is about the sluttiest outfit I could wear (except my birthday suit. Ew. Women’s bodies are icky).  I actually have everything backwards — I need to rock a nice Herve Leger to the gym and grocery store, and save the leggings for when I’m trying to seduce men at the bar or on a date.

Casual outfit for grabbing some groceries
Casual outfit for grabbing some groceries

I mean, what else would be the reason for Montana wanting to make leggings illegal?!  Not because the Representative Moore is a crazy asshole who wants to boss everyone around like tyrannical dictator!

In Soviet Russia, legging wear you. Also, look at the Olympic medal winning legging-slut.
Look at the Olympic medal winning legging wearing slut. Doesn’t she know children are watching?!

Walt Hill, who helped draft the bill, says “I want Montana to be known as a decent state where people can live within the security of laws and protect their children and associates from degrading and indecent practices.” Me, too!! Degrading and indecent practices of the government not making me get dolled up to go to the fucking grocery store.

Standard club attire in Montana
Standard club attire in Montana

So is everyone else using leggings as a way to seduce men and ruin children? Why am I always the last to know what’s going on? Can I run a black market legging shop if this goes through? And more importantly, can someone make a Butte, Montana pun out of this?

Drive a Camel, Evade a Rapist. Drive a Car, Rape Free For All.

Hello, ladies. Do you drive? Well, you better trade that Buick in for a camel!! According to Saudi historian Saleh al-Saadoon, while women used to ride camels, women can’t drive cars because the cars break down and then the women are raped. If you live outside of Saudi Arabia, you don’t care about being raped — the only thing that getting raped does to you is bring down your morale a bit. You know, like when you expect it to be sunny and it rains? Or when you want that special edition Red Bull in the yellow can, but 7-11 only has the regular kind? And your day just kind of sucks for a little bit.

Are you confused? Don’t worry, he goes on to tell us to listen to him “and get used to what society thinks, if [you] are really so out of touch with it.”

“But Manda,” you say, “what if the women are raped by the men who drive them around?!” Maybe you haven’t been paying attention, but obviously there is a solution for this: importing women drivers. “But wouldn’t this be a rapist’s dream?! Two women stuck in a broken down car, AKA a rape machine on useless wheels?!” Look, shut up — their rapists probably don’t do that. Also, sign me up. Sounds like a dream job.

This sums it up
This sums it up

Meet Adrian MacNair, Asshole of the Month

I read the worst article I have ever read the other day: Sympathy for the dog killer Paulsen by one dickwad Adrian MacNair. If you love animals, I’m sorry for what is about to happen to you. I can’t even write an introduction because I’m so consumed by my hatred of the fucking asshat that wrote the original article.

About 22 years ago, my wife and I adopted a dog from the Toronto Humane Society on a whim.

Ah, yes. This is how all tales of responsible dog ownership begin. “Being responsible for another life? YOLO! Why not!”

It was a yappy little three-year-old Shih Tzu who was territorially aggressive, impossible to walk and poorly house trained. We couldn’t leave her alone or she would bark incessantly for hours or destroy something in the apartment.

Hmmm. Who is responsible for training the dog? Oh, that’s right…you! Good thing you aren’t responsible for human life, since you seem like a total fucking failure of a dog owner and we’re only like 3 sentences in.

In 2001, with a myriad of health problems and an inability to hold her bladder or bowel movements any longer, we put her to sleep. It was sad at first, but we also had a newborn baby to care for at the time.

It was sad at first, but not really because whatever. Like, it was sad at first when grandma got dementia and stuff, but then I got a baby so who cares! Are you fucking incapable of feeling/doing more than one thing? All of the other responsible dog owner/ newborn producers think you suck, I took an official poll.

Although I enjoyed having a dog and I can understand how people get emotionally attached to their pets, I have to say that fatherhood changed my perspective on the human-animal hierarchy.

Oh, good. I knew it was coming — I’m a parent now, so I know everything.

For the most part, I think we tolerate the anthropomorphic projections that people place on their animal companions when they call them “babies” and say they “love” them. Well, I suppose a person can love anything, but there’s no love like that which we have for other people.

You know what’s funny? There’s no hatred like the one much of the world feels for you! Tell me more how I don’t know about love because I never pushed a human out of my vagina.

Which brings me to the point of this story. I felt sympathy for dog walker Emma Paulsen last week when I learned she was about to spend six months in prison for killing six dogs and then attempting to cover it up.

Go on….

I felt sympathy because Paulsen is going to lose her right to freedom over the death of six animals who, at the end of the day, are essentially inconsequential to this world.

HOLD UP. So if someone kills a human that is inconsequential to this world (i.e., most people), is it ok? Do they skip jail and go straight to collecting $200? Because, I hate to break it to you, if we aren’t counting others emotions (people are sad when pets die), then your kid will likely grow up to be nothing worthwhile, too. You’re more likely to grow up to be a serial killer than to cure cancer!

Oh yes, I’m sure the dogs were important to the dog owners. That much is clear. But they’re only dogs. And this is a woman’s life we’re talking about.

Ah, yes. Because she shouldn’t punished for her actions. It’s her life!!! It’s now or never!!! Do whatever!!!

Dogs are easily replaced. If you don’t think that’s true, head down to your local animal shelter. You can grab one for about $350.

Oh? Are babies easily replaced? Hey, kids just a name and is inconsequential — if you off it, just pop another out! Or adopt one!

The other thing about dogs? They only live for about eight to 10 years. Most people who live with dogs their entire lives can be expected to go through a dozen before they, too, meet the grim reaper.

I would love to see a statistic to back up how many dogs people plow through, but okay. If your kid dies at 10, whatever, just get another! If this is how you feel about dogs, the Toronto Humane Society needs a better screening process.

One of my favourite movies of all time, Old Yeller, is about a faithful golden lab who befriends a boy before getting bitten and becoming rabid. The owners do what any sensible owner would do. They shoot the dog and get a replacement.

Too soon to make a kid/measles joke?

I’m not condoning anything Paulsen did to those dogs. It’s certainly disturbing that she had such a big mental lapse and then tried to cover up evidence of her mistake. But at the end of the day that’s what happened. She made a mistake.

con·done
kənˈdōn/
verb
  1. accept and allow (behavior that is considered morally wrong or offensive) to continue.
    “the college cannot condone any behavior that involves illicit drugs”

So, actually, you kind of are condoning it.

The reason why we’re being punitive is pretty obvious. We’re crucifying her for killing North America’s version of the sacred cow.

This is so fucking stupid I cannot even make a response to it without insulting my own intelligence thinking about his sentence.

In other parts of the world, killing dogs isn’t so taboo. Some countries openly feast on dogs the same way we eat chickens. Other countries find dogs to be a nuisance, shooting strays in the streets. Still other countries find them unclean and refuse to come into any contact with them whatsoever.

And in some countries, babies are killed. Free for all, bitchesl!!!

The dog owners lost their animal companion and for that they deserved monetary compensation. A few thousand dollars could buy a pure-bred replacement from a top-notch breeder.

Ah, yes. Advocate for breeders now.

But much like this former dog owner came to realize, the dogs don’t make a difference in this world one way or another. We should be worrying about and caring for our fellow human beings.

Sure. Did you know that killing animals and not feeling empathy for them often comes before someone does crimes directed toward humans? No offense, but I hope you and your family get robbed at gunpoint by someone who used to kill dogs. Fuck this guy.

I'm not saying it's okay to harass her, but I am saying I'd peace out on my marriage if he was my SO.
I’m not saying it’s okay to harass her, but I am saying I’d peace out on my marriage if he was my SO.

Why I Chose to Now Wear Chaps and Bikini Tops

In response to Veronica Partridge, who is never wearing leggings again to help keep men from thinking she’s hot…but has no problem putting make up on her pretty face and styling her hair so nicely.

DISCLAIMER: Let me start off by saying, we all already know I am trying to steal your man with my boobies. It is not enough (I am accepting boob job donations). Today, I’m not telling you what to wear, I’m just sharing my personal story on why I’m ditching leggings for assless chaps and bikini tops.

For the past several months, I have been having a conviction weighing heavy on me. I tried to put it aside for as long as I could, but the other day a conversation came up and I had to face it. We were talking about leggings and how when women wear them, men look at them and think, “I wish I could see more.”

I went home later that day and shared the convictions I was having with a close female friend. Was it possible our wearing leggings could cause men, other than our spiritual partners, to think lustfully about our bodies? Her male roommate barged into our conversation and told us that when he sees women in leggings, he tries hard to not look but he can’t help it. “I wonder what it looks like without the taut fabric holding it together,” he told us. “That’s why leggings season is better than shorts season. Sometimes fat bitches or really skinny bitches look better than usual.” I suppose I could have been offended by his shitty way of talking about women, but instead I’ve decided to focus on how bad it must feel to think you’ve found some hot piece of ass that actually is just a saggy, gross ass held up by lululemon, or a flat ass that’s made to look bigger with patterned yoga pants. Surely, if one man says something, he speaks for all men! I cannot chastise them all. 

I instantly felt convictions come over me stronger. After talking to my friends, it really hit me hard. It’s difficult to imagine if someone has an attractive ass without the flattering workout gear over it, so imagine how disappointed these poor men must feel when they when they find out they’ve guessed wrong. Women, it is our duty to relieve men of all responsibility and to hold ourselves accountable for their transgressions.

I made a personal vow to myself. I will no longer wear thin, form fitting leggings. The only time it’s acceptable to wear them now (for myself) is in front of my boyfriend, because I’ve already trapped him into being mine. From now on, I will walk around wearing only chaps and bikini tops. Sure, if a man wants to look, he is going to look, but why entice him if it isn’t what he’s into? I don’t want any false advertising going on! Plus, if less men are attracted to me because my non-legging ass isn’t what they like, then that’s more men that I’m saving from ruining their marriages by lustfully staring at my full-on luon clad rear end.

I know you’re probably thinking that it makes more sense for me to wear baggy pants instead of yoga pants. I thought about that, but I’m not a hypocrite. I’m not willing to forgo going to the beach in a swimsuit or wearing shorts in the 120 degree Texas summer. I thought about wearing a full gown all year, even in the ocean, but the tan lines would be disappointing to my partner and myself (and I can’t afford the heat stroke bill).

I’m not trying to push my ridiculous, hypocritical agenda on anyone else — though I will gladly accept media appearances.

My last hurrah :(
My last hurrah :(

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DC Metro: Nah, I’d Rather Walk. Or Stay Home.

Despite the fact that Metro is the worst, people are constantly telling me that I’m too harsh. Of course, these people are usually tourists or non-commuters, who then tell me that the train worked just fine when they went to that one Nats game that one time, or how when they visited DC it was so easy to get the museums. These people are wrong. Metro is a poorly maintained, poorly run, and overpriced debacle. The small annoyances are so typical I barely think to complain about them: unheated or unbearably overheated cars, constant delays, trains that don’t show up, 19 minute waits for the train you need. The larger annoyances sometimes grab attention, but it takes a death to make a big splash. On Monday of this week, a yellow line train on the DC Metro stopped 800 feet from the station it had just departed and filled with smoke. Passengers sat in the increasingly hot train for about an hour, breathing in the smoke and being told to not open the doors. When paramedics finally showed up, one woman was dead and over 80 needed hospitalization. Monday was not an isolated incident; it was just an example of how inefficient and incompetent Metro is.

It is ridiculously expensive to take Metro for the quality of the service you get. Speaking as someone who frequently pays the extra money to take Amtrak to Alexandria instead of Metro, I’m fine paying more for efficiency.  Metro runs on a system that requires you swipe your card when boarding and then again when exiting, running prices on a sliding scale based on distance. To get from the heart of the city to Franconia-Springfield is $5.75; if it was my daily commute, that would total $16.35 for round trip and $4.85 parking (interestingly, the stations in Prince George’s County are $5.10 — despite being far less crowded). Doesn’t WMATA have a responsibility to make using Metro worth $16.35, or at least make Metro convenient enough that you’re fine leaving the comfort of your car? You’d think.

Dupont South, from http://unsuckdcmetro.blogspot.com/
Dupont South, from http://unsuckdcmetro.blogspot.com/

Paying $16.35 a day, would you expect to have to hike up 188 foot long escalator? If you’re a Washingtonian, the answer is “yes.” The DuPont South escalator is the worst. The escalators at all stations are constantly out, and sometimes the elevators are too. Are you disabled? Metro doesn’t appear to give a shit about you.

Maybe if you were one of the passengers stranded just steps from L’Enfant Plaza, you’d think that you were entitled to just get the hell out of the station once you were being evacuated.  Nope! I know it isn’t typically the most reliable source, but people reported on Twitter that they were still forced to scan their card and wait for the exit to open for each evacuee (the same person said she told the news and they didn’t report on it).

On Monday, the smoke in the train was caused by arcing.  While it produced a massive amount of smoke, it didn’t cause a fire. Of course, people on the train don’t know this. As usual, Metro didn’t tell the passengers the information they needed (and deserved) to know. The one thing they did communicate was to stay in the train — despite being only 800 feet from the station/freedom. Even though all of the emergency signs say to exit on the side of the tunnel where the lights are (away from the electric third rail), passengers weren’t allowed to exit, and the firefighters couldn’t figure out if the third rail was on or off to get to the victims. But this makes a lot more sense when you look at Metro’s Standard Operating Procedures and realize that….they don’t actually have a plan.

6.5.3.4.  If the Train Operator was not able to reverse from the heavy smoke, the ROCC Supervisor shall:  6.5.2.4.1. FUCKING PANIC
6.5.3.4. If the Train Operator was not able to reverse from the heavy smoke, the ROCC Supervisor shall:
6.5.3.4.1. ???????????????????????????

You’d think that Metro would put into their rules what they would do when there is a lot of smoke, since this isn’t a new problem.  According to WMATA, arcing insulators occur about twice a month, though IMO that number seems like it’s low. The day after the L’Enfant Plaza incident, sparks and smoke were reported at the Gallery Place stop. All locals remember in 2013, when a  Green Line train had a problem with arcing — and everyone was told to spend hours stuck in the trains, without power. Riders started to “rebel” by self evacuating. Not only did Metro not approve, they wondered if they could arrest people for freeing themselves. What. The. Fuck.

To be fair, “sit still and do as we say” is the only way Metro has to handle any situation. In July 2012 a train lost power and passengers were told to hang tight…on a 90 degree, muggy DC summer day. Not in a tunnel. While the passengers say they exited after being told to do so by the conductor, Metro claimed that passengers were responsible for being forced to sit so long. Even though the “rescue” train also lost power before the pax self evacuating, apparently the passengers were to blame.

Elevator repair: blocking off the elevator for 6 months and taking breaks.
Escalator repair: blocking off the escalator for 6 months and taking breaks.

Now the union representing the transit people is on Twitter, holding a Q&A…and getting an earful. They linked to a useful PDF about why we shouldn’t privatize the system because people will lose jobs.  In reality,  illiteracy, drug use, and prior convictions run rampant in the staff currently employed by the system…as does extreme overpayment. Anytime you’re interested in a good laugh (or cry), just search Twitter for #wmata so you can see the day’s misery. And remember: it’s DC, so if you’re an American…this is your tax dollars at work!

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SHOCKING NEWS: Jarrett Maupin, Untrained Civilian, Acts Like Untrained Civilian

This story of Jarrett Maupin going from activist to the other side has so many flaws I don’t even know where to start. I’m going to try, and if anyone has any answers…please, send them my way. I plan to write on this more in depth, but having just seen the footage back to back with the extended Tamir Rice video I’m way too angry to be articulate.

  • Can someone explain to me what the fuck an untrained person’s reaction to a police officer’s job has to do with anything? We don’t know if Maupin has ever even touched a gun before. If we’re taking cops and dumping them on the street with zero training, we have a problem.
  • If this half brained exercise makes anything resembling a point, it is only in an identical situation. Cops need to be held accountable for their actions and MANY of the fuck ups are not shooting someone running straight at you. Was the 2 year old who got hit by a flashbang grenade scary?
  • Maybe a better study would be putting a protestor next to the lifeless body of a 12 year old, giving him some handcuffs, and seeing if he handcuffs the child’s 14 year old sister for running over to her brother. Spoiler alert: most people probably fucking choose to not arrest sister.
  • Why is asking for accountability so scary? What do so many people have to hide? Keep on keepin on, NYPD.

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Only Pedophiles Host Sleepovers

One of the biggest problems facing the modern American fearmonger is the fact that crime has steadily decreased in the US for several decades. Of course, people pushing their crazy opinions and ideas are not bound by stupid things like facts or data! No, instead they just speak from the gut and completely overlook or deny facts thrown in their faces.

Take, for instance, the notion that children can’t do things today that they did 30 years ago, because it just isn’t safe anymore. Never mind, of course, that (in addition to all crime being on the decline) the rate of reported sexual abuse of children declined 60% from 1992 to 2010, and never mind that children are actually more likely to report sexual assault now than they were in 1992.  No, we shouldn’t focus on that — instead, let’s focus on how adults are predators that want to rape your children. That’ll help your kids grow up safe and healthy, and guarantees they won’t become habitual alcohol and cocaine users in college, once they have escaped your watchful eye and phone GPS tracker!

Apparently, people are now banning their children from sleepovers. Not sleepovers at homes where the parents don’t know the kid or their family, but all sleepovers — because how awkward would it be to get to know your kid’s friends, or to say no without an explanation to some sleepovers and not others?

I think I’m late to the party since this went viral a while ago (in my defense, it was during the same time that I was being told to hide my boobs), but the article that was brought to my attention is Why My Family Doesn’t Do Sleepovers by one Tim Challies. Challies starts his article off by quoting a book by James Dobson, Bringing Up Girls:

Sadly, the world has changed in the last few decades, and it is no longer a safe place for children. Pedophiles and child molesters are more pervasive than ever.

What I’m saying is, he starts off his article by making up some bull shit that has no basis in reality. It gets even worse when later on, Challies says he disagrees with the notion that pedophiles are more pervasive than ever — but because sleepover molestations were happening just as often when he was a kid as they are now. Never mind the official and overwhelming evidence that it was worse decades ago….no, that isn’t important. Challies gives his personal anecdotes:

As I got older I learned of several people I knew who had been taken advantage of during sleepovers, and it wasn’t a perverse father in most cases, but a predatory older brother or sister or cousin. Sometimes it was even the friend himself. The world was plenty dangerous back then and children were just as vulnerable, but somehow these things weren’t talked about as they are today.

He’s so close to comprehending how statistics and data work, and then just jumps off ship. Excuse me while I bang my head on my desk for a while.

(Note: My son is fourteen and we have now relaxed the rule with him, though permission is still dependent on circumstances.)

First, you’re negating your entire article by saying you do allow your son to go to sleepovers. Why did you even write this?? Second, what a well thought out and good choice!

Screen Shot 2015-01-07 at 3.16.13 PM

Fear mongering doesn’t do anyone any good. It gets parents arrested for letting their children play in parks and turns family photos in pedophilia. If Challies can give his personal experience, let me assure you — the smothered, short leashed  kids I knew growing up? When they moved out, they did all the things their parents were afraid of…and worse. Good plan!

Thanks to Blood, Sweat & Swearing for the tip on the article. If you want to brave hosting a slumber party, my main image came from here. You can also find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. Please subscribe to my weekly(ish?)  updates!

“Marriage: The Best Way to Solve Your Relationship Problems” – GOD, According to Columnist Mike Adams

Do you want to save yourself from being beaten by your boyfriend? Do you want to increase your chances of being beaten by your girlfriend? Just get married! At least, that’s what I learned today from the Town Hall article, The Ring Makes All the Difference by one Mike Adams. 

I know I’m just a radical feminist who wants to destroy the idea of marriage and family (because God definitely thinks it is important you register your commitment with the state, y’all!), so my opinion probably doesn’t matter…but what a bunch of idiotic bullshit. Adams doesn’t really making any of his own points (outside of labeling feminists as life destroyers), but highlights some of his favorite facts from a book called (wait for it!) The Ring Makes All the Difference: The Hidden Consequences of Cohabitation and the Strong Benefits of Marriage.

Obviously, there is a lot of wrong going on here, but I’d like to start with the very last paragraph: “God is the author of the rules of the game of life. He is also the creator of science. When properly applied, His methods always reveal the truth.” I don’t really know what that has to do with anything, other than maybe saying if bitches get beat by their live in man sinner sluts, it’s because they didn’t listen to God’s rules of the game of life. But maybe we should talk about these rules for the game of life (henceforth abbreviated as GRGOL, because typing it out one more time might make me throw up. How does this guy have a regular column somewhere and I don’t?).

The Bible is full of contradictory information when it comes to marriage. In the book of GRGOL, Paul tells us in Corinthians to not bother getting married, and to only get married if we can’t stop ourselves from having sex (which we also shouldn’t do). On the other hand, plenty of people had multiple wives and that was considered awesome. Something GRGOL doesn’t address? What marriage actually is. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that marriage is a trip to the county courthouse, sharing your bank accounts, and dragging down your SO’s chances for credit approval with your shitty score and student debt.

But let’s say that the American idea of marriage is what GRGOL had in mind. What other evidence do we have to support the idea that marriage is the best?

- In marriages, male-female ratios of violence are roughly equal – with women and men just as likely to initiate violence against their spouses. However, in cohabiting relationships, men are far more likely to initiate violence.

Is your man beating you? Get engaged, it’ll end as soon as you’re legal! Though…maybe that’s not really what’s going on. Turns out, married immigrant women are about 10% more likely to report being abused than unmarried immigrant women living with a partner. Also turns out, women who are married generally don’t like to report their husband as an abuser.  But hey. You want to pretend that marriage stop violence, let’s take a look at the DOJ’s Intimate Partner Violence study:

Screen Shot 2015-01-05 at 10.50.21 PM

Looks like the safest thing you can do is get married and not have kids, since bearing kids is obviously what makes women become victims of violence.

- Married people typically earn more and save more than their unmarried counterparts – whether cohabiting or single.
– The poverty rate for children living in married households is 6%. It is 31% for children living with a cohabiting father and mother.

Lots of studies have been done to figure out why unmarried people make more than married people. Some theorize that those who are married are looked at by their employer as more responsible, and given raises or promotions that are influenced by that (think: you’re a prick boss that only believes in your version of GRGOL. John is married with kids, Greg lives with his whore girlfriend in sin. Who do you layoff first?). Another idea is that just like more attractive people are better off in the work place, they are also more likely to find a partner. Or, if you come from money and are set up to be in a higher income bracket yourself, your family might be more traditional. Or…tax deductions (because if getting married to end abuse isn’t enough, tax deductions should be). But in the vein of the second point up there, if you’re in a lower income bracket…it often makes sense to not get married as your combined income may cause you to lose benefits. That doesn’t mean that you’re poor because you’re unmarried; it means you’re unmarried because you’re poor. I’m presumably in the minority of people who are looking to permanently cohabit without getting married, but this guy is pretending there is some magic going on. Living together in sin? $12k a year for you! Signed that legal document? Bam!! $65k!

- A married man will spend about eight more hours a week doing household chores than his shacking-up peer.

Assuming that is even true outside of the one study he referenced/that I could find, you’d think it’d be true all of the time. Because marriage = man cleaning, nothing else should matter. Except this study, covering 5 European countries, which found “that cohabiting couples have a more egalitarian division of labour but that there are important country differences.” Maybe there are other things at play here than marriage?

I hate to write about a guy writing about a book I haven’t read, but over and over it’s clearly the same mistakes: thinking marriage is the problem solver. Do you want the real solution to save family life? Find your person, move in together, get married if you want. Make sure they’re the right person, that you’re compatible in your goals and way of life (kids, no kids, city, country, whatever). Enjoy your time together, work hard to make it work, don’t cheat, don’t hit each other, and don’t give a shit who has what jewel on what finger.

Thanks for reading! You can also find me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

It’s 2015!

It’s 2015 and my only New Years resolution is to publish something every (non-holiday) weekday. Too bad I didn’t realize the first day would be a Friday and writing anything meaningful would get lost in everyone’s weekends!

I finished off 2014 by reading the entire CIA torture report, and here’s some good news: it was $50 to print it at FedEx, but you can order it on Amazon for $14. Good deal, and I’ll be posting my thoughts on it next week (spoiler alert: I’m not a fan of torture).

I also spent a good deal of time reading about the drug war and police brutality (but I swear I won’t spend 100% of my time posting articles about the same subject, as much as I may want to), and the aftermath of the vote to ban fracking in Denton County, TX.

Hopefully everyone had a good holiday, and next week I’ll be back with plenty of complaining. Feel free to send me anything you think I could write about!

 

 

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